The Preparations For Birth Xmas Wish List.

Well, the annual holiday of gift-giving and more importantly, gift-receiving is almost upon us. It apparently has something to do with an ancient wizard named Jesus or something. I'm not really sure, it wasn't covered in Season 4 of The Shield so it's pretty much out of my daily concern.

I'm not a greedy person by any stretch of the imagination. Generally, I like Christmas and the vibe it gives off. But you know, this is a blog so I have to write about something. Here now is a quick list to make my personal holiday season a little more cheery. If anyone out there can make any of the following items happen, then that would pretty damn sweet of you.

1. FOR EB GAMES TO GO BANKRUPT SO FRIGHTENINGLY QUICKLY THAT THE CEO IS FORCED TO HANG HIMSELF IN FRONT OF HIS KIDS.

2008 saw a few major entertainment retailers drop their prices dramatically when it comes to games. JB HiFi for example, served me well this year by lowering their prices and convincing me to quite happily give them loads of cash. This year I purchased Dead Space, Far Cry 2, Fable 2, Fallout 3 and Call Of Duty 4 among others. Why so many? Because they were $89, $79, $79, $99 and in COD4's case - $59. A few other department stores have started to follow suit this year (K Mart, Big W) but one chain remains steadfast in their arrogance - EB Games.

"Daddy, what's the rope for?" "Vengeance, Jimmy. It's here for vengeance."

Take Call of Duty 4 for instance. It was released in 2007 so in a few weeks time, it will offically be two years old. A few months ago I decided to finally buy it and in my effort to save a few bucks, I went with a pre-owned. Well, almost. After a phonecall to EB Games, a clerk told me the price was either $109.95 (new) or $104.95 (pre-owned). Just think about that for a minute.

Yeah.

Doesn't reeeeeally make a whole lot of sense now, does it? Anyway, as you can imagine I told the clerk to 'go fuck yourself for being such an evil bastard, enjoy the sixth circle of Hell because that's obviously where you belong' or something similiar, then I hung up the phone and took a trip to JB HiFi. Where it was $59.00 brand new. JB YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN (copyright dude from JB ad). As if that wasn't enough topping on the foul-tasting Auschwitz-themed pizza served up from EB Games, 2009 sees them continuing in their satanistic qualities by overpricing Streetfighter 4 and Resident Evil 5. Both are already listed as $109.95.

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2. SOUTH AUSTRALIAN ATTORNEY GENERAL MICHAEL ATKINSON QUIETLY REMOVED FROM OFFICE AND FORCED TO WATCH A MASSIVE PERPETUAL LAN PARTY FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY.

Censorship reared its ugly head again in 2008 but this year, it had a face. No longer were we shouting at faceless governmental departments. Now, we had an actual real person to shout at. Michael Atkinson is the owner of said face and his face had the most stubbornly outdated viewpoint in recent memory. Denying the entire country of Australia an R18+ rating for video games, Atkinson has entered the echelons of bafflingly self-centered political figures that he now joins the ranks of Zimbabwe's Robert Mugabe (if...you know...video games censorship was the same as mass genocide and nationwide starvation...look, it's a good analogy and I'll stand by it). This poster-boy for the phrase 'old fuddy-duddy' is long overdue for a simple forced removal from office (with tasers or something, I'm not fussy) so the country can move forward with the REST OF PLANET EARTH AND THE 21ST CENTURY.

Like so.

Then, after proper censorship ratings are put in place, what to do with him? Prove him right of course! Fed by an IV drip, Atkinson is strapped to a vertical hospital bed suspended by the ceiling and forced to look down upon...this.

Before he can say "Sweet Lord take me now.", Atkinson is enveloped by confusing and angry language such as 'Suck it, you noob bitch!', 'I AM L337! LOL FUCKTARDS!' and 'That headshot was bullshit! I'm gonna kill everyone at my school come Monday!' to slowly be driven insane over a period of years by the knowledge he is powerless to stop such idiocy.

3. MINDLESS MONEY-HUNGRY CELEBRITIES SERVED RESTRAINING ORDER PREVENTING THEM FROM COMING WITHIN 500 YARDS OF VIDEO GAMES EVER AGAIN.

Look at the picture up there, I'll wait. Yes, that's Nicole Kidman and yes that's a Nintendo DS. I'm not sure exactly where Ms Kidman is located but the lighting and soft focus suggests it's somewhere in Heaven. And please note the way she is holding the DS. Hmm, that's interesting isn't it? It's almost like a book. Wow! Video Games are books now?

Well, actually no they're not. Here look at this picture:

That's a photo of three people each playing a DS of their own. In what appears to be a bus station. Not so glamourous now, is it? Yeah well, you know what the difference is? I believe it. Look how engrossed that dude in the middle is by his DS game. THAT'S how it should be. Like the whole fucking world is suddenly irrelevant because what you hold in your hand IS FUCKING AWESOME.

Take another look at that Kidman photo. Now, do you actually believe she is looking at anything whatsoever? Or do you rather think she is looking at a blank screen contemplating what she's going spend her stupidly massive paycheck on? Thanks Nintendo! I didn't own quite enough houses!

