Dipping a toe into multiplayer.

For as long as I've owned my beloved Xbox 360, I have to admit that I've never really toyed around with the multiplayer aspect of things. When I first bought the thing back in 2006, I spent many an hour wandering through Oblivion and shooting nazis in Call Of Duty 2 with nary a thought towards taking the fight online.

Until now.

In the last month, I've upped my Xbox Live subscription to Gold and tentatively had a go at online multiplayer in a few select titles. And I have to say I'm hooked. Now, just to be clear there's no way in hell I'm actually talking to anyone online. Voice headset? Fuck that. What on earth would I have to discuss with dudes who have gamertags like Ruthless CXnt and CHAD iz babe anyway? Nothing.

I speak with my trigger finger, MonkeyFart69.

I kind of understand what gamers meant now. When you finish the single-player campaign of a new game, take it online and see how you fare against something other than AI bots.

But don't get me wrong here - I'm not very good. I've been gradually climbing the early ranks of a few games and even though I suck most of the time, I manage to pull off more than a few 'punch-the-fucking-air-with-glee' type moments.

Gears Of War 2 - Currently I'm Level 13.

There's this thing called Horde Mode in Gears Of War 2. Basically, it's you and four other dudes fighting wave after wave of AI controlled Locust enemies. One single map and several hours of commitment to reach Wave 50. As you take down ugly-as-fuck horde soldiers, it's rewarding when a teammate revives you from near death to continue the fight. Gradually, you and the aforementioned dudes form a small bond as you wade through ankle-deep carnage. And damn, it is fun.

These two guys are having a chainsaw fight. A CHAINSAW FIGHT.

Call Of Duty 4 - Currently I'm a Level 10 Sargeant.

This one has all the traditional modes of Deathmatch and Capture the Flag etc. but comes with it the handicap of fighting against people who have been playing this game for two years. Certain maps are just brutal. After spawning and running for two seconds, some prick in a farmhouse with a sniper rifle sends you a care package in the shape of a bullet to the head and your war-torn frivolity is over quick smart. But as I have stated before, Ice-T plays this one (with Xzibit apparently) so naturally, I'll stick with my M1 Carbine rifle with red-dot sight until I find him.

Ripped from the headlines. If the headline was "Today fighting in the Middle East culminated in BOOM HEADSHOT".

Streetfighter IV - I currently have 180 Battle Points.

Since this is a fighting game, the matches just fly by in seconds. The online matchmaking process (the game automatically tries to find you someone with similar skill level and a stable internet connection) is dodgy sometimes. Regardless, I'm unlocking Titles and Icons and generally getting the shit beaten out of me. Small victories are the order of the day here. By playing as Sakura, I've managed to just win my fifth online match. Pitted against Blanka, my opponent loved sticking to the ground and attacking my ankles and much as he could. He won the first round, I won the second and then I managed to string together enough combos to defeat him in the third. And since it was my fifth victory, I unlocked an Achievement called 'Way Of The Fist'. Damn right.

Sakura vs Ken. The kids in the background are celebrating bare-fisted violence. AWESOME.

The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the devil's own satanic herd.

It was Edmund Blackadder who uttered those words but even in medieval England, I'm sure he didn't have problems not as nearly as inconvenient as I do.

Batman: Arkham Asylum didn't come out today.

Regardless of common sense, worldwide release dates and my own bleating - Australia is still behind the rest of the world. Once again. They're sticking to the 3rd of September. One store has claimed to have broken the street date though. The picture below is apparently from a Gametraders in Western Australia...

Hmmm...

Whatever. If any broken street dates are going to have any effect, it will have to be next week. Bastards.

On the positive side of things, I pre-ordered the collector's edition of the game. That's right - fuck it, I want the whole kit and caboodle. So, does that make me a sucker? To not only be shafted, and then outlay extra cash for the privilege? Perhaps. We'll see next week. Goddammit.

That batarang better be fucking sweet.

I don't know what the hell Brutal Legend is anymore.

