Friday, April 18, 2008

An informal chat with Osama Bin Laden.

Interview commences at 10:41am. From here on in, the interviewer will be tagged as 'I' whereas the interviewee will be 'O'.

I: (coughs) I think that's...yes, we're recording. Well, thank you for this time and granting me an interview.

O: No problem, dude.

I: Uh, I'm not entirely sure what to address you as...Osama?

O: Hell, no. Just make it Steve.

I: Okay. Steve Jenkins it is. Well Steve, can you explain where we are at the moment?

O: Yeah, sure. This is where I work. I bought this business a few years ago and I'm open seven days a week.

I: An ice cream shop.

O: That's right. With a dozen different flavours including Rocky Road and Choc Chip Mint. The kids love it.

I: Wow. People would be rather surprised that you...

O: I know.

I: ...would be here.

O: I know. But I'm just a simple business owner trying to make a living. I don't want to deal with all that bullshit.

I: What do you mean?

O: Huh?

I: What do you mean by 'bullshit'?

O: know...the thing.

I: September 11?

O: Oh man, you didn't have to say it! That's all behind me now okay? I just want to make a living. I didn't agree...

I: But surely, Steve...

O: talk about that in this interview.

I: Steve, surely you'd realise I would have to ask you about it.

O: Goddammit! (pause) Alright, I guess so. But can we talk about the shop too?

I: Yeah, sure. We'll get to that.

O: Special flavour of the week is Cherry Ripe Chocolate.

I: I'm sure it is. Can we talk about your beliefs for a minute?

O: What beliefs?

I: Well, you were pretty adamant back in 2002 about your religion and what it should represent for the rest of the world.

O: Oh that. No, fuck all that.

I: What? What do you mean?

O: I gave all that up years ago. All that 'God is great' nonsense. Got bored with it. I mean, if God was so great, would he have created Lindsay Lohan? Huh? (laughs)

I: (laughs) No, I suppose not.

O: You're goddamn right, man!

I: I see. So you don't believe in any higher power nowadays?

O: Nah, not really. I mean there might be something greater. Something there after we die. But how the fuck would I know? I ain't dead, right?

I: No, you're very much alive.

O: Hey, our Rocky Road cone is only four dollars.

I: Yes, okay. But a lot of people would like some answers about why you did what you did. Why you orchestrated one of the...

O: Oh shit...

I: ...most terrible acts of terrorism...

O: we go.

I: history. Why did you do it? Did you hate our freedom?

O: What? Are your retarded? You bought that bullshit? What, you think I was jealous of your freedom? Freedom to what? Eat McDonalds until I drop dead? Live in a fucking trailer with sixteen kids and a horse for a wife?

I: Well, I...

O: Because of that, I wanted to kill thousands?

I: As far as the government is concerned...

O: What government? The government that's led by a man who thought Mandela was dead? Is that the one you're talking about?

I: No, I wanted...

O: Hold on. (interviewee greets two customers) Mike! Sharon! What'll be today?

M: Hey Steve. Um, I think Sharon wants her usual, don't ya babe?

S: Oh you betcha! I love my Strawberry!

M: You sure do, you fat bitch! (laughs)

S: (laughs) Mike! Don't be cheeky!

M: (laughs) Sorry, babe. Just chocolate for me Steve.

O: No problem you crazy kids. That'll be $8.50.

M: There you go. Hey, you gonna come down to Joey's softball game this afternoon?

O: Oh, you bet. Seeya there.

M: Okey-doke. Get in the car you fat bitch! (laughs)

S: (laughs hysterically)

(long pause, interviewee returns)

O: Sorry, gotta keep moving. Now where were we?

I: Uh...I...I'm not sure. It doesn't really matter. Those were regulars, I take it?

O: Mike and Sharon? Yeah, they're here all the time.

I: I'm...I'm amazed. They have no idea?

O: What?

I: That you're Osama Bin Laden?

O: Oh shit, no of course not. Do you think I could make a single dollar if I kept my beard and called the place 'Bin Laden's'? Are you insane?

I: No, I just...,you've managed to integrate yourself quite well haven't you?

O: Yeah, it took a bit of time and a few makeovers. But, yeah I love it here.

I: (pause) So, why did you do it?

O: (sighs) Okay, you wanna know?

I: I think many people do, Steve.

O: Alright, I'll tell you. But this seems silly in hindsight. I was young and stupid. And wasted out of my mind, like all day long back then. You gotta understand that okay?

I: Okay.

O: Home Alone 2.

I: (pause) What?

O: The movie? Home Alone 2.

I: What? What are you talking about?

O: That's why I did it. I was young and didn't understand how movies worked.

I: Um...

O: Look, you know the kid in that movie?

I: Uh...Macaulay Culkin?

O: Yeah, that's him. Well, there's a bit in the movie where he visits the World Trade Center. You remember?

I: No.

O: Well, trust me. He does. Anyway, growing up in my town, we had no idea how movies worked. We thought they were real see? When I was young, I saw this movie and I hated this kid. Stupid little shit, always getting lost.

I: I don't...

O: Hang on, hang on. Anyway, I got drunk with these guys one night who kept telling me about how easy it was to fly planes in the US. Even so much as to say it was easy to fly a plane into a building.

I: Steve...

O: Wait, wait. Now you must understand I was young, stupid and I also smoked a lot of weed back then. You ever try Saudi weed? Well, it's the fucking bomb. Anyway, to cut a long story short - I wanted that little shit dead and I believed that was the easiest place to get him. You gotta understand I was stoned and drunk quite a bit.

I: So, let me get this straight. You destroyed the World Trade Center and killed thousands of people because...of a movie character?

O: Yeah, you see, I knew it would sound silly.

I: Wait, what about all your videos? The videos you kept releasing saying how you were fighting against the tyranny of the evil USA?

O: Oh Jesus, well I had to say something. I mean, thinking back it was pretty stupid reason. So I wasn't gonna actually say that on camera. (laughs) Can you imagine? "We strike at the heart of the USA because of...Kevin McAllister?" I would have looked like a massive tool!

I: I...(long pause)

O: Shit man, are you okay?

I: (long pause)

O: Hey, you want an ice cream?

I: (long pause) Uh...yes. I'll just have...a Rocky Road cone please.


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