The day the joy died.

Almost two years.

That's how long it has been a part of my life. We've been through some good times and some bad. I remember the time its disc tray would never stop opening - that was strange. It and I have undergone magical quests, defended worlds, saved lives and received countless accolades. Together, my Xbox 360 and I have had the time of our lives.

Until now. Yesterday morning, I awoke to see this...

Oh yes. You better fucking believe it. I didn't, I can tell you. When I saw it, I thought "No, surely not." I switched it off immediately and closed my eyes, trying to rid the horrific image from my mind. It can't be. Not on my 360.

I switched it back on.

Oh fuck no. My mind reeled. What had happened while I had been asleep? Had something caused this? Had some heartless burglar broken in during the night and done something horrible to my machine? Nothing else was out of place so I dismissed this rather outlandish theory. I panicked. I started to delve into a denial state. Yelling "No! No! No!" I unplugged cables and pressed buttons but to no avail. It was no use. The FUCKING RED RING OF DEATH remained.

I did a little research. Three red lights means trouble. Four lights apparently means that your AV cable is just loose. Easily fixed. But three lights are from the pits of hell. There's nothing you can do. An internal hardware issue which just laughs at you with two fingers raised.

What now? Well, I have just gotten off the phone with Microsoft. I was under the impression my warranty had expired but thankfully, they've automatically extended the warranty to three years when it comes to this particular problem. The red ring. Amazingly, they were very helpful. I suppose because of this continuing problem with 360s, they just give up the ghost and say, "Yeah, we fucked up, our bad.".

So, I make the journey tomorrow to the post office with my 360 under my arm to send it off to Microsoft. They say it will take ten days from when they receive it. All free of charge. So it's not all bad news. I tell myself.

Eat shit and die you red bastard

UPDATE: Well, I just mailed it off. My poor Xbox is now at the mercy of Australia Post and Microsoft. They'll probably do nothing today sseing as it's Friday but I'll be counting the days anyway. Trying to. I'll...I'll be alright. I'll just...I don't know...play cards. Let's see, jacks are worth ten and kings are...OH SWEET LORD JUST FUCKING KILL ME NOW!

A practical guide for Christmas 2008 - Part 1

Not long now.

The closer we get to December 25, the more games seem to pile up. With an incredible amount of decent titles on the shelf, obviously it's nigh on impossible to purchase all of them at once, what with expenses like home loans, gym memberships and $8000-a-week cocaine habits eating away at our wallets. So, what's best for you? Well, everything. THEY'RE AWESOME VIDEO GAMES.

Okay then, not everything. Let's see what's good and/or bad about the amazing releases at the moment and perhaps you'll realise which ones suit you (and your children) best...

DEAD SPACE (XBOX 360, PS3)

PRICE: $89.00

Before purchasing the adventures of space engineer Isaac Clarke and the gruesome fate of the mining ship USG Ishimura, be sure to unplug your phone, turn off your lights and buy a decent pair of headphones. Played in the wee hours of the morning, Dead Space can provide you with those much needed feelings of dread and scares not properly seen since Resident Evil 2.

PROS: Remember the movie Event Horizon? Remember how it had a brilliant premise and setting and then fucked it all up with stupid Hollywood script changes and last minute editing? Well, prepare to have those needs met with Dead Space. The cold, loneliness of space comes through thick and fast. That and all the spooky whispering. When you get to actually go outside the ship, the vacuum of space causes you to be enveloped in overwhelming silence. Which is disturbing when you realise you can't hear the creatures sneaking up behind you.
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CONS: It doesn't stop. Dead Space justs goes on and on. Now, I don't mean it's too long but nowhere in the game is there any place to naturally say "Okay, that's a good place to save my progress and go mow the lawn." No, I'm afraid it will be more like "Oh shit, if I don't get to the bridge and jump on that laser cannon, those asteroids will tear this ship apart. Move!". All the while the sun is rising and you have to go to work.

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FABLE 2 (XBOX 360)

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PRICE: $79.00

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After a tragic childhood, you play a young adventurer on the path to revenge in the fantasy world of Albion. Guided by many engaging characters, you traverse a MASSIVE game world to busy yourself with quests to free slaves, buying real estate, gambling, wood chopping, sharp-shooting, spellcasting, dancing, lute-playing, killing bandits, killing townspeople, marrying women, marrying men, having children, neglecting children, being divorced, furnishing houses, collecting rent, talking to ghosts, diving off cliffs, fighting trolls and...digging up condoms. All before exacting your long-awaited revenge.

