Searching for the perfect Wild West game.

"Why, you yellow-bellied no-good do-gooder sumbitch. I thought I done told you never to set foot in this town again."

"Well, you thought wrong."

BLAM!

Now, I've just written that off the top of my head but damn, doesn't it portray something that we are all familiar with? And isn't it awesome? Ever since people like Clint Eastwood said a whole lot of nothing but spoke with his trigger finger, the western genre has intrigued me. Naturally, I've wanted to experience this in video game form. Over the years, there hasn't been too many stabs at the wild west game and even less worth mentioning. But that might be about to change.

The first recorded video game set in the time of gunslingers and undertakers was 1971's The Oregon Trail. Based on a real event, you play a wagon leader traveling from Missouri to Oregon, presumably dealing with challenging obstacles along the way. Apparently you can download it for your iPhone now.

Best use of the return key, ever.

Eastwood Excitement level: 

1985 though, was when the real shit started. The humble Commodore 64 unleashed Law Of the West. A simple yet insanely addictive game.

Seriously, what was the town planner thinking putting those two buildings together?

The player took the role of a lonely, maladjusted sheriff who stood in the street all day waiting for people to come talk to him. And deciding whether or not to shoot them. (The above picture was the only screen in the game, just with different text and enemies). You met bandits, doctors, whores, kids and other townsfolk who wanted to a little chat to their local lawman - unaware that said lawman could shoot them in the head before they even started talking. When you decided to end their unholy existence (apart from the doctor, he could heal your wounds), you pulled down on the joystick and then up to aim. An EXTREMELY volatile crosshair appeared and you had a short time to shoot.

Eastwood Excitement level:

The early nineties saw the release of an arcade game that ate untold numbers of coins from young boys' pockets: Sunset Riders. Up to four players could assume the role of bounty hunters to hunt down the most ruthless bastard outlaws around and shoot them dead. Couple that with fun cartoony art and Shinobi-style gameplay  and it entered the realm of legend.

Words to live by.

Later, Sunset Riders was ported to the Megadrive and Super Nintendo. But by then, nobody cared. Nobody meaning me.

Eastwood Excitement level:

Rockstar Games took a stab at the genre next with Red Dead Revolver on Playstation 2 in 2004. A pretty damn fine game but bordering on repetitive in certain parts. You play as Red, a dude whose parents were killed by outlaws and he vows to...blah, blah, blah.

And you could use two goddamn guns.

The action is nicely done but the characters and the setting is one-dimensional. On the whole a great game but only in short doses. After you watch a cut-scene, you shoot everything. Repeat. The end. Now, you may be wondering what else would you want from a wild west game? Well, bear with me here.

Eastwood Excitement level:

So, after all these valiant but no-quite-there attempts, you'd think I would have give up hope. Not so. A couple of years ago, Call Of Juarez was released on PC and later Xbox 360. What initially seemed brilliant in this game quickly became broken. There were a lot of things wrong that game - awful enemies, dodgy physics - but it has one inventive thing going for it, the story. Now a sequel has been announced: Call Of Juarez - Bound In Blood. It looks like the bomb. Hopefully, it will rectify all the problems of the first game and finally satisfy my needs. Fingers crossed, kids.

Eastwood Excitement Level:

This version of Batman will never look this good again.

Well, things seem to be shaping up amazingly well for the release of Batman: Arkham Asylum for PC, Xbox 360 and PS3. Rocksteady's dip into the legendary waters of this 70-year-old character is looking better and better. As previously reported on Preparations For Birth, the plot goes something like this:

- Batman brings Joker to Arkham

- Joker escapes and lets all the freaks loose

- Batman has to deal with said freaks

- Batman then presumably punches the fuck out of Joker

Simple, yet genius. The first real meaty look at the game came a little while back at the Game Developer's Conference in San Francisco that took place in March. One of the game directors walks us through the 'Invisible Predator' gameplay of the game. Basically, that means what Batman can see and how he can punch the fuck out of it. For those of you who may have missed it, look below. For those of you who have seen it, check this out anyway because this is the better, extended cut of the video...

