A young gamer's life guide: Part 1.

In my opinion, you can't introduce your child to video games early enough. As soon as that umbilical cord is cut, a game controller should be placed in your child's tiny hands. However, it needs to be done correctly. You think you can just throw them in at the deep end with drek like Ultimate Duck Hunting? Think fucking again.

I wrote a small thing about this topic a little while back, but I've now realised it needed to be much more in-depth. With the following guide and your dedication, your child will be a conqueror of artificial worlds in no time.

The First Game (ages 0-3)

Super Mario Bros. (1985)

The beginning of awesomeness.

There's no better place to start. Face it, it's perfect. For a child who can barely look at their hand for more than two seconds, an Italian plumber will hold their attention like a motherfucker. At an early age, kids love pretty colours. Put that together with quick movement and funny sounds, they will adore it from start to finish. Also, it's an awesome game.

Fat, short-arse plumber Mario Mario (yes that's his full name) embarks on an adventure in a insane world called the Mushroom Kingdom (usually ruled by huge bastard dinosaur Bowser) to overcome all obstacles and rescue the love of his life from a castle (usually occupied by useless waif Princess Peach). Along the way, he has to deal with speeding turtle shells (Koopas), killer brown blobs with legs (Goombas) and amongst other things, about a million platforms to jump off and die from.

Bring it, you Koopa fuck.

The controls are great, the jumping puzzles are frustratingly brilliant and the characters are intoxicating. Mario is a bizarre hero. He's not a square-jawed fighter pilot or a dashing secret agent. He's a plumber with a moustache. That's some genius shit right there. Him and his brother Luigi Mario (in 2-player mode) are unexpected gods in this game. The kids will love them like surrogate parents and want to spend an unhealthily massive amount of time in their world. That's not a bad thing - the game's just that good. Yes, it's primitive by today's standards but guess what? That don't amount to much. Here, an example:

A shitty-looking brilliant game.

A brilliant-looking shitty game.

Besides, the child doesn't care about graphics or sunlight rendering. They will look at those crude bunch of sprites and think it's the bomb. It doesn't necessarily have to be Super Mario Bros though. There has been so many similar games in this series any of them should do - Super Mario Bros 1, 2 or 3, Super Mario Land 1 and 2 or Super Mario World. They are all essentially the same kick-arse game.

Where to get it: Get yourself a Nintendo Wii. With it's online game shop - Virtual Console, you can get all the necessary Mario goodness on the cheap. If you want to go with a handheld system, a Nintendo DS or Game Boy Advance. On Nintendo DS, there's an updated version called New Super Mario Bros. Which fucking rules.

Casual gamers: Your final boss.

I'm sure you've seen them.

They come in all shapes and sizes. All ages. They could be your niece, your cousin or your grandfather. They are The Casual Gamer. As a result of the massive success of the Nintendo Wii & DS, video games have suddenly become extremely accessible. Which should mean good things to come. It should mean that video games are embraced by the public, welcomed into mainstream popularity with a colossal fanfare and out of the doldrums of controversy forever.

Well, guess what? Take those not unreasonable dreams and flush them down the fucking toilet. And then blow the fucking toilet up with explosives. Because these people will possibly bring about the death of decent video games.

Total pricks.

With Grandma & Grandpa now wishing for a Wii-mote in their Christmas stocking instead of slippers, game developers are obviously going to realise which side of their bread is buttered on. And that butter consists of a shitload of money.

Instead of games made with care, storylines, decent gameplay & longevity, the trend today is towards the instant gratification. Wii Sports, Brain Age, Cooking Mama, Carnival Games and a whole slew of others are starting to spread out in the gaming community like a virus. A virus that bores the shit out people who have any imagination whatsoever.

Worse than Ebola.

We're in trouble folks. Classic games like Zelda, Resident Evil, Mass Effect and Final Fantasy will become a thing of the past. A relic of an ancient era, something for your kids to point at and ask 'Mummy, what's a Solid Snake?'.

Games like Wii Bowling are fine. If you're drunk at a party. Other than that, you should be looking for more than just a disposable five-minute experience. More than just a 'Wow, the guy's arm kind of moves at the same time as my arm' type feeling. I'm not saying every game has to be a 100 hour role-playing game that takes 25 minutes for you to travel by horse from town to town. But we don't want everything designed for toddlers and pensioners either. Keep your eyes peeled and watch out for these people. They will be your downfall.