When I heard a long while back that Tim Schafer was making a new game based on a heavy metal fantasy realm and you played a roadie, I was on board already. Even with the involvement of the constantly overexposed Jack Black, it seemed Schafer had a true vision of what his next opus could be. Full Throttle and Psychonauts were amazing, so he could do no wrong in my eyes.

Introducing Eddie Riggs: Roadie.

In recent weeks though, the concept of Brutal Legend has become something I'm not entirely sure I want to play. Like an big fat onion, layers of gameplay have gradually been peeled off with every public showing of the game. At first, it seemed it was a God of War-type game; main character Eddie Riggs hacking and slashing away at demons while making quips meant to make us laugh. Good, but nothing too exciting.Then, things changed. News suddenly dropped that it was an open world game. Immediately, my interest was through the roof. An open world game featuring heavy metal, hot rods and the writing of Tim Schafer? Sign me the fuck up.

Thumbs up indeed, Tim.

But in the last week or so, Schafer has been doing interviews stating something kind of strange. The game itself started as a multiplayer experience. And the game is chock full of multiplayer real-time strategy type elements that is apparently integral to the single player game. Now to be clear, I'm of the opinion that there hasn't been a decent real-time strategy game since Age of Empires II. But that aside, I'm not entirely sure I would even want that type of gameplay in a game like Brutal Legend. I mean, this fucking game has Lemmy in it.

And apparently he's your healing unit. I'm dead serious.

What of the potential audience for this game? Your average kid walking through a game shop is going to see a game featuring heavy metal and Jack Black and think "Dude, awesome!". What happens when they get it home and try and figure out what unit management and gathering resources is all about? 

Unfortunately, all this uncertainty adds up to Brutal Legend being the only game I'm not entirely sure about in Q4 2009. Modern Warfare 2? SOLD. Dragon Age? SOLD. Borderlands? FUCKING SOLD. 

Brutal Legend? I'm not sure. I'll have to wait and see. And that's insane considering it's being made by Tim Schafer. We'll find out on October 13.

We'll see, Tim. We'll see.

Universal acclaim for Batman: Arkham Asylum.

The game is finally released in Australia this Friday and the reviews are in...

Eurogamer: "it's the best superhero game, bar none."

1UP: "many of the mechanics turn Batman: Arkham Asylum into a bona fide "Batman Simulator,""

IGN: "The greatest comic book videogame of all time. "

Strategy Informer: "Truly this is the Batman game that everybody’s been waiting for."

Games Master UK: "Simply put, Batman: Arkham Asylum is a masterpiece."

So I guess that seals it. Unless you're as batshit crazy as the Joker, you'll no doubt be joining me in picking up the game this Friday. 

"Well done, Jim. We're officially awesome."

All of a sudden, Heavy Rain is amazing.

Things are falling into place for me today. 

1) Sony announce a cheaper, slimmer PS3.

2) PS3 exclusive game Heavy Rain unleashes one of the most impressive trailers I've seen in years.

The PS3 Slim becomes a reality.

After months of rumours and leaked factory shots, the slim version of the Playstation 3 was announced by Sony early this morning at GamesCom 09 in Cologne, Germany.

Sony Computer Entertainment CEO Kaz Hirai unveils the Slim.

The new model is released in Australia on September 1 (that's two weeks away!) and it will be priced at AUD $499.95. The US price is UD$299 which works out to be about $360 Australian, but it's pointless whinging about that discrepancy I suppose.

Here's the old next to the new.

The PS3 Slim runs on a new 45nm cell processor instead of the old 60nm model, so that's means it's smaller and more energy efficient. The power consumption has been cut by two thirds and the model itself is 33% smaller and 36% lighter. All of the features of the big original model will be retained. Also, it comes standard with a 120g hard drive.

Finally, Sony has woken up to fact that not everyone has an ass-load of money to spend on their product. Every current model of the PS3 on shelves right now will be reduced to $499 as of August 24 prior to the release of the Slim.

Oh, you're mine now sucka.

Batman's final hurdle = Australia.

The game is mere weeks away, but Batman: Arkham Asylum is not here just yet. As close as we are to skulking around in the cape and cowl, some last-minutes hiccups have become evident.

