Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Why women should quickly forget 2008.

Hello there women. Had a good 2008? Yes? Your life progressed along quite nicely did it? Full of dreams fulfilled, hopes realised and rewards gotten? Yes?

That's good. Do you know who else had an awesome 2008? I'll tell you. A company named Ubisoft and a company named Nintendo. Ubisoft are a French games developer responsible for some great games over the years (Beyond Good & Evil, all the Tom Clancy games) but in 2008 they went above and beyond in the revenue department. Nintendo are a legendary games company that also towered above the competition last year when it came to earnings. Thanks to YOUR money, their CEOs are now lazing about on massive yachts drinking champagne and beating Phillipino waiters with reeds.

What am I talking about? Well, Ubisoft make games and Nintendo publish them. And then they both make money. And here are some of the games.

Women are only fit to breed, cook food or make dresses. FACT.

Started in 2007, Ubisoft's 'Imagine' series of games cater specifically to the female gamer. From their website: Imagine is the only range of videogames offering activities dedicated to girls.

Yep, that's right bitches, that's all you got.

Is it any wonder female gamers are still an untapped market? Thanks to companies like Ubisoft and Nintendo, women continue to get the rough end of the stick and are further alienated by video games. When they could be racking up Gamerscore points like the rest of us, women who are even vaguely interested in video games are put off by all the crap polluting the retail shelves. As a result, they look upon actual real video games with suspicion. Ever notice people who claim video games were the reason their child went on a bloodthirsty rampage are women? You only have yourself to blame Ubisoft/Nintendo.

Like staring into the pits of Hell.

Well, I have news for you Ubisoft/Nintendo (who from now on I shall deem UBITENDO), girls actually want more out of video games than baking cakes and cleaning nappies. Think about it, would you actually want to perform these tasks outside of real life? No, you want to blow the heads off zombies and murder gang members with glass shards don't you? Yes, so do women.

Women are competitive, fun-loving creatures who actually enjoy activities other than whatever Barbie has been doing for the past 90 years. Don't you know any women, UBITENDO? Are you not exposed to any free-thinking females other than the ones you devour for sustenance?

Artist's rendering of UBITENDO.

Yes, I know truckloads of money are mighty nice but here's the thing. If you keep producing these games, more women/mothers will be turned off and subsequently will be pushed further away and their ignorance will only increase. And who gets blamed when their little Johnny shoots himself in the face with a bolt-action rifle? VIDEO GAMES. THE THING THAT MAKES YOU MONEY.

So, if you want to keep your houses in the south of France and your Christmas trees made out of cocaine, then all you have to do is stop making these games. Pretty simple huh? Yeah, as simple as a chainsaw attached to a machine gun. (If you don't know what I'm talking about here, ask a girl).

Also: see that kid with the sunglasses trying to convey 'attitude'? Fire the fucking guy who suggested that.


  1. What I love most about your posts are that they are so balanced ;)

  2. When he says balanced he means nutso freaking crazy biased to one side...

    Not that I don't agree with some of his rants... :-)

  3. Is it just me, or does anyone else think the girl on the cover of "Imagine - Happy Cooking" is fucking hot....

    She got that look in her eyes, oh yeah, after I beat this cake, I am going to let you smear it over me and have me for dessert.....

    Maybe it is just me ;-)

  4. For fuck's sake, she's like twelve.

  5. I bet she isn't.... She looks older than that.. maybe sweet 16..... Grrroowwwhh....

    Mmmmmm Cupcakes

    An old friend once made a comment that I went repeat on here, but Ry would know it(John Viles used to say it all the time in regards to women who may be a touch young)......

  6. No...no....fifteen at least ;)

  7. I'm not sure what quote you're alluding to...

    Old enough to bleed, old enough to breed :D

    Oh..maybe I do :D

  8. Ok... Just fucking say it why don't you :-)

    I didn't want to bring this blog down THAT much ;-)