Tuesday, January 6, 2009

An open letter to Sony RE: 2009

Dear Sony,

Congratulations, you made it. Just scraped through 2008 didn't you? Well done.

Yes, yes, we all know that Microsoft and Nintendo just wiped the floor with you last year but lets not dwell on the past. Let's talk about the future. Yours and mine. But more specifically, mine. I have a small request. You don't have to act on it right away, but if you could achieve it sometime in 2009, that would be fully sick/hella awesome/quite agreeable.

Okay here it is...

CONVINCE ME TO BUY A PLAYSTATION 3.


Whew. Okay, that's it. Rather simple don't you think? I've been a loyal Sony customer in the past. I bought a Playstation in 1998 and then a few years later upgraded to a Ps2. I've gone through a couple of Ps2's in my time actually.

So could you make this request a reality?

No? Too difficult? Hmm, well that's okay. I can give you a few pointers on how to achieve this pretty small task. Pens at the ready? Alright, pay attention...


1. DROP THE FUCKING PRICE ALREADY YOU HEARTLESS MONEY-HUNGRY BASTARDS.

Seriously, are you still sitting there in your glass towers looking at charts and asking Bob from Accounting why you're bleeding money quicker than a hemophiliac breakdancing on a bed of nails? If you are, then I'll hand it you - YOU ARE THE DUMBEST BUSINESSMEN ON THE PLANET.


Pictured: You.


Let me explain a little scenario for you that might make things a little clearer.


1. Currently, a Playstation 3 costs about $700.

2. In 2000, the Playstation 2 was released and it cost $700 at time of launch.

3. In 2008, the Playstation 2 costs about $150.

4. Here's a quick rundown of the most played consoles of 2008...

- Playstation 2 (31.2%)
- Xbox 360 (17.2 %)
- Wii (13.4%)
- original Xbox (9.7%)
- Playstation 3 (7.3%)
- Gamecube (4.6%)
- other (16.2%)

Source: http://www.nielsen.com/media/2008/pr_081212.html


Now, just in case you missed it, I'll highlight the most important parts.


A) MORE PEOPLE PLAYED A PLAYSTATION 2 THAN ANYTHING ELSE.
B) MORE PEOPLE PLAYED AN ORIGINAL XBOX THAN A PLAYSTATION 3.



Your nemesis in 2009.
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Now I have little to no business sense, but even I can see that and ask "Sumthin' ain't right here!". Also, stop acting like everybody's still scrambling to buy your product. When you came out and stated there would be no price cut in March 2009 because the awesomeness of the PS3 warrants its current price, all you did was change the public view of you from 'pricks' to 'arrogant deluded pricks'.
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2. RELY ON SOFTWARE TO MOVE YOUR PRODUCT AS OPPOSED TO BROKEN, POINTLESS 'SOCIAL-NETWORKS'.


Look here. You looking? Okay, check this out...



A fun, convenient gateway to games.





A fun, convenient gateway to games.



A shitload of fucking bullshit.



See that? Pretty straightforward huh? Look, you should - nay, NEED come to the realisation that Playstation Home sucks. Paying money to stand in queues to wait to play clones of old arcade games, sitting in faux-cinemas watching the trailer for 'Twilight' on an endless loop and constantly being asked 'R U GIRL 4 REALZ? PLS SEND NOODS' is something that is not actually all that fun. Do you understand what fun is? Fun is games. Wow! What a revelation! You mean people want to play games on your games console? Who would thunk it? I'll tell you who - Wii & Xbox 360 owners that's who!

Your technology is amazing. The console itself has the power and advanced circuitry to send men to the fucking moon so use that on awesome games. Not on creating a place for 12 year old racist homophobes and middle-aged paedophiles to hang out.


3. NO HUMAN BEING ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH GIVES A FUCK ABOUT BLU-RAY.


I'm not sure if you realise this or not, but people loathe change. Only now, right now - the beginning of 2009 - are people just now starting to accept the DVD format as the norm. Yes! Crazy ain't it? There's even several million households that still own a VCR. Insane!


AWESOME.




CARE FACTOR: ZERO.



There might be a tiny smattering of people who could possibly conceive how Holy-Shit-incredible it would be to watch The Dark Knight on Blu-Ray, but there ain't enough of them to save you from the all-encompassing money pit that is now swallowing your company whole. As far as the general public is concerned, DVD just came in yesterday, and they'll be damned if they have to change over their expensive-as-all-hell Babylon 5 box sets for a second time so soon. Blu-Ray is nice and everything but stop fucking using it as a main selling feature.