Australian game retailers have, for some unknown reason, have the game listed as being released on the 3rd September. As opposed to the August 28 date that is actually listed as the date it is supposed to be released. The US date is August 25 and the European date is August 28. Atari, who is distributing the game in Australia, have the same date as Europe - August 28. So I'm not entirely sure what retailers are playing at. True, a lot of big games mysteriously break their release dates and end up on the shelves a few days early but it's still baffling.

"Fuck you, game retailers!"

In addition to this bullshit, it looks as if the price will be on the brutal side of harsh. Now, just to prefix this, the last game I paid over 100 dollars for a game was Assassin's Creed. And that was the last time I got burned (I spit on you, EB Games). I have since made a vow never to pay over $100 for a game again. But it seems retailers have cottoned on the pre-release buzz for this game. Check this out...

EB Games - 3/9/09 -  $119.95 

http://www.ebgames.com.au/xbox/product.cfm?id=13890&refer=productsearch 

JB Hifi - 3/9/09 - $110.98

http://www.jbhifionline.com.au/game/xbox-360/batman-arkham-asylum/422874

Big W - 3/9/09 - $115.50

http://www.bigwentertainment.com.au/product/batman_arkham_asylum_3846975_1755480.html

Gametraders - 3/9/09 - No price available

http://www.gametraders.com.au/#game?ID=27425

Dick Smith - 12/6/09 - $10.00 (check out Dick Smith's listing at the link below which is really confusing. Huh?)

http://www.dse.com.au/cgibin/dse.storefront/4a8939f00e231f32273fc0a87e010678/Product/View/YG5959PRE

Games Warehouse - 3/9/09 - $109.95

http://www.gameswarehouse.com.au/longpage.asp?gameid=17210

Ready for your wallet to be raped? In order to have to the privilege of buying the game in a shop and getting it a week later than the rest of the world, you'll have to be.

"I said, FUCK YOU! GAME RETAILERS!"

But because Preparations For Birth is awesome and helpful, here's a couple of options. Australian retailer GAME have the shitty release date of 3/9/09 but a web-only price of $99.00. Pretty reasonable in light of everyone else.

http://www.game.com.au/showtitle?code=BATAA360

Also, UK retailer Sendit.com has an even better deal. They have the game listed at $79 Australian dollars but since the game is released on a Friday and their shipping takes 5-10 working days, you may not get it for a couple of weeks.

http://www.sendit.com/sendit/10035800.product

So, I guess you'll have to decide what's important. Getting hold of the game immediately (well almost) or waiting a little while to save 20 bucks. I'm not entirely sure myself.

"No, seriously game retailers, FUCK! YOU! How can you sleep at night knowing you're charging these prices for a game that is coming out a week late! Do you actually kiss your children with the same mouth that you deliver this evil upon your customers? And don't try and push that bullshit pre-order unlockable armor on me either, EB Games! You are not getting your filthy fucking claws into me ever again! Nyyaaaarrrggghhh!!!!"

UPDATE - In the space of 24 hours, JB Hifi have dropped their price from $110.98 to $99.00. When I rang the store to confirm, they did indeed tell me $99. I also decided to test something and straight out asked "So that's coming out on August 28th?". The clerk checked and then told me "Yes."

The plot thickens....

No more Elder Scrolls...apparently.

After I spent 50+ hours walking the Capital Wasteland of Fallout 3, I had my full share of that world. I have still no interest in all the downloadable content that Bethesda have delivered over the past few months. Apparently the majority of it is quite good, but I could not care less. Take your Fallout and fuck off.

That said, I have always entertained a small hope that Bethesda had also been busy working on the next Elder Scrolls game while spewing out all this DLC. But this week, bad news is the order of the day. Day...week...whatever.

At the game convention QuakeCon 09 in Dallas, Texas this week, Bethesda PR dude Peter Hines told the crowd that they currently have "no plans" for a new Elder Scrolls game. So for those of you who enjoyed Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion to the tune of hundreds of hours, you'll have to find something else to fill your days in the future. That sucks pretty hard don't you think?