Pretty sweet huh? So, do you want this game like right now this second? I'll bet. But wait, there's more. Over the last week or so, they've released a couple of villian trailers which are very interesting. The first features Bane. This guy is rather important in the Batman universe as A) he is one of the smartest and cunning villians ever, and B) he broke Batman's back in the early nineties. Whether we will see Batman's spine twinge in the game when they meet is something we'll have to wait for. In the meantime, check it...

Also loose in the madhouse is Joker's on-again off-again insane girlfriend Harley Quinn. I've never totally been convinced by this character but I can see potential here. She's mad as a cut snake and hopefully that will amount to some disturbing shit rather than a lot of pointless giggling. According to this trailer, it looks like the former...

June, if you're wondering. I cannot confirm the exact date (some say the 19th, others say the 23rd) but mid-year is definitely the time this game is set to hit the shelves.

But holy shit, does this game look the goods. I have no choice in the matter - I am forced to get my hopes up. If this game fails, then so be it. But the thing you have to remember is, there will be no Batman game that looks this good prior to release ever again. Keep that in mind folks. Keep it in mind while we wait for this potential masterpiece. See, there goes those high hopes again. What a naive fool I am. I swear, Eidos and Rocksteady, that if you fail me you will rue this day. I will...I'll...well I don't know exactly. If the game sucks I'll probably dress up as Batman and sit outside your house. Failing that, a stern email will sent. That's right, you heard me! EMAIL!

Behold my new god.

Financial doom awaits.

As some of you know, I've had a nostalgia kick recently. Harking back to the heady days of, oh I don't know, let's say 1993, my mind has recalled stellar gaming moments from my past. Naturally, as you get older, things like this appear more fun than previously thought. And it seems I'm not the only one. In the last five to ten years, older video games have become more and more popular for collectors and generally awesome people. But not everybody has their heart in the right place when it comes to this ancient hobby. A new kind of video game collector has emerged: the 8-bit musician. The kind of nerd who wants to hook their Game Boy or Commodore Amiga up to a sampler or keyboard and make 'tunes' from it so they can appear on stage in underground clubs and try to appear cool and hip and show off their Mario tattoos. Quite simply, fuck these people.

 

Oh, just die already.

Instead of embracing something wholly spectacular (video games) in its intended form, they leave that concept in the dust only to jump on the nearest fad that outside of a nightclub any sane person would deem reprehensible try-hard wankery. Look at the crowd at these gigs and just try to prove me wrong.

Drunk in a nightclub at 4am: "Man, that dude who's been crouching over that Casio for the past hour and a half is an absolute genius! This music is awesome! I can't feel my face!"

Sober at home at 11am: "What is this shit? I'm supposed to be impressed because he made a dub version of the Tetris music? Fuck that, I'm off to buy some video games."

Anyway, I went off on a tangent there. The point is, I'm looking to get myself some older video games. It ain't going to be easy but, oh boy, it will be worth it.

Now, looking in local shops is always an option. Finding hidden gems that were somehow overlooked and are now priced down is a simple joy unique to this particular universe. But it is also quite rare. More likely I will have to find what I want through Ebay. Damn you Ebay, you foul, tempting creature. You're some kind of succubus, evil and heartless, only presenting yourself to the masses to bring down humanity through your despicable existence. Do you realise just how much misery you have wrought upon unsuspecting innocents?

Picture unrelated.

First on my wishlist is a Sega Megadrive. I owned one years ago but for some unknown reason gave it away to a friend (I do recall my younger self to be a moron in many ways, so this act is unsurprising). I haven't seen that friend since the 20th century so I hope he put it to good use. This was a mind-numbingly good piece of hardware. Great controls, even better games and the best thing - sturdy as fuck. My Xbox 360 has broken several times but I imagine my old Megadrive is still somewhere out there running strong. There's an entire quarry load of them on Ebay, so I'll have to be ruthless in my investigating. Believe me, anything that can play NBA Jam: Tournament Edition is worth chasing after.

