My quest for cheap, uncut violence - Part 3

Two days to go...

In my hunt for an uncensored copy of the game, I completely forgot about one integral component that could be the answer to all my prayers.

Yes, the mighty empire that is EBAY might have my precious little object on sale. I've done a little checking and come across a few choice options. There's a million copies of GTA4 on sale as you can imagine, but I'm only interested in uncensored PAL versions - which there seems to be quite a few. The good thing is they're all cheap, like crazy cheap. Recommended Retail Price of $119.95? To hell with that. Most copies online are around the $60 mark.

There's one seller in particular I'm keeping an eye on. From Canada, he's got 45 copies of the game, all uncut & all PAL versions. Very positive feedback for this guy who's been with Ebay since 2002 and has sold over 13,000 items. And he's charging AU$49.99. Do I trust him to be all he says he is? Is he too good to be true? His sale ends in 2 days and 2 hours, so I better think quick.

Early reviews have started to creep in. Scores of perfect 10 apparently. The previous games have all rated highly but to score the game 10 out of 10 must indicate something rather special. Something verging on an unparalleled gaming experience. We'll see. We'll see just how much of my life is eaten away by this game. Not long now...

How to turn your home into the USS Nostromo.

Times are tough nowadays. What with rising inflation and crippling interest rates, it's difficult to even face your bank balance. So, here's a simple guide on how to reject your current reality and replace it with the surroundings of a 24th century mining ship.

The USCSS Nostromo is an M-class towing vessel, weighing over 60,000 metric tons and measuring in at a length of 245 metres. Now, it's a little unreasonable to think your home has these proportions, so let's make it work with what we've got. The Nostromo also has three decks but considering the limitations of most homes nowadays let's just stick to one.

LOUNGE ROOM

Fairy lights and white paint. Go to Bunnings Warehouse and buy up big in both. Also, you'll notice a few monitors on the wall. Take a trip to a computer wholesalers and ask for any discarded monitors they might have lying around and install them on your walls. (Make sure to leave a space in the fairy lights for the monitors). Make one of these spaces available for your television. It should be the one opposite the door. Also, get a car seat, paint it white and bolt it to the middle of the floor. Attach it to a Lazy Susan first for that 360 degree swivel effect. If there are any doorways or sharp edges, don't forget to cover them with foam (painted white) for the occasional time when you have to throw someone against the walls in a blind rage.

DINING ROOM

The key thing here is clutter. Pack the surface of the table with as much shit as you can find. Plates, cutlery, glasses, plastic containers, dinner trays and anything else you can find adds to the claustrophobic atmosphere of every meal. Also, make your way to IKEA or a similar store and buy the biggest light you can find and hang as low as possible in relation to the table. Every time food is served, all people in the house must eat at the same time and smoke cigarettes constantly during the meal.

BEDROOM

Again with the white paint. Get rid of your current bed and install a star-shaped multi-pod sleeping device in the centre of the room. You may find the pods slightly uncomfortable but you'll get used to it. Also, purchase large sheets of clear fibreglass and bend them to fit each pod. Hook up your alarm clock to the pods, so when it goes off - on come the lights and the fibreglass cover rises. If you don't already own them, buy a pack of nappies and change into them every time you hit the sack.

HALLWAYS

Don't bother with too many lights here. You'll need to save your money for all the foam tubing that you'll be applying to every inch of the walls and ceiling. If you have to, block off each corner of the hallway with fitted pieces of wood so you can make the area into a hexagonal walkway. Also attach a lot of unnecessary cords to the walls and install piping in certain places to shoot out bursts of steam at random intervals.

ATTIRE

You think you can walk around in this environment wearing shorts from City Beach? Think again. Buy lots of white & light blue pants, white shirts and dark green jackets. Cover them in grease and general grime and then wear them non-stop for months on end, only changing to wear your bed-nappies. The occasional hawaiian shirt and/or headband is permitted.

To apply the final touches, here's a list of things you won't need:

- xenomorphs

- malfunctioning androids

- sentient super-computers with irreversible self-destruct mechanisms.

My quest for cheap, uncut violence - Part 2 (supplemental)

Just as a side note, I realised recently I was yet again, getting frustrated with the Australian Office of Film and Literature Classification. This happens on an annual basis, usually as a result of the OFLC overreacting about censorship for some reason or another. My frustration is a sickness of sorts, but I just realised I have the medicine.