It sucks almost as much as those Oblivion gates. Christ, I hated those.

Well, here's the icing on the shitty tasting disappointment cake. Hines then proceeded to tell the crowd that there's "always a chance" that they will make an Elder Scrolls online multiplayer game. Oh joy. Just what we need. I guess that's the reason there will be no single-player adventure being released anytime soon. 

What kind of idiots work at Bethesda nowadays? Are they in any way serious about doing an Elder Scrolls MMO? Yeah, go take your medevial/fantasy RPG and make it into an MMO...because there's no other planet-dominating multi-billion dollar game DOING THAT SHIT AT THE MOMENT!?!?! 

Pictured: Bethesda's future plans.

A little game called Shadow Complex.

As far as downloadable games are concerned, they usually range from pretty damn great to mostly awful. But nobody expects too much from them. Well, that looks to be changing next week with the release of the highly ambitious 2D espionage adventure game Shadow Complex. A spritual successor to Metroid and/or Castlevania, the game looks quite amazing, checking in at about 10 hours approximately.

It drops this Wednesday (the 19th) and will set you back 1200 MS Points on Xbox Live Arcade. Which is about eighteen Australian dollars. Check out the trailer below to decide whether you believe it's worth 18 bucks. Here's a hint: YES.

Here's your Borderlands box art.

Gearbox Software are one of the few developers still willing to stick to their 2009 release date and not be scared off by Modern Warfare 2. Borderlands, their 'role-playing shooter', is looking really exciting and I personally can't wait to check it out.

For those of you who don't know, the planet on which Borderlands is set is too far away from the sun to provide any sort of daylight. So the planet's population had a solution which was to SET FIRE TO HALF OF OF THE MOON. 

If that doesn't get you interested in the game, this is what you'll be looking for on October 23rd...

2 quick reasons why Australia is a joke.

Ladies and gents, if you weren't already aware, this great southern land of ours is constantly getting screwed. In the world of video games, it is viewed as a retarded backwater, a behind-the-times place generally regarded as something to scoff at. The world gaming community is laughing at us and for good reason. Who's causing this unjust amusement? Well, there's two culprits. One, an old arch-enemy. And another, which we should have seen coming.

1. THE OFLC IS AT IT AGAIN.

My old nemesis, the Office of Film and Literature Classification, has struck again. A German RPG by the name of Risen has just been banned.

Yeah, I hadn't heard of it either.

Game studio Deep Silver has had their RPG refused classification in Australia by the OFLC (making it the third game for 2009) and the reasons are as follows:

"During the course of the game, players can interact with prostitutes (referredto as "whores" in the game) at a local brothel. Players can trigger a lengthy dialogue to engage in their services; sexual activity is strongly implied, but never depicted on screen. Many of the characters in the game smoke a fictional drug called "brugleweed." The "wood reefer" plant is described as having a mild relaxing effect on users, and can be bought, sold, and used by players."

Implied sexuality and fictional drugs? Look at these titles above. You let these two games pass in the last 12 months and they have both those things in them. I mean, Jesus Christ, look at this...

...GTA Chinatown Wars had a drug-dealing mini-game in it for fuck's sake! With real names for the drugs!

Head of the Games Developers Association of Australia Tom Crago had a few choice words...

Well it’s a joke isn’t it?  We are once again caught in this awful, ridiculous web of the antiquated classification system...  Here in Australia the sooner that changes, the better; it is obviously a battle to ensure common sense prevails.  We will get there eventually, but in the meantime as gamers in Australia we suffer, and to be honest we are embarrassed at how backward our government is...

The biggest problem we have here in Australia is that we don’t have an R classification for video games...  It’s ridiculous because it assumes that games are fundamentally different to film and outrageous in that it assumes that adults shouldn’t be allowed to access adult content in video games...  

We are the butt of a lot of jokes; I travel, obviously a lot, talking to other developers and publishers and people cannot believe it that we still have this ridiculous system here in Australia, designed twenty or thirty years ago, and hasn’t changed since... [South Australian Attorney General Michael Atkinson] is of course the problem... clearly this is a guy that doesn’t get it, and to be honest, I don’t think, ever will get it...

