Thursday, April 24, 2008

How to turn your home into the USS Nostromo.

Times are tough nowadays. What with rising inflation and crippling interest rates, it's difficult to even face your bank balance. So, here's a simple guide on how to reject your current reality and replace it with the surroundings of a 24th century mining ship.

The USCSS Nostromo is an M-class towing vessel, weighing over 60,000 metric tons and measuring in at a length of 245 metres. Now, it's a little unreasonable to think your home has these proportions, so let's make it work with what we've got. The Nostromo also has three decks but considering the limitations of most homes nowadays let's just stick to one.


Fairy lights and white paint. Go to Bunnings Warehouse and buy up big in both. Also, you'll notice a few monitors on the wall. Take a trip to a computer wholesalers and ask for any discarded monitors they might have lying around and install them on your walls. (Make sure to leave a space in the fairy lights for the monitors). Make one of these spaces available for your television. It should be the one opposite the door. Also, get a car seat, paint it white and bolt it to the middle of the floor. Attach it to a Lazy Susan first for that 360 degree swivel effect. If there are any doorways or sharp edges, don't forget to cover them with foam (painted white) for the occasional time when you have to throw someone against the walls in a blind rage.


The key thing here is clutter. Pack the surface of the table with as much shit as you can find. Plates, cutlery, glasses, plastic containers, dinner trays and anything else you can find adds to the claustrophobic atmosphere of every meal. Also, make your way to IKEA or a similar store and buy the biggest light you can find and hang as low as possible in relation to the table. Every time food is served, all people in the house must eat at the same time and smoke cigarettes constantly during the meal.


Again with the white paint. Get rid of your current bed and install a star-shaped multi-pod sleeping device in the centre of the room. You may find the pods slightly uncomfortable but you'll get used to it. Also, purchase large sheets of clear fibreglass and bend them to fit each pod. Hook up your alarm clock to the pods, so when it goes off - on come the lights and the fibreglass cover rises. If you don't already own them, buy a pack of nappies and change into them every time you hit the sack.


Don't bother with too many lights here. You'll need to save your money for all the foam tubing that you'll be applying to every inch of the walls and ceiling. If you have to, block off each corner of the hallway with fitted pieces of wood so you can make the area into a hexagonal walkway. Also attach a lot of unnecessary cords to the walls and install piping in certain places to shoot out bursts of steam at random intervals.


You think you can walk around in this environment wearing shorts from City Beach? Think again. Buy lots of white & light blue pants, white shirts and dark green jackets. Cover them in grease and general grime and then wear them non-stop for months on end, only changing to wear your bed-nappies. The occasional hawaiian shirt and/or headband is permitted.

To apply the final touches, here's a list of things you won't need:

- xenomorphs
- malfunctioning androids
- sentient super-computers with irreversible self-destruct mechanisms.

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