Fuck off.

How to become a massive hypocrite.

Well, I changed my mind. I do want to rant on this blog now.

There's just too much pressure in today's hectic world to stick to my current guidelines of 'wacky-yet-horrifying guides' I originally wanted here. So fuck it.

LET'S GO FOR QUANTITY OVER QUALITY WITH THIS BITCH.

Stay tuned...I mean it, actually stay tuned. For real this time.

Here's an amusing picture of Macho Man Randy Savage to tide you over:

How to turn your child into an insane kill-bot.

We all have our dreams. Some people wish for fame and fortune, others simply dream of a simple, stress-free existence on desert islands. Myself, I've always toyed with the idea of constructing an enormous cave underneath my house where I can focus my crime-fighting on evil villians who...*sigh*. All that is well and good, but slightly boring. When it comes to your children, you might want them to do well in school, behave in church and generally have a successful, happy life. Right?

Wrong. Fucking way wrong.

Don't be a square, parents. You need to add a bit of risk into your life. If you want to shake up your stagnant days and inject of bit of spice into your daily life, read on...

As a parent, you've got one main competitor when it comes to your child's attention - the media. Do you want to divert their attention and teach them literature, morals and ethics? Buy a ticket to Snoretown while you're at it. The media makes things much more exciting than you, so just give up now and take a page out of their book.

Here now are some simple steps on how to change your boring, well-to-do bundle of joy into a kick-arse, hardcore excitement machine. Using the media as our tour guide...

- Judas Priest - Stained Glass

With speed metal band Judas Priest on your kid's side, it's always a party in your house. Wait around for a upcoming birthday party and invite all your child's pals around for a session from the classic UK group. Lead singer Rob Halford put the words DO IT subliminally into their 1978 record. Did you get that? Yes, it was...DO IT. Do what? Put a hat on? Take out the bins? Shit your pants?

No, you fool! Does the word 'shotgun' mean anything to you? Well, it will when you put one in front of all these kids for a spin-the-bottle type party. Then sit back and watch the fireworks. Well that, and the horribly disfigured Joseph Merrick-type kids that will be exiting your house at the end of the afternoon.

Above: Your child's mate (with Anthony Hopkins)

RESULT: YOUR CHILD BECOMES A MURDERER.

- Marilyn Manson - Any album

Now we're talking. Look how fucking weird he is. He's wearing fingernail polish!

Have your kid wait outside their room while you cover all their windows in black garbage bags and put Mr Manson's albums on repeat. Then shove them in there, lock the door from the ouside and go make some popcorn. Go watch TV, maybe take in an episode of Two And A Half Men. Ignore any pleas of 'Hey Dad, I'm bored in here!' you may hear from your child, it's just a warming up period. Regardless of how many Abercrombie & Fitch garments your child was wearing, those bland shits will be transformed into something black, tight & chainy.

That's right, parents! It doesn't take much, just a few rotations of a collection of strung-together noises and you child will be way more interesting to talk to at parties. Evil Satan-worshipping parties.

RESULT: YOUR CHILD BECOMES AN ANTI-SOCIAL HOMOSEXUAL WITH SUICIDAL TENDENCIES.

- First person shooter video games

Bored with your child's lack of rifle-handling skills? You bet you are. It's embarrassing to take your kid to the local shooting range only to have Jeff from next door laugh in your face as your little one scores more groin-shots than head-shots. So let's put a stop to that shit. Plonk them down in front of a few of these bad boys and before you know it, they'll be able to shoot the wings off a butterfly.

Yeah, you'll show that Jeff prick. Who the hell does he think he is? With his boring straight-A kids and huge house and two cars. Check this out, Jeff. My kid can quick-reload an AK-47 in 1.3 seconds! Yeah, that's what you'll say. Because he better watch out, now that your kid has discovered that little thing called bloodlust.

Above: Your child's bedroom wall. Fuck yes.

RESULT: YOUR CHILD BECOMES A KILL-CRAZY GUN NUT WITH REAL-LIFE EXPERT WEAPON TRAINING SECOND ONLY TO ELITE NAVY SEALS.

With these simple steps, your child will instantly become more fun to be around. Like so:

You child before:

Your child after:

IN A WORD, AWESOME. GET READY FOR EXCITEMENT, PARENTS! DON'T THANK ME, THANK THE MEDIA!