PROS: Nothing is boring in this game. Even being a bartender. I spent a unhealthy amount of time pulling pints of beer in this game. It's a fine art and the better and more consistent you are at it, the more gold you earn. After earning hundreds of gold bartending, I'd walk to the other side of the pub floor and gamble it away. I did this for weeks. That's weeks in the game mind you, not in real life.

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CONS: Your constant companion throughout the game is a dog. He'll follow you to certain death and fight alongside you and gradually he'll become like another part of you. But the trouble is, if he gets hurt in a fight and you hear him whimper, you'll instantly turn into a red tornado of rage toward whoever did the damage and suddenly you're on your feet screaming at the TV "DON'T YOU DARE HURT SERGEANT SNUGGLES, YOU MOTHERFUCKER! I'M GONNA THROW THIS INFERNO SPELL UP YOUR ARSE! CHOO CHOO! HERE COMES THE DEATH TRAIN YOU SON OF A BITCH!". Which can be disconcerting to anyone sitting in the same room.

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Disclaimer: I called my dog Basil and gave him an adorable blue collar.

FAR CRY 2 (XBOX 360, PC)
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PRICE: $89.00

In war-torn Africa, gun-running is big business. And sitting on top of a pile of money is a dude called The Jackal. It's your job to make sure he doesn't earn one more dollar from arms dealing. How? Why, by brutally slaughtering hundreds upons hundreds of rebel faction members, of course. And then shooting him.

PROS: Well, where to start. You get paid in diamonds to drive around the savannahs of Africa and engage in contract-killings of corrupt police chiefs and rival weapons traders. You befriend mercenaries who help you out when you almost die and you can upgrade your weapons until they resemble nothing but awesome. What about that could you not like?

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CONS: Let me tell a story. I had just finished blasting through a railyard filled with angry enemies who wanted me dead. After healing my wounds (in a rather gruesome bush-doctor fashion), I calmly walked back to my black Jeep SUV which I parked on the side of the road further down the hill. Happily reloading my shotgun, I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw a zebra sniffing around next to my car. At this point in the game, I hadn't been this close to any of the African wildlife, so I was amazed. He seemed to be interested in my car and didn't really notice me as I walked closer. As I was intrigued by his behaviour, suddenly - out of nowhere - the zebra headbutted my car and dropped dead. I was shocked. I ran up to his body like a child who had just lost his toy down a storm drain, emitting nonsensical jabbering such as "Huh?" and "Wha?". I couldn't understand why this poor creature had decided to end his life on the rear crumple zone of my Jeep brand Wrangler. Just as I was starting to wrap my mind around this event and work through the grieving process, a green hatchback appeared and drove towards me at top speed. I dove out of the way just in the nick of time to turn back to see the driver climb out of the car and point his gun at me. It was then that I realised he had run over the body of the poor zebra. And he didn't even care.

I won't go into too much detail about what happened next, so let me explain in pictures:

BEFORE ZEBRA INCIDENT

AFTER ZEBRA INCIDENT

Obviously, parts of Far Cry 2 can easily address some deep issues that not even my subconcious self has the balls to fucking deal with.

It's official: Zack Snyder doesn't understand what his job is.

Remember those rumours about the possible different ending to the film version of Watchmen? In a recent interview, director Zack Snyder has laid those rumours to rest. In a bad way...

First he tried to avoid the subject:

“The fans, god love 'em, they're all up in arms about the squid. What they should be up in arms about are things like shooting the pregnant woman, 'God is real and he's American', whether THAT's in the movie. That's my point of view, maybe I'm crazy."

But then he flat out confessed:

“The squid was not in the movie when I got the script, the squid was never in any draft that I saw. My point is only that there was this elegant solution to the squid problem that I kind of embraced. I'm a fan of the thing as much as anyone, I was saying what are we going to do about this before I even read the script.”

And when asked about the ending that has been put in place:

“I won't say exactly but... Dr. Manhattan has a certain energy signature, it's clearly his thing...so you know.”

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You can find the full interview at Dark Horizons here: http://www.darkhorizons.com/news08/081107k.php

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Let's examine what exactly has happened here...

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- A director claims he is a fan of a source material enough to make a film from it.

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- He goes to extraordinary lengths to be be faithful to every aspect of the source material. Everything from set design, location, characters and dialogue.

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- But changes the ending which is the whole point of the story.