Come to Papa.

Saw: The Video Game...uh-huh.

Even though there are several pieces of evidence to the contrary, game developers and movie studios still believe they are welcome bedfellows. Despite 99.9 percent of their collaborations being unwatchable train wrecks, they continue to churn out video games based on movies year after year. Be it Shrek, High School Musical or any number of Vin Diesel turds, it is glaringly apparent video games based on movies are a BAD idea. The Warriors, of course, being the only exception.

 Eat brick, motherfucker.

Despite this below average track record, they'll never stop removing the soul of a video game and replacing with whatever-the-kids-are-into-that-year. This theory explains why they thought casting Jean-Claude Van Damme in a movie based a game about two dudes punching each other was box-office gold.

So the latest attempt at this cash-cow is...the Saw movies. Oh dear me. First of all, you may be thinking that a game based on the Saw franchise could be alright. Well, let me in on a little secret. No it won't. It will be crap. It will (if it actually is released) be boring, stupid and pointless. Exactly how many times would you play it? ONCE AND ONCE ONLY. Why? Because once you figure out the traps, the game is then rendered useless. Regardless of all that, the game itself will be a poorly designed collection of mini-games. 

Basically this, but with syringe pits.

The developers have already shown demo gameplay around, featuring 'press-this-button-now-to-escape-the-trap' style sections of the game. If that is the majority of the game, then I'm sure they'll be people lining up around the block on the October 09 release day to be bored out of their fucking minds.

Now, don't get me wrong here. I thoroughly enjoyed the first Saw movie. The dude from Princess Bride sawing his own foot off? Sign me up. Saw 2 however was a bit stupid and after watching one of the New Kids On The Block whinge throughout the entire film, I never ventured further into the Saw canon for fear of wasting my hard-earned coin. That said, the second film was a brilliant piece of cinema when compared to the unbelievably stupid Hostel movies that somehow turned horrific gore-laden scenes into badly acted snorefests. But I digress.

Despite your own opinion, you are wrong. A good game could not in any way be produced with the Saw license. Just accept it now and thank me later this year for saving you ninety bucks.

Jigsaw: "I want to play a game." Me: "So do I, you know of any good ones? AWW YEAH THAT'S RIGHT JIGSAW I WENT THERE! GIMME FIVE UP TOP! BOOMSHAKALA!"

"Pipes are the arteries of this mighty erection!"

When I started playing video games, I started on a Commodore 64. For those of you who are not old enough to know what the hell that is, here let me paint you a collage of memories:

+

=

The games on it were fantastic. Skate Or Die, Summer Games, Combat School, Commando, Last Ninja and hundreds of others saw me through a piracy-based childhood (note: I didn't go out of my way to pirate games in the C64, that's just how games ended up in your hands back then). After this awesome machine and a 486 PC afterwards, I pretty much made the exclusive move to consoles (Megadrive, Playstation, Playstation 2, Gamecube, Xbox 360). 

Recently, nostalgia hit me like a ton of bricks. I dug out a Dell Inspiron laptop I bought in 2002 and have decided to revisit some of the classics. Starting with this:

That's me on the left, in the trenchcoat. I haven't figured out what to do with that big robot yet.

This is Beneath A Steel Sky. It's a point-and-click adventure from 1994. You play a dude named Robert who, along with his uppity robot Joey, has to escape from the oppressive Union City (which is apparently Sydney in the distant future) and return to your home. It's got more character in one sprite than most brand new games on the shelf right now and it's only 71 MB. 

So, exciting days ahead then. Since my little old laptop could run the shit out of any top shelf game in 2002, then these old classics will have no problem. That's all I plan to use it for and since there's TONS of them out there, I'll be busy.  

Now if only I can get my hands on these treasures:

Pictured above: Fucking awesome.