This is Manhunt. It was released uncensored at the end of 2003 with a minimum of fuss and I purchased it the week it was released. Now, it's not a brilliant game. It's very good but not great. It's atmosphere is the key thing. Playing as a convict, you make your way through slum after slum in Carcer City, being hunted by gang members sent by a sadistic snuff film director who taunts you as you try to survive a single night of terror. The tension is palpable in the game. Hugging the corners of buildings, you try your best to be as quiet as a mouse while staying in the shadows, lest the hunters track you down and brutally attack you. It's kill or be killed in Carcer City and most of the time, the sweat develops on your brow quicker than you can say "Oh shit, run!"

The OLFC released it uncensored in Australia in 2003. For ten months, everything was fine. But then a 17 year old kid killed a 14 year old kid in the UK. And the victim's mother blamed Manhunt, saying her son's attacker was 'obsessed' with the game. Eventually, the case was thrown out of court when it was discovered the attacker didn't own a copy of the game, but in fact the victim was the owner. And no evidence was found to put the blame on Manhunt's door.

The point is, the OLFC reacted in the worst way possible to this media story. In September 2004, it decided to pull the game from Australian shelves and ban it. Instead of standing by their initial decision in 2003, the office bowed to media pressure (which was unfounded) and changed their minds.

I'm not defending this game when it comes to children. Manhunt features wave after wave of death. When I'm skulking around in the game, stabbing gang members in the eyes with glass shards or garotting their heads off, I'm thinking two things:

- Fuck yeah! Suck it, motherfucker! Who's your daddy now, punk?

- Jeez, that was a bit much. I could actually see that guy's brain. Probably best for kids to stay away from this one.

So when I fire up my now rare copy of this pretty good but not great game, I imagine every hunter I come across works for the OLFC. And whether it be shotgun, baseball bat or plastic bag, it all works fine.

Then I feel relaxed again.

My quest for cheap, uncut violence - Part 2

So, it's April 21st and the day grows near.

I did some digging around and it seems things are going to get a lot more complicated before they get easier. The Australian Office of Film and Literature Classification (OFLC) are keeping mum about what exactly has been cut from the Australian release of Grand Theft Auto IV. But their official report states the following:

"hand to hand combat (basic punching and kicking) more regularly involves use of various weapons..."

"Blood pooling occurs under bodies that are shot at after death however no post-mortem damage (such as decapitation or dismemberment) is possible..."

"Scenes of a drug dealer is depicted implicitly, then explicitly, snorting lines of white powder (implied to be cocaine) from a table..."

Hmm. Nowhere in the OLFC's three page report does it mention anything that was removed from the game so at this stage, we are left to wonder what exactly was kept from us.

Anyway, I came to learn more about region coding recently. I always was aware of it in regards to DVDs but as for console games, I was a rather large noob.

Not no more I'm not.

play-asia.com might be my saviour. Millions of games for sale online and all easily categorised into regions (US, Japan, Europe etc.) for my beloved Xbox 360. There's a few GTA4's for sale but I need to investigate further so I don't wind up with a dud. And they're all half the price too. Sweet.

Now, I just hope this rumour about Australian customs isn't true. Word round the campfire is, that if you import an uncut copy of GTAIV, it will be seized and you'll be sent a fine. I'm sorry, am I importing hardcore German kiddie-porn with barnyard animals? No, I'm fucking not. This bullshit has never been enforced before so it's probably scare-mongering. Even so...

An informal chat with Osama Bin Laden.

Interview commences at 10:41am. From here on in, the interviewer will be tagged as 'I' whereas the interviewee will be 'O'.

I: (coughs) I think that's...yes, we're recording. Well, thank you for this time and granting me an interview.

O: No problem, dude.

I: Uh, I'm not entirely sure what to address you as...Osama?

O: Hell, no. Just make it Steve.

I: Okay. Steve Jenkins it is. Well Steve, can you explain where we are at the moment?

O: Yeah, sure. This is where I work. I bought this business a few years ago and I'm open seven days a week.

I: An ice cream shop.

O: That's right. With a dozen different flavours including Rocky Road and Choc Chip Mint. The kids love it.

I: Wow. People would be rather surprised that you...

O: I know.

I: ...would be here.

O: I know. But I'm just a simple business owner trying to make a living. I don't want to deal with all that bullshit.

I: What do you mean?

O: Huh?

I: What do you mean by 'bullshit'?

O: Oh...you know...the thing.

I: September 11?

O: Oh man, you didn't have to say it! That's all behind me now okay? I just want to make a living. I didn't agree...

I: But surely, Steve...

O: ...to talk about that in this interview.

I: Steve, surely you'd realise I would have to ask you about it.

O: Goddammit! (pause) Alright, I guess so. But can we talk about the shop too?

I: Yeah, sure. We'll get to that.