Other culprits include:

"Hey doodz! I'm an overexposed belligerent unfunny asshole and I'm here to appear like I'm down with the youngsters! Are you sick of me yelling yet? I sure hope not! AWESOME!"

"Greetings Zac Efron, I'm Master Chief. I can think of approximately 1,198 reasons to fire a headshot into that perfect sun-kissed fringe of yours."

Steven Spielberg produced a Nintendo Wii game this year entitled Boom Blox. Here he is playing it with Shigeru Miyamoto. After this picture was taken, nobody purchased or played Boom Blox ever again. Seriously, like nobody.

4. SEASON 5 OF THE SHIELD

For obvious reasons.

Wadsworth & Me: We Got A Special Kind Of Something

It's about 8:30 in the morning and my left leg has been crippled. Perhaps from a bullet or two, maybe an exploding nearby car - I'm not really sure. The sun is slowly cementing itself in the morning sky, rising over the scrap metal town of Megaton. The town where I live. I'm outside my house and hurting bad. My humble abode is a two-storey metal box that no doubt gets as hot as hell in the midday sun but since I can't feel temperatures, that's only a guess. I've spent all night out in the Capital Wasteland. A stark, barren landscape of burnt trees, crumbling bridges and ravenous beasts.

After killing a few Raiders (nomadic scum who live solely to steal and murder) in the ruins of a building, I've collected enough bottle caps from lockers and cupboards to make my financial situation a little less dire and hopefully I can repair one or two of my weapons. The hunting rifle especially needs work. Bottle caps serve as money around here since cash-money no longer serves any purpose.I unlock my front door and step inside the front room and there he is. Loyal, patient as always. Wadsworth.

"Sir? I do believe you are injured! Might I suggest you seek medical attention immediately?" he exclaims in a mildly troubled voice. Wadsworth is my robot butler. He came with the house. Lucas Simms, the sheriff of Megaton, handed me the keys to the house after I kindly defused the unexploded atomic bomb that sat in the middle of town. I found Wadsworth waiting for me when I first inspected the place. He levitates around my house thanks to some small propulsion jets installed in his undercarriage. His large orange eye greets me as I stumble in and I take his advice. I do indeed need medical attention. I thank Wadsworth and limp up the stairs to my bedroom. A small single-size bed is all I can afford and the mattress looks filthy but its home.

I sleep. For eight hours.

Magically, my left leg has healed while I slept. That's just the perks of being able to slowly regain health I suppose. I climb out of bed, eager to spend my bottle caps but then I realise the time. It's 6:30pm. Moira's shop will probably be closed. I decide to walk downstairs and prepare to check anyway. Wadsworth is busying himself in the main room.

He turns and floats over to me.

"Good evening sir! What can I do for you?"

I greet him with as much exuberance as he does me. The house, while mine, is frankly a dump. There's furniture available to spruce it up, but at the moment, all those items are out of my price range. So, that in mind, Wadsworth is the only ray of light in this place. I fear I may hang myself in my bathroom if it weren't for his constant companionship. I ask him to tell me a joke. He is only too happy to oblige as he has many.

"Certainly sir! One electron was talking to another and said 'I've lost something' and the other said 'Are you sure?'. To which the first electron replied 'I'm positive!'" I laugh out loud. The joke is actually funny. The punchline heightened by Wadsworth's upper-class accent.

Wadsworth has given me haircuts in the past. He also has a seemingly endless supply of bottles of Purified Water. A commodity which is extremely valuable around here since all the water out of the tap is contaminated by radiation. You can drink it, but too much gives you radiation sickness.

I check my storage locker as Wadsworth floats upstairs. I grab a bunch of things I can sell at Moira's shop. Motorcycle brakes, vacuum cleaner parts and even a few bullets from a 10mm pistol I no longer use. When I'm ready to go, I move towards the door. Somehow, even from upstairs, Wadsworth senses my imminent departure.

"Be sure to take care of yourself sir!" he says.

I will, Wadsworth. I plan to laugh at plenty more of your jokes before anything happens to me. I exit my house and night has fallen. The sporadic light bulbs scattered around the town of Megaton light my way towards the shop. Hopefully, Moira hasn't closed for the day. That way, I can get my hunting rifle fixed and continue to survive out there in the wasteland. I wouldn't want to disappoint Wadsworth.

4 MORE awesome upcoming games nobody seems to know about.

Continuing this series of posts, it's fascinating to note just how many potentially brilliant games are currently on the boil.

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If you missed the first lot, check here: http://preparations4birth.blogspot.com/2008/11/4-awesome-upcoming-games-youve-never.html

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As I stated before, I'm not positive about these games, just that they have the promise to be incredible. But they might be rubbish when released. So don't give me any shit. Read on...

THE WITCHER: RISE OF THE WHITE WOLF (XBOX 360, PS3)

Sunlight effects + water ripple effects = awesome

Last year's critically acclaimed RPG The Witcher is now coming to consoles. You play as Geralt, a travelling sword-for-hire. Morality comes into play heavily with this one, but more in the interesting grey area of choices rather than the predictable black and white consequences that has been seen in so many other games recently.