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- Then confesses to changing the ending in an arrogant and cowardly fashion. Stating the fans should care about other things, like incidental dialogue. And then he states it was the screenwriter's fault, trying to absolve himself of blame.

Hey Watchmen fans! Yeah, that's right, I'm telling you what you should care about in Watchmen!

This goes beyond a simply bad version of Watchmen. It changes the entire reason for telling the story in the first place. Here, I'll explain again:

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In the original comic of Watchmen, a retired superhero named Adrian Veidt realises the world is on the brink of destruction due to the nuclear arms race in an alternate 1985. The US and Russia are days away from launching massive amounts of warheads at each other and this superhero (who is known as the smartest man in the world) decides that the only course of action to stop this from happening is to give the human race a wake-up call - in the form of an alien invasion. Veidt has millions of dollars at his disposal so he hires a huge group of scientists, artists and researchers to create a colossal creature the likes of which the world has never seen. It is not an alien, but a scientific creation. But it is so huge and so bizarre, when it suddenly materialises in the centre of New York (dying from the instantaneous transport conducted by Veidt) and sends out a shockwave that kills millions of people, the entire world is so shocked by its presence that immediate ceasefires are called around the globe so the human race can band together as one and deal with this new threat. Other superheroes discover this plot (two of them are killed when they object) and are forced to keep quiet so that the world doesn't discover the truth and tear itself apart through fear and hatred. The death of a few million people is worth it if the entire world can re-build itself into a possibly peaceful utopia.

Got that? Right. Well, the 'alien' has become known as 'the squid' in fan circles. And in Snyder's version, it will be completely removed in favour of using the only superhero in the story that has powers (Dr Manhattan) as a plot device. From what has been said about this new ending, Dr Manhattan is tricked and/or coerced by Adrian Veidt into using his powers to detonate nuclear explosions all over the world in an attempt to stop the human race from fighting with each other.

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Dr Manhattan, at this point in the comic, is hated and feared by the entire world because he had been falsely accused by the media of spreading cancer because of his powers. A claim fed to the media by Adrian Veidt so that Dr Manhattan would be forced to flee Earth in fear of persecution so as not to interfere with Veidt's plans with the 'squid'.

With me so far? Yeah, probably not huh? What confused you? Let me guess. Was it the baffling change to the story which would not only make no sense but basically negate the entire story of Watchmen? Yeah, that was it.

Hey Watchmen fans! Alan Moore was right!

From what can be assumed, the squid was deemed too 'weird' for movie-going audiences and was dropped in favour of nuclear explosions. Explosions still kill millions of people right? What's the problem? The problem is that Zack Snyder doesn't understand the source material he claims to be such a fan of. The death of millions isn't the point. What causes it is. If a superhero that the entire world hates and fears kills millions of people, why would that stop war? It would galvanise the entire globe's population into picking up more guns and hunting down all superheroes and their families. And anyone else who gets in the way. Fear and hatred would increase ten-fold.

But if millions of people are killed by the sudden appearance of a alien species, it's natural to believe that the human race would stop shooting at each other to fight this new threat. And since the alien is fake, the human race wouldn't actually end up fighting anything but the amazement and general feeling of we're-so-small-in-the-universe-let's-stop-fighting would remain.

Phew.

In the end, it's extremely disappointing. On one hand you could say the film doesn't matter. You've always got the comic (which is awesome) so just ignore the film and don't go see it. That's a good point (and it is what I'll end up doing) but it's not that simple. If Zack Snyder wasn't so adamant about making Watchmen extremely shot-for-shot and word-for-word faithful (and the trailers for the film are evidence of this) then fans of the comic wouldn't be asking...WHY? Why change the ending if everything else in the movie is exactly like the comic?

If the movie version of Lord Of The Rings had Frodo kill himself at the end, why make it?

If the movie version of 1984 had Winston Smith escape at the end, why make it?

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If the movie version of Watchmen has no alien at the end, WHY MAKE IT?

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Hey Watchmen fans! Fuck you!

4 awesome upcoming games that nobody seems to know about.

If you even have the slightest interest in video games, you'll no doubt be aware of the barrage of high profile releases at the moment (Gears of War 2, Fallout 3, Little Big Planet) and in the near future (Streetfighter IV, Prince of Persia). And if you're like me, your attitude is something like "Okay, I'll slog through Gears and then the 100+ hours of Fallout and then start building my Little Big Planet levels...".

All great but predictable.