O: Special flavour of the week is Cherry Ripe Chocolate.

I: I'm sure it is. Can we talk about your beliefs for a minute?

O: What beliefs?

I: Well, you were pretty adamant back in 2002 about your religion and what it should represent for the rest of the world.

O: Oh that. No, fuck all that.

I: What? What do you mean?

O: I gave all that up years ago. All that 'God is great' nonsense. Got bored with it. I mean, if God was so great, would he have created Lindsay Lohan? Huh? (laughs)

I: (laughs) No, I suppose not.

O: You're goddamn right, man!

I: I see. So you don't believe in any higher power nowadays?

O: Nah, not really. I mean there might be something greater. Something there after we die. But how the fuck would I know? I ain't dead, right?

I: No, you're very much alive.

O: Hey, our Rocky Road cone is only four dollars.

I: Yes, okay. But a lot of people would like some answers about why you did what you did. Why you orchestrated one of the...

O: Oh shit...

I: ...most terrible acts of terrorism...

O: ...here we go.

I: ...in history. Why did you do it? Did you hate our freedom?

O: What? Are your retarded? You bought that bullshit? What, you think I was jealous of your freedom? Freedom to what? Eat McDonalds until I drop dead? Live in a fucking trailer with sixteen kids and a horse for a wife?

I: Well, I...

O: Because of that, I wanted to kill thousands?

I: As far as the government is concerned...

O: What government? The government that's led by a man who thought Mandela was dead? Is that the one you're talking about?

I: No, I wanted...

O: Hold on. (interviewee greets two customers) Mike! Sharon! What'll be today?

M: Hey Steve. Um, I think Sharon wants her usual, don't ya babe?

S: Oh you betcha! I love my Strawberry!

M: You sure do, you fat bitch! (laughs)

S: (laughs) Mike! Don't be cheeky!

M: (laughs) Sorry, babe. Just chocolate for me Steve.

O: No problem you crazy kids. That'll be $8.50.

M: There you go. Hey, you gonna come down to Joey's softball game this afternoon?

O: Oh, you bet. Seeya there.

M: Okey-doke. Get in the car you fat bitch! (laughs)

S: (laughs hysterically)

(long pause, interviewee returns)

O: Sorry, gotta keep moving. Now where were we?

I: Uh...I...I'm not sure. It doesn't really matter. Those were regulars, I take it?

O: Mike and Sharon? Yeah, they're here all the time.

I: I'm...I'm amazed. They have no idea?

O: What?

I: That you're Osama Bin Laden?

O: Oh shit, no of course not. Do you think I could make a single dollar if I kept my beard and called the place 'Bin Laden's'? Are you insane?

I: No, I just...,you've managed to integrate yourself quite well haven't you?

O: Yeah, it took a bit of time and a few makeovers. But, yeah I love it here.

I: (pause) So, why did you do it?

O: (sighs) Okay, you wanna know?

I: I think many people do, Steve.

O: Alright, I'll tell you. But this seems silly in hindsight. I was young and stupid. And wasted out of my mind, like all day long back then. You gotta understand that okay?

I: Okay.

O: Home Alone 2.

I: (pause) What?

O: The movie? Home Alone 2.

I: What? What are you talking about?

O: That's why I did it. I was young and didn't understand how movies worked.

I: Um...

O: Look, you know the kid in that movie?

I: Uh...Macaulay Culkin?

O: Yeah, that's him. Well, there's a bit in the movie where he visits the World Trade Center. You remember?

I: No.

O: Well, trust me. He does. Anyway, growing up in my town, we had no idea how movies worked. We thought they were real see? When I was young, I saw this movie and I hated this kid. Stupid little shit, always getting lost.

I: I don't...

O: Hang on, hang on. Anyway, I got drunk with these guys one night who kept telling me about how easy it was to fly planes in the US. Even so much as to say it was easy to fly a plane into a building.

I: Steve...

O: Wait, wait. Now you must understand I was young, stupid and I also smoked a lot of weed back then. You ever try Saudi weed? Well, it's the fucking bomb. Anyway, to cut a long story short - I wanted that little shit dead and I believed that was the easiest place to get him. You gotta understand I was stoned and drunk quite a bit.

I: So, let me get this straight. You destroyed the World Trade Center and killed thousands of people because...of a movie character?

O: Yeah, you see, I knew it would sound silly.

I: Wait, what about all your videos? The videos you kept releasing saying how you were fighting against the tyranny of the evil USA?

O: Oh Jesus, well I had to say something. I mean, thinking back it was pretty stupid reason. So I wasn't gonna actually say that on camera. (laughs) Can you imagine? "We strike at the heart of the USA because of...Kevin McAllister?" I would have looked like a massive tool!