2. MICROSOFT WANTS TO ROB US BLIND

Last night, the new update to the Xbox 360 dashboard launched and added a few new features. In addition to the ability to now spend actual hard earned money on avatar clothing (both Adidas and Quiksilver have got their claws in already), one of the new features was Games On Demand. A service allowing you to purchase and download full Xbox 360 games straight onto your hard drive. Cool right? Well, hold onto your hats...

Bioshock - $49.95

Call Of Duty 2 - $49.95

Kameo - $29.95

Mass Effect - $99.95 <---RIGHT HERE! LOOK AT THIS SHIT HERE!

Oblivion - $49.95

Perfect Dark Zero - $29.95

Prey - $29.95

Rockstar Table Tennis - $69.95 

SEGA Rally - $49.95

Viva Pinata - $29.95

Viva Pinata:Trouble In Paradise - $69.95

All these are in Australian prices. Harrowing Australian prices. Mass Effect in the US is listed $20 which is $24 Australian. Which is pretty close to what you can actually buy the full retail game for now in Australia anyway if you look hard enough.

Xbox Australia has responded with some non-committal tripe...

"No one retailer has the lowest pricing for every product, and our program is about giving people 24 x 7 convenience and selection when shopping for Xbox 360 games. We’re incredibly excited about what Games on Demand means for digital distribution, and will continue to evaluate and evolve the service to meet market and consumer demands."

So there you go kids. Enjoy your day. Try not to kill anything.

Ice-T, will you be my friend?

Gamertags are somewhat strange things. For those of you not aware of their existence, an Xbox 360 gamertag is the name you put into your Xbox profile to represent you when playing online or simply just to have it on your Xbox dashboard. They can be just your name, nickname or some other representation of your self you deem appropriate for casting spells and/or sniping the fuck out of people. 

Recently, I signed up for a month of Gold subscription and did a little looking around the world of Xbox Live. Gamertags also show up on leaderboards of each game, showing you the best players in the world for that particular game. Just last week I started playing Puzzle Quest for the first time (it's great!) and during a break I checked out the leaderboard and in the top 50 players in the world, these gamertags caught my attention...

Curry Fart

SCREWOBAMA

These are real gamertags. I'm dead serious. I think the only thing more terrifying about a guy who has SCREWOBAMA as his gamertag is that he is currently one of best players in the world at Puzzle Quest. Puzzle Quest.

Anyway, why am I banging on about these things? Well, I thought I'd let you in some inside info I discovered recently and that pertains to the gamertag LORD 187x. Want to know who it belongs to?

This motherfucker right here.

That's right bitches. The Original Gangsta Tracy Marrow, better known as Ice-T, has his very own gamertag. He is not just a New Jack Hustler, he's a hardcore gamer. And here's a few select games he's played recently...

Fallout 3

Godfather 2

Wanted: Weapons Of Fate

Tiger Woods PGA Tour 08 (WTF?)

UFC 2009 Undisputed

Resident Evil 5

But let's get right to the heart of the matter, the dude is a freak for Call Of Duty 4. Apparently he can't get enough of playing it online and enjoys taking down punks in Unnamed Middle Eastern Country like thousands of other gamers. Don't believe me? Check this out:

You're probably wondering by now - "What's 187 mean?". Just so you know, 187 is the US police code for a homicide (e.g. 'Tell dispatch that we got a 187 in this apartment'). So yes, that basically means Ice-T's gamertag translates to LORD MURDERX. Which is pretty appropriate for him I guess. Although I'm not entirely sure when he last smoked anyone for real.

So here's my dilemma. I myself have a gamertag and a month full of Gold subscription which enables me for online play. Should I put in a friend request for LORD 187X? To be added to his friends list? Microsoft's current policy is a 100-friend limit for each gamertag and to be honest, Ice-T's is probably full already with his own peeps. But it might be worth pursuing.

Why? I'll tell you why. Imagine you're playing Call Of Duty 4 online and you suddenly see a dude running between some shipping containers and his gamertag is LORD 187x. I don't know about you, but I would be all like HOLY SHIT THAT'S ICE-T SHOOT HIM SHOOT HIM KILL THAT MOTHERFUCKER GO GO GO!

