Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Filthy-rich junkie rock star: Your child's preferred career.

When you're a parent, obviously you try your best to steer your bundle of joy into a successful career. Be it doctor, lawyer or internet billionaire, parents want the most secure job that the child can get. Well, guess what? Your child doesn't give a shit. When they're young, if your child ever looks like this:

Then they want their future work day to look like this:

No, don't try and fight it. The battle is already lost. The only choice you have left is to make sure your offspring does it correctly. For every Mick Jagger, there's a thousand Fred Dursts.

So, what can you do? A few things.


First off, make sure the child is on the right track. If they're wanting to pick up a bass guitar or fiddle with a keyboard, berate them heavily for at least two hours. Like this:

"Seriously, what on earth were you thinking? A bass guitar! Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Why don't you just stab me in the heart while you're at it! Bass guitars are for losers. You wanna be a loser your whole life? Do you? And why were you looking at that keyboard? Only underachievers and men called Mary play keys! Come here while I pinpoint exactly how you've disappointed me."


At this point, any thoughts of being a follower should be jettisoned from your child's mind. They should only be a leader. And for that, they require surprisingly little equipment.

- a microphone
- a guitar (optional)
- contempt for everything apart from booze, hard drugs and 'bitches'.

What your child WON'T need is the following:

- talent
- songwriting ability
- common sense
- a personality

These things are unnecessary and only slow them down on the road to superstardom. You may argue that only talented musicians last for decades. You may have been correct in 1978, but nowadays, you don't even require a soul to be successful.


This is the most important stage. If the child is between the ages of 10-15, introduce them to hard drugs. Cocaine is preferable or perhaps speed. It's too early for heroin, but don't worry we'll get to that. The key thing here is for the child to develop a raging addiction in their early years and then STOP. Stopping is the most important part. Why is this? Because years from now, this line will be in their biography.

Developed a drug addiction at age 13.

Pretty impressive, no? You're damn right it will be.

As far as on-stage clothing is concerned, less is more. If your child is wearing more than two pieces of clothing, it's because they are insecure and gutless. Case in point:

See that? They're even wearing ties for Christ's sake! Did Jim Morrison wear a tie? Does Iggy Pop wear anything but crusty jeans? No and no.

If you child wishes to be a children's cover band singer, then beat that notion out of them quick smart. Preferably while drunk on whiskey or cheap wine. Why? I'll tell you why...

Suffered abuse at the hands of an alcoholic parent.

Pretty impressive, no? You're damn right it will be.

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