Thursday, April 17, 2008

My quest for cheap, uncut violence - Part 1

So in exactly twelve days time, this baby is released worldwide.

'Booyah!', I hear you exclaim. Yes, booyah indeed. It will be a monumentous occasion. People will be dancing in the streets, birds will sing and the bright blue sky will go on forever. Life will be sweet.

But, I have a problem. The country of which I reside is a medieval backwater when it comes to censhorship. Because of the government's baffling refusal to introduce an R18+ classification for games, the release of this particular game will arrive incomplete. Rather than have their game refused classification and essentially banned, the developers have been forced to edit, censor, water-down, cut, strip back parts of the game in order for it to go on the shelves and continue to shift units.

Now, usually this isn't a problem. For all previous installments, the same thing has happened to some extent. And my saviour has been the tiny but beautiful isle of New Zealand. See, Prime Minister Helen Clark is down with this gangsta shit and her government has had a R18+ classification for years. So in the past when an incomplete version of Grand Theft Auto has arrived in my local store, I've ignored every copy and ordered mine online from New Zealand.

This time? No dice. For some unknown reason (I intend to find out), the watered-down version of the game will also be the New Zealand version. How can this be? Don't New Zealand have a R18+ rating? Yes they do but something has gone terribly wrong and my usual life-line has now been severed. So, I'm on a mission. To once again bypass ancient outdated laws and get my game on. But this time it will be more difficult. This time, I'll have to be more dedicated, more ruthless and more resiliant than ever before.

Follow my journey dear reader, as I begin my quest to obtain an object that should be standard in stores but because of our misguided government, it will only be found after a trek of mammoth proportions. Stay tuned...

Also, they're charging $120.00 for it and I'll be a monkey's fucking uncle before I hand over that much for a video game.

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