I: I...(long pause)

O: Shit man, are you okay?

I: (long pause)

O: Hey, you want an ice cream?

I: (long pause) Uh...yes. I'll just have...a Rocky Road cone please.

INTERVIEW ENDS

My quest for cheap, uncut violence - Part 1

So in exactly twelve days time, this baby is released worldwide.

.

'Booyah!', I hear you exclaim. Yes, booyah indeed. It will be a monumentous occasion. People will be dancing in the streets, birds will sing and the bright blue sky will go on forever. Life will be sweet.

But, I have a problem. The country of which I reside is a medieval backwater when it comes to censhorship. Because of the government's baffling refusal to introduce an R18+ classification for games, the release of this particular game will arrive incomplete. Rather than have their game refused classification and essentially banned, the developers have been forced to edit, censor, water-down, cut, strip back parts of the game in order for it to go on the shelves and continue to shift units.

Now, usually this isn't a problem. For all previous installments, the same thing has happened to some extent. And my saviour has been the tiny but beautiful isle of New Zealand. See, Prime Minister Helen Clark is down with this gangsta shit and her government has had a R18+ classification for years. So in the past when an incomplete version of Grand Theft Auto has arrived in my local store, I've ignored every copy and ordered mine online from New Zealand.

This time? No dice. For some unknown reason (I intend to find out), the watered-down version of the game will also be the New Zealand version. How can this be? Don't New Zealand have a R18+ rating? Yes they do but something has gone terribly wrong and my usual life-line has now been severed. So, I'm on a mission. To once again bypass ancient outdated laws and get my game on. But this time it will be more difficult. This time, I'll have to be more dedicated, more ruthless and more resiliant than ever before.

Follow my journey dear reader, as I begin my quest to obtain an object that should be standard in stores but because of our misguided government, it will only be found after a trek of mammoth proportions. Stay tuned...

Also, they're charging $120.00 for it and I'll be a monkey's fucking uncle before I hand over that much for a video game.

Filthy-rich junkie rock star: Your child's preferred career.

When you're a parent, obviously you try your best to steer your bundle of joy into a successful career. Be it doctor, lawyer or internet billionaire, parents want the most secure job that the child can get. Well, guess what? Your child doesn't give a shit. When they're young, if your child ever looks like this:




Then they want their future work day to look like this:



No, don't try and fight it. The battle is already lost. The only choice you have left is to make sure your offspring does it correctly. For every Mick Jagger, there's a thousand Fred Dursts.

So, what can you do? A few things.

INSTRUMENTS

First off, make sure the child is on the right track. If they're wanting to pick up a bass guitar or fiddle with a keyboard, berate them heavily for at least two hours. Like this:

"Seriously, what on earth were you thinking? A bass guitar! Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Why don't you just stab me in the heart while you're at it! Bass guitars are for losers. You wanna be a loser your whole life? Do you? And why were you looking at that keyboard? Only underachievers and men called Mary play keys! Come here while I pinpoint exactly how you've disappointed me."

MUSICAL ABILITY

At this point, any thoughts of being a follower should be jettisoned from your child's mind. They should only be a leader. And for that, they require surprisingly little equipment.

- a microphone
- a guitar (optional)
- contempt for everything apart from booze, hard drugs and 'bitches'.

What your child WON'T need is the following:

- talent
- songwriting ability
- common sense
- a personality

These things are unnecessary and only slow them down on the road to superstardom. You may argue that only talented musicians last for decades. You may have been correct in 1978, but nowadays, you don't even require a soul to be successful.

SUPERFICIAL ADD-ONS

This is the most important stage. If the child is between the ages of 10-15, introduce them to hard drugs. Cocaine is preferable or perhaps speed. It's too early for heroin, but don't worry we'll get to that. The key thing here is for the child to develop a raging addiction in their early years and then STOP. Stopping is the most important part. Why is this? Because years from now, this line will be in their biography.

Developed a drug addiction at age 13.

Pretty impressive, no? You're damn right it will be.

As far as on-stage clothing is concerned, less is more. If your child is wearing more than two pieces of clothing, it's because they are insecure and gutless. Case in point:



See that? They're even wearing ties for Christ's sake! Did Jim Morrison wear a tie? Does Iggy Pop wear anything but crusty jeans? No and no.

If you child wishes to be a children's cover band singer, then beat that notion out of them quick smart. Preferably while drunk on whiskey or cheap wine. Why? I'll tell you why...

Suffered abuse at the hands of an alcoholic parent.

Pretty impressive, no? You're damn right it will be.