Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Saw: The Video Game...uh-huh.

Even though there are several pieces of evidence to the contrary, game developers and movie studios still believe they are welcome bedfellows. Despite 99.9 percent of their collaborations being unwatchable train wrecks, they continue to churn out video games based on movies year after year. Be it Shrek, High School Musical or any number of Vin Diesel turds, it is glaringly apparent video games based on movies are a BAD idea. The Warriors, of course, being the only exception.

 Eat brick, motherfucker.

Despite this below average track record, they'll never stop removing the soul of a video game and replacing with whatever-the-kids-are-into-that-year. This theory explains why they thought casting Jean-Claude Van Damme in a movie based a game about two dudes punching each other was box-office gold.

So the latest attempt at this cash-cow is...the Saw movies. Oh dear me. First of all, you may be thinking that a game based on the Saw franchise could be alright. Well, let me in on a little secret. No it won't. It will be crap. It will (if it actually is released) be boring, stupid and pointless. Exactly how many times would you play it? ONCE AND ONCE ONLY. Why? Because once you figure out the traps, the game is then rendered useless. Regardless of all that, the game itself will be a poorly designed collection of mini-games. 

Basically this, but with syringe pits.

The developers have already shown demo gameplay around, featuring 'press-this-button-now-to-escape-the-trap' style sections of the game. If that is the majority of the game, then I'm sure they'll be people lining up around the block on the October 09 release day to be bored out of their fucking minds.

Now, don't get me wrong here. I thoroughly enjoyed the first Saw movie. The dude from Princess Bride sawing his own foot off? Sign me up. Saw 2 however was a bit stupid and after watching one of the New Kids On The Block whinge throughout the entire film, I never ventured further into the Saw canon for fear of wasting my hard-earned coin. That said, the second film was a brilliant piece of cinema when compared to the unbelievably stupid Hostel movies that somehow turned horrific gore-laden scenes into badly acted snorefests. But I digress.

Despite your own opinion, you are wrong. A good game could not in any way be produced with the Saw license. Just accept it now and thank me later this year for saving you ninety bucks.

Jigsaw: "I want to play a game." Me: "So do I, you know of any good ones? AWW YEAH THAT'S RIGHT JIGSAW I WENT THERE! GIMME FIVE UP TOP! BOOMSHAKALA!"

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