Here now are some hidden gems to be released soon (ish). To which your reaction will probably be more along the lines of "HOLY JESUS HERE TAKE MY FIRST BORN SON AND GIMME THEM SHITS RIGHT NOW!"

1) HEAVY RAIN (PS3)

Introducing the first video game character that somehow doesn't have the dead lifeless eyes of a mannequin.

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Split up between four different characters, French studio Quantic Dream's PS3 exclusive seems to shaping up to be incredible. Aside from the face-melting visuals, Heavy Rain looks to be a breath of fresh air in the current slew of go-here-shoot-this-dude games. It's a mystery. And a thriller. And an investigative story. And disturbing as fuck.

From what has been released so far, one of the characters is Madison (pictured above) who takes time out from riding her motorbike on wet streets (made wet by HEAVY RAIN, yeah) to investigate a two storey house with nothing but a camera and her wits. She finds some pretty disturbing shit on the upstairs floor. Then things start to go pear-shaped when the owner of house returns home...

You can just tell this dude is one sick bastard.

Still not sure? Fine, well take a look at this 20 minute tech demo from this year's E3 and then come talk to me. http://www.gametrailers.com/player/usermovies/284828.html

Release date: Early 2009

2. BATMAN: ARKHAM ASYLUM (Xbox 360, PS3, PC)

I made a vow on the grave of my parents blah, blah, blah...

Colour me cautiously excited about this one. All previous Batman games have been rubbish with the possible exception of Batman: Vengeance. That said, Vengeance was based on the animated series. I've been waiting for a darker, more mature Batman adventure and it looks like my wait may be over. Batman: Arkham Asylum (not based on the Grant Morrison comic) is a third-person action adventure title that (so far) features a shitload of CSI-style investigation, combat and potentially awesome moments.

As far as the story is concerned, the Joker starts some shit at the Gotham City nuthouse that somehow snowballs into a full-scale riot. And you (as Batman, yes you) have to come in and save the day. Did I mention that Arkham happens to be at full capacity when the Joker pulls this shit? Filled with people like Scarecrow, Mr Zsasz and Mr Freeze? And did I also mention you get to play as fucking Batman?

When there's a game where the Joker looks like this...

...and Killer Croc looks like this...

...then yes, sign me the fuck up.

Release date: Sometime in 2009

3) ALIENS: COLONIAL MARINES (Xbox 360, PS3, PC)

Look at that! In the bottom left corner! Yeah that thing! There's no heads-up display, just that! THE FUCKING THING FROM THE MOVIE!

While there has been semi-successful games based on the Alien franchise, there's always been something extra thrown in (Predators etc) to appeal to a different fanbase. On the other hand, there has also been massive missteps in this area. The first game I ever bought for the Sega Megadrive was Alien3 and it had one slight difference from the film: GUNS!

Nobody has perfectly captured the dread/balls-out action of James Cameron's 1986 masterpiece. Aliens: Colonial Marines has been on the cards since 2001 so heavy delays have dulled the excitement somewhat. Until this year, when some fresh shots of it were released.

They seem to now be in some real pretty shit...man.

In the game, you lead a four-man squad (each of which you can control) to investigate the USS Sulaco. The game is set after Alien 3 so Ripley's automated shuttle has long since departed from the mothership. But the Aliens haven't. Word on the street is there will be facehuggers, drones, warriors and the Queen. I guess that's a different Queen from the one that ripped Bishop in half.

Specific desires for this game:

- Hudson is alive and voiced by Bill Paxton.

- A conversation option where you can tell Hudson that you're 'sick of his bullshit'.

- Hidden unlockable weapons from Hudson's list (sharp sticks, sonic electronic ballbreakers etc).

Release date: Again, sometime in 2009.

4) ALAN WAKE (Xbox 360, PC)

A gun. A torch. A tweed jacket. What more do you want?

In another tale of massive delays, the developers responsible for the Max Payne series have whetted the appetite of horror fans with a guy named...Alan. A horror writer whose fiance has disappeared, Alan Wake begins to suffer from insomnia and travels to Bright Falls, Washington for treatment at a local clinic. Only then can he sleep. Trouble is, all he sees are nightmares. Nightmares that are starting to seep into reality (INSERT VIOLIN-BASED SPOOKY MUSIC).

"Well, there's your problem pal. You're trying to drive this car while enduring an horrific living nightmare."