Because can you imagine saying this phrase to your friends?...

"Man, I was playing Call Of Duty 4 last night and I'm pretty sure I wasted Ice-T."

Dragon Age has been delayed...you bastards.

Bioware's 80-100 hour long medieval RPG Dragon Age: Origins has been delayed. But unlike EVERY OTHER GAME, it's not until 2010. It's just a couple of weeks.

Originally, the game was set for release on October 23. But now it's November 3 for Xbox 360 and PC. Apparently the PS3 version will come 'later'. Whatever that means.

Yes, I'm pissed off too. But just watch this trailer ten times and calm down. It's only a week or two....Oh, who am I kidding I'M READY TO STAB THE NEAREST PUNK WHO MOUTHS OFF ANYWHERE NEAR ME! IT IS TRULY GOING TO BE THE AGE OF DRAGONS UP IN THIS BITCH! NYYYYAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHH!!!!

Early impressions of...Batman: Arkham Asylum.

Last night saw the release of the official demo for Batman: Arkham Asylum on Xbox 360 and PS3 (the demo for PC version is coming later apparently). And the short answer is: Hand over the full game NOW. I've just played through the demo twice and first impressions all point to success. Weighing in at about 1.5GB, the demo takes an eternity to download but it is well worth it. 

Pictured: 1.5GB of AWESOME.

The demo covers what appears to be the early introductory stage of the game with Batman (THAT'S YOU YEAH YOU PLAY AS THE FUCKING BATMAN) transporting Joker back to Arkham after yet another escape only to discover that Clown Prince of Crime has organised his own welcoming party. With the help of Harley Quinn, shit goes down.

The combat feels great. I lined up against a bunch of thugs and they never stood a chance. True, they hit me in the face a couple of times but action triggers an equal and opposite reaction and that reaction was to punch the fuck out of a whole bunch of thugs.While only very basic moves were evident in the demo, they were damn fun to control. Some punk tries to creep up behind me and I can counter their attack by pressing the Y button at a specific time and it's time for some broken bones. Right from the start, the feeling of 'being Batman' is really apparent.

See that dude trying to sneak up behind me? He's about to take a dirt nap.

Another major aspect of Batman's arsenal is Detective Mode. Tap the Left Bumper button and Batman's cowl enters a scan-vision type scenario. Information on the surroundings is shown in detail and the enemies' heat signature becomes clear through walls. Complete with a heart BPM indicator to show how scared out of their minds they are. The voice acting is solid. Mark Hamill and Kevin Conroy are expectedly awesome as the Joker and Batman. Hamill can still laugh maniacally like nothing else on earth.

One of the most exciting sections of the demo was an encounter with Victor Zsasz who, after escaping from his cell, took a guard hostage. I told the other guards to chill out and took him down. Jumping down from a gargoyle in the ceiling, I glided on my cape, kicked him in the head and knocked him out cold. As Zsasz was face down on the cement, I punched him in the back of the head. Just to be sure. And to top it all off, Batman turned to the guards and said...

"Take this animal back to his cell!"

Oh hell yes. 

Batman: Arkham Asylum is out on August 28th. I'll be there front and centre.

Who cares about Max?

Things are really starting to get out of hand with game delays in 2009. Week after week, game after game is delayed from the October/November period of this year to the first quarter of 2010: The Year We Make Contact. Just to clarify, the full list of delayed games are:

Bioshock 2

Mafia 2

Red Dead Redemption

Bayonetta

Dark Void

Splinter Cell:Conviction

Red Steel 2

Plus one more: Max Payne 3. Here's the thing. Everyone's up in arms about Bioshock and Mafia and the stupid fucking ridiculousness of Bayonetta, but poor old Max has been relegated to the sidelines. Nobody seems to be upset about Max Payne even though his new look and the game's new direction is really exciting.

Grumble, kill, grumble, wife, grumble, bullets, grumble.