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Yes, it is a port of a PC game and the hardcore PC crowd is already shouting 'dumbing down!' but since the developers are making this with an entirely different engine and combat system, it could be one to watch.

Have at you, PC gamer fucks!

Released: Fall (whenever the hell that is) 2009

DARK VOID (XBOX 360, PS3, PC)

Pictured: The Bermuda Triangle (presumably)

A combat pilot named Will disappears into the Bermuda Triangle and reappears in a parallel universe. And then kicks that universe's arse with big fucking guns. This game is shaping up to be amazing. It's a mixture of on-foot and mid-air combat, with vertical cover implemented as you climb on massive structures to find your way back home.

That's right, shooting at a UFO with a goddamn pistol

Apparently, you can go all Rocketeer in this one with hoverpacks and jetpacks and even at some point hijack a UFO. Sounds good to me. From all reports it sounds like it's a mix between Crimson Skies and Metroid Prime and Gears of War. FUCK YES. And did I mention it's being developed by CAPCOM?

Here check these eight minutes of it - http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=voBMevkkDuo

Around the five and a half minute mark, things start to get truly awesome.

Released: May 2009

NINJA BLADE (Xbox 360)

With possibly the most generic name in years, Ninja Blade looks promising. Set in modern day Tokyo, teams of ninjas (!) jump from helicopters (!) to defend the city from colossal mutants (!) that threaten to destroy every living thing in existence. DO YOU NEED ANY MORE CONVINCING?

If you think that this game...

...is anything but than the best thing ever...

...you sir, have a shard of ice where you heart should be.

L.A. NOIRE (PS3, maybe XBOX 360 & PC)

"So, we got a stiff huh? Well, where's the nearest coloured guy, he musta done it, see? Case closed."

Itching for a bit of 1940s detective action? Course you are. Well, so has everyone else since 2007. This game has suffered long delays but the developer has said recently that L.A. Noire is in its 'final phase'. Whatever that means.

Check this official trailer: http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=8fdXJlxd7kw

Described as a murder mystery action-puzzle game, it's set in a perfect recreation of 1940s Los Angeles. Frankly, it's been a long while since there's been a good detective/mystery game and this one could fill the gap. Developed by Rockstar (yes, that Rockstar), I've got my hopes up for this potentially great game.

Hopefully, Hartfields is filled with smoky jazz trios, sultry dames and plenty of whiskey.

Released: Well, they say 'fiscal 2009', so that could mean anything. Also, it was announced as PS3-only but now even that decision has become fuzzy at best.

We're through the looking glass here, people.

Those close observers of this blog will no doubt remember my five-part journey of discovery when I was forced to order a copy of Grand Theft Auto 4 from overseas because of the Australian version being edited. We all remember that right? Well, that version was for consoles. Now read this...

This week will see the Australian launch of Grand Theft Auto IV for PC, and in a statement, Rockstar today confirmed to GameSpot AU that unlike the console versions currently on sale, the Australian PC retail release of GTAIV will be sold completely uncensored.

"Grand Theft Auto IV PC has been rated MA15+ strong violence, sex scenes, coarse language, and drug references by the Australian Classification Office. The PC game is unedited in any way and identical in content to the international version," a local Rockstar rep said.

The rules governing the Australian classification system means that once a multiplatform title has been approved fit for sale by the board, publishers are then able to sell the approved version on all subsequent developed platforms. A local Rockstar Games representative was unavailable for comment at time of print as to whether future Xbox 360 or PlayStation 3 shipments of the game sold in Australia would feature the uncut content found in the PC version.

The news comes less than a week after Warner Bros. Interactive title F.E.A.R. 2 was refused classification for failing to meet the maximum MA15+ guideline for video games. Being awarded the RC rating effectively bans the title from sale in Australia and marks the fifth title deemed unfit during 2008.

Just give yourself a second to take that in.

Got it? Not quite huh? Let me explain.

The Australian Office of Film and Literature Classification (OFLC) refused to classify the video game Grand Theft Auto IV earlier this year and as a result of this decision (and the lack of an R18 rating for games), the developers were forced to re-edit certain parts of the game to make it eligible for sale in Australia. It went on sale at the end of April on Xbox 360 and Playstation 3 and the Australian gaming community was outraged. So much so, import copies were bought in record numbers (including mine) as people refused to bow to government-imposed censorship.

Now, the PC version is to be released. Completely uncensored. That's right, the OFLC suddenly have no problem whatsoever with the content of the game. For a governmental body, that's mindblowingly inconsistent. (Click on the post title for their official classificaton document)

Amazingly, this isn't new. They have previous form in this regard, right here: http://preparations4birth.blogspot.com/2008/04/my-quest-for-cheap-uncut-violence-part_22.html

Does this make any sense? A game that was deemed to obscene/violent for adults in April suddenly is completely fine in December. What about the five games that were completely refused classification this year? Will they be fine in a few months and be re-released without any edits? WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING HERE?

PC GAMERS

CONSOLE GAMERS

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THE OFLC