Well, I could go on and on here but these 3 points are probably your most important right now. All I want to do is give you money. Do you get it? I'm ready to give you oodles of cash if you just change a few things. When you do, let me know and I'll be the proud owner of a Playstation 3.

P.S. Stop acting like massive pricks.


Sincerely,


Rayfield

Loyal Sony customer since 1998

Loyal Microsoft customer since 2006

17 comments:

  1. Here here

    Having purchased both PS1 and PS2 in the past, I fully expected to get a PS3.. Until I saw it, and listened to the rhetoric about it....

    What a load of bollucks...

    Too expensive, and I don't care about Blu-ray
    Oh and you forgot that there just aren't that many good games on it.

    Every title I ever wanted (Tekken Final Fantasy and GTA have all been released or are due to release on the Xbox360) Sorry Sony... you have dropped the ball and then some....





    You said it all...

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  2. Yeah, I just read recently about the latest Final Fantasy coming out on 360. Sweet!

    When are you finally getting gonna get one? I understand you have different expenses nowadays but we need to hook up and shoot at things like back in the good old Doom days.

    God knows Ry can't be bothered. :)

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  3. Well feel free to donate to the "Buy Aaron an Xbox 360" Fund.
    Otherwise It probably will be a fair while before I get one.... I just can't justify that much on a console....:-( Damn real life butting in.

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  4. Fuck you :D It costs money I don't to sign up to the stupid Microsoft whatever-it's-called, AND I'd have to increase my broadband download! :D

    PS - But perhaps Dollhouse will be as god-awful as that other Whedon project, Firefly. ;)

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  5. Aaah Ry you reveal your lack of class with that Firefly comment.

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  6. Or, indeed, my consumate taste...oh, it's not without reason the programme was cancelled. And let's face it, it is the only programme to improve three episodes after cancellation :D

    Meanwhile, I've just discovered that Rayfield is giving me a couple of hundred dollars to get XBox Live...in return I will pay him 15 dollars to change his stupid identity...Raygun Brown indeed...

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  7. 1. Firefly was awesome.

    2. Xbox Live is currently priced at $99.95 for 12 month Xbox Gold membership with bonus headset and 200 MS points. $79.95 for just the 12 month membership and $39.95 for 3 months.

    3. With the what now?

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  8. 1. Indeed it is awesome, and that is why we are currently sitting through Season Seven of that awesomeness. Oh, no...wait a minute...that's right...we AREN'T watching Season Seven. In fact, it didn't get to Season Two! Why...oh yes..it was CANCELLED!!!! Now bleat on about how Whedon's programmes were cancelled when Buffy was, but sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

    2. So you're only giving me $100? :D

    3. I will pay for you to no longer be Raygun Brown...how complicated can it be? :D

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  9. One more thing...

    Take my love, take my land
    Take me where I cannot stand
    I don't care, I'm still free
    You can't take the sky from me

    {More shithouse country music...)

    ;)

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  10. Rayfield & Aaron: Hey, Firefly was a good TV series.

    Ryan: FUCK FIREFLY, FUCK JOSS WHEDON AND FUCK YOU. :)



    P.S. 11 comments on this article alone. Awww yeah *pumps fist*

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  11. Also, if I give you $100, you'll have to buy a game that I deem to be awesome right?

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  12. Rayfield & Aaron: I love Joss Whedon. The next shit he takes will no doubt be the most superior television I have ever seen.

    Ryan: Buffy's good, Joss Whedon writes some great stuff (including the comic Runaways). Doesn't change the fact Firely is shit. FUCK YOU! :D

    Also, I thought you said there was a game coming out this year that we all had to get cause it would kick arse?

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  13. Didn't they Cancel Dr who.....

    Just saying.. sometimes those who do the cancelling.... they don't know Sh*t!!!!

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  14. Two points though....

    Firefly cancelled after 12 episodes.
    Doctor Who cancelled after 26 YEARSSS!!!!

    Doctor Who was in permanent development from 1990...
    Firefly...not even underconsideration....

    But there is an argument that when Doctor Who was cancelled it was shit....so my point stands.

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  15. Yes but we all know the English are better at this sort of thing than the Americans....

    Ahhh sod it, my brains hurts... lets just face it, your opinion is wrong

    ;-)

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  16. I'm assuming you don't want me to play the ratings card? ;)

    ReplyDelete