Alan Wake was starting to lose its focus because of its constantly-pushed-back release date cluminating in an infamous quote from a developer stating it will be released "when it's done". People were starting to lose hope in ever seeing this potentially brilliant game ever see the light of day. Then the developers released an awesome trailer. You can find it on their equally awesome brand new website: http://www.alanwake.com/

Fuck yes.

Release date: Sometime in our lifetime (maybe 2009).

DISCLAIMER: If any of these games turn out to be garbage, I hereby invoke my hypocritical power to slag them off at any opportunity in the future.

A sigh, descending.

Here's a simple yet deceptive question: Is it actually possible to make a video game movie that isn't complete and utter fucking garbage?

Just think about that for a minute. Because I have been. For more than a few minutes. Of all the movies based on video games, go ahead and try to name ONE that was good. Go on, try. I'll wait.

No, no. Not just alright. I don't want to hear that whatever film you're thinking about had some 'cool bits' in it. That's not enough. I want you to come up with a film based on a video game that you believe to be completely solid in quality. Having a little trouble aren't you? I understand. I understand because I've been thinking the same thing. They don't exist. Now, I am fully aware we can't expect Oscar Wilde levels of drama here but there ARE stories in the video game world that would certainly make for interesting and perhaps, fucking awesome movies. But this potential gets lost along the away. Somewhere between Hollywood executives buying the rights to a game and the aborted piece of shit being released in cinemas.

What brought this on, you ask? Silent Hill, I answer. I finally watched the movie the other day and even though it showed promise to begin with, by the second half it became a total chore to watch. It seems the producers thought it a great idea to make a movie from most of the content of Silent Hill 2: the game. But the trouble is, the game and the movie elicit two very different responses.

OhmygodwhatthefuckisthatnoiseohshitohshitI'mfucked

Okay, so there's religious zealots and a girl who ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Well, I got to thinking. Every single video game snapped up by Hollywood turns out to be a big pile of shit. Every. Single. One. Isn't that amazing? What other source material has been treated this badly? Every comic books are being turned into great films nowadays so WHAT THE FUCK IS THE PROBLEM?

First of all, people who make movies don't know shit about games. They continue to try and make movies from games that don't suit the medium. Ones that shouldn't ever be films. Super Mario Bros, Streetfighter II, Doom. If you've even glanced at these games, chances are you didn't think they would make worthwhile films. Congratulations, you are a rational human being. But people with the power to make movies are different from you. They're the kind of people to see this...

...and think "NOW THAT WOULD MAKE A FUCKING BRILLIANT MOVIE!" (Yes, it's The Sims and yes, they're making a Sims movie. I can't wait to see the main actor eat, take a shower and then go to the toilet).

Second of all, decent storylines in games do exist and Hollywood recognises that. But after purchasing the rights to an impressive game, they can't help but tweak it enough to completely fuck it up. Here's a quick example.

RESIDENT EVIL (the game): As part of a special forces team, Chris Redfield & Jill Valentine discover a colossal mansion out in the woods filled with zombies. After a lot of pant-filling scares and horrible monsters, you soon realise the leader of your team is part of a corporation-based plot to weaponise a virus to turn everyone into the mindless walking dead.

RESIDENT EVIL (the movie): Waking up nude in a bath, a woman named Alice discovers she has amnesia. A cop and a bunch of commandos join her in infiltrating an underground research facility run by an evil computer. And it's filled with zombies. She gets her memory back and it's revealed she is a) married to the cop and b) an unstoppable killing machine.

Okay, so the game isn't groundbreaking in the story department. But it would make a pretty decent horror movie if it was done right. The movie, however, can't help but the present the argument 'Why call it Resident Evil?'. If you desire to make a film about an amnesiac female hero and rogue computers and zombies, then go do it. The game didn't invent the concept of motherfucking zombies so there's no reason to remain loyal to it's name.

Which brings me back to Silent Hill. The game series has had its ups and down in terms of story, but there was a few nuggets of absolute gold in there. So if you were enticed enough to make a movie out of it, what's the point in changing it? It's like making a Lord Of The Rings movie with robots, space monsters and Martin Lawrence and just throwing in a few Hobbits to please the fans.

I'd like to take this opportunity to formally apologise for Silent Hill. I wasn't responsible for the film but as an avid fan of the games I feel a pang of regret.

I'm sorry, Pyramid Head. You are one of the most original, frightening and engaging characters ever to come out of a video game and while your brief appearances in the film are definitely the highlight, everything else around you sucks ass.

I'm apologising to a fictional video game character. This is what I've been reduced to. Fuck you Hollywood.