Apparently, the game is set 12 years after Max Payne 2 and the NYPD is no longer part of Max's life. He now lives in Sao Paulo, Brazil and works in private security. Also, the game is no longer being made by Remedy Studios. Rockstar Vancouver has taken over development duties for Max's third outing and since their previous effort was the wonderfully enjoyable Bully, it could be a good thing.

What can Rockstar Vancouver do though? From the look of him, Max has undergone a few changes. But after having his wife and child murdered by junkies via a corporate conspiracy and then being framed for murder and watching his second chance at love die in his arms, it's understandable he might be a bit run-down in appearance. That, and that fact that he's wasted hundreds upon hundreds of people might keep him up at night too.

Grumble, trees, grumble, guns, grumble, cargo pants, grumble.

Here's the most intriguing part. What kind of hell can Max go through from here? Apparently, he's developed an addiction to painkillers and looks as if he sleeps in dumpsters, but can he actually be punished any further? Wouldn't he have gone insane by now? Or is he just a sociopath who bottles his rage until the moments when he holds two guns? Is that the only way he can feel alive anymore? How much more can life kick him in the face before this guy finally goes down?

Regardless of any of these questions, it seems to be a moot point for anyone with the delay of so many big titles. Industry analyst Michael Pachter from investment firm Wedbush Morgan came out this week to state that game developers are pretty disorganised when it comes to release dates and you know what? He's fucking right.

Michael Pachter = genius.

So where does that leave Max? For his third outing, he may have to just have go all 'Passion of the Christ' on us and have the shit beaten out of him for the entire game. Just to show these doubting folks that he can take it and get back up again. Because I can tell you, Max will be around longer than that idiotic Bayonetta woman.

Grumble, hoods, grumble, graffiti, grumble, fucking Bayonetta, grumble.

Sometimes the internet really delivers.

Reclaiming the world of Sega.

As a young lad in the early-nineties, I was one of many kids who fell under the spell of a hedgehog named Sonic. At the time, the only way to partake in his speedy, attitude-laden adventures was to get yourself a Sega Megadrive (known as a Sega Genesis in North America). After Sonic's many outings became repetitive (and boy, did they), the system had an abundance of incredible titles left in it's library and I couldn't get enough.

Sega were obviously some cheeky bitches back in those days.

Foolishly, I gave away my Megadrive to a friend and never saw it again. I invested myself pretty heavily in PC gaming at that point and for some unknown reason, thought it was rational to offload one of the best video game systems of all time. What a moron.

Anyway, as Cypress Hill once said, what go around come around. I have recently come into possession of a second generation system called the Megadrive 2.

Here she is. I've got one of those sweet controllers too.

But there's been a stumbling block. In this modern time of HD-TVs and such, cables can be a problem. Instead of simply plugging it in and getting on with the job, things are a little more complicated. I completely forgot about the system's weird hook-up. It's not just a simple cable, it's got this fucking switchbox monstrosity thing in the middle of it.

Oooh, you bastard.

As I said, it's a switchbox, so there's switch on it. Also, there's an AV cable to go into the back of the TV. And I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT IN THE NAME OF CHRIST TO DO. I try and try and keep coming up something other than trumps. The Megadrive works (the second generation machines had a power indicator light on them) but I just can't get a signal through to the TV.

I have checked on the internet to some extent and it seems I'm not the only person in the world with this problem. Poor clueless pricks implore people to help them on technology/game forums all over the web but the general response to their pleas has been something along the lines of "Maybe u shuld get a old TV eh? LOL!!!!".

Your typical internet forum user.

So fuck you old technology - I refuse to be defeated by your mysterious ways. I will conquer you. Mark my words. And before you know it, I'll be using you to achieve great happiness in the form of...

This is Desert Strike. You play as a helicopter pilot who recovers fuel barrels and shoots the fuck out of people in the Gulf.

This is NBA Jam. You play basketball and dunk the fuck out of the net as the announcer shouts BOOMSHAKALAKA! to indicate how awesome you are.

This is Road Rash 2. You race motorbikes and punch the fuck out of other riders and even cops. Which is what I'll do to this Megadrive if I can't hook it up properly.