Saw: The Video Game...uh-huh.

Even though there are several pieces of evidence to the contrary, game developers and movie studios still believe they are welcome bedfellows. Despite 99.9 percent of their collaborations being unwatchable train wrecks, they continue to churn out video games based on movies year after year. Be it Shrek, High School Musical or any number of Vin Diesel turds, it is glaringly apparent video games based on movies are a BAD idea. The Warriors, of course, being the only exception.

 Eat brick, motherfucker.

Despite this below average track record, they'll never stop removing the soul of a video game and replacing with whatever-the-kids-are-into-that-year. This theory explains why they thought casting Jean-Claude Van Damme in a movie based a game about two dudes punching each other was box-office gold.

So the latest attempt at this cash-cow is...the Saw movies. Oh dear me. First of all, you may be thinking that a game based on the Saw franchise could be alright. Well, let me in on a little secret. No it won't. It will be crap. It will (if it actually is released) be boring, stupid and pointless. Exactly how many times would you play it? ONCE AND ONCE ONLY. Why? Because once you figure out the traps, the game is then rendered useless. Regardless of all that, the game itself will be a poorly designed collection of mini-games. 

Basically this, but with syringe pits.

The developers have already shown demo gameplay around, featuring 'press-this-button-now-to-escape-the-trap' style sections of the game. If that is the majority of the game, then I'm sure they'll be people lining up around the block on the October 09 release day to be bored out of their fucking minds.

Now, don't get me wrong here. I thoroughly enjoyed the first Saw movie. The dude from Princess Bride sawing his own foot off? Sign me up. Saw 2 however was a bit stupid and after watching one of the New Kids On The Block whinge throughout the entire film, I never ventured further into the Saw canon for fear of wasting my hard-earned coin. That said, the second film was a brilliant piece of cinema when compared to the unbelievably stupid Hostel movies that somehow turned horrific gore-laden scenes into badly acted snorefests. But I digress.

Despite your own opinion, you are wrong. A good game could not in any way be produced with the Saw license. Just accept it now and thank me later this year for saving you ninety bucks.

Jigsaw: "I want to play a game." Me: "So do I, you know of any good ones? AWW YEAH THAT'S RIGHT JIGSAW I WENT THERE! GIMME FIVE UP TOP! BOOMSHAKALA!"

A quick update...for the sake of humanity.

Semi-regular readers of this blog may remember this entry:

 

http://preparations4birth.blogspot.com/2009/01/why-women-should-quickly-forget-2008.html

It detailed the affront to humanity that is Ubisoft's Imagine series of games. Released on the Nintendo DS, Wii and PC, they are truly something spewed forth from the bowels of Lucifer himself.

From the depths of Hades, it comes

As much as I despise them, I feel the need to report further. For the good of all of us. Ubisoft released some financial figures recently and in 2008, they sold over ONE MILLION COPIES of these games. In December alone, they racked up a staggering 300,000 copies sold. Mark Slaughter, group brand manager of Ubisoft, had this to say: "The Imagine series and the broader Games For Everyone portfolio now represent a significant part of Ubisoft’s business. With Imagine, we were able to offer a broad range of games to a very targeted sector of the market, a sector which we can expect to grow further. The continuing growth of the DS and Wii install bases also represents a significant area of opportunity for us with our more casual games. We will continue to build on and support the Imagine range. We have seen the brand and the individual products gain real appeal for the targeted girls’ DS market. Over the coming year, you can look out for more great games across a wide spectrum of subjects.”

On top of that, would you like to know the best selling game out of all of them was? WOULD YOU?

It's this one. And I'm not even fucking kidding.

I know what you're thinking. Retailers have some brains right? They wouldn't shell this crap out to their customers voluntarily would they? Well, here's a clue for ya, JACK!

TIME: This morning

LOCATION: EB Games

After seeing literally dozens of copies of Imagine games on the shelf, an EB clerk walks up.

EB Clerk: "You right, mate?"

Me: (pointing the offending games) "Yes. I'm just curious. How well do these games sell?"

EB Clerk: "We sell heaps of those. I wish we didn't but we do. Why do you think we've got such a massive display for them?"

He indicates a display I had not yet seen. A stand-alone display in the middle of the store that is almost as tall as I am. It is showcasing as many Imagine DS games as humanly possible. The clerk looks dismayed.

So, fine readers, what can be done? Well, a few things. Please for the sake of all things good in our humble lives, get your pens ready.

1. DON'T BUY THE FUCKING THINGS

Yes, I realise you may have a little one at home who screams at the top of their lungs for these items. But here's what you do: Be a parent and say no.  Take the child home and sit them down and explain why these games are ghastly. I don't care if the child is 2 years old, just do it. Of if that fails, just give them better games. That's like, super easy. Trust me, give them Mario Kart or a Zelda game and they'll forget about Imagine: Barefoot And Pregnant Shitkicker Named Sharon Who Honestly Believes Her Drunken Boyfriend Scott Will Stop Beating Her If She Cleans The House Really Good soon enough.

2. WARN OTHERS OF THEIR EXISTENCE

Let's face it. When it comes to video games, parents don't know shit. They just buy the nearest, cheapest piece of excrement that has Shrek's face on it just to shut their kids up. Surprisingly, when you try to tell these people about how awesome video games have the potential to be, they don't want to know about it. But persevere. Stick with it. If, at the very least, you try and convince them that these games are a massive waste of money and their hard-earned coin could be better spent, then try that approach. I mean, the DS versions of these things cost sixty fucking dollars.

3. ASK YOUR CHILD WHICH KIDS AT SCHOOL HAVE THESE GAMES

Is your son or daughter (let's make that daughter, who are we kidding here?) wanting these games because everyone at school has them? Are they tugging at your clothes screeching "But Skye and Crystal's mums bought them games!". If that's the case (and it probably is), then do your best to try and convince the child of two things...

A) Skye and Crystal are whores' names.

B) There are about a billion more cooler, rad, awesome games out there that will make them instantly fucking incredible to hang out with at school.

Difficult I know but I believe it can be done. If not, then just go to your child's school and bitchslap the young kids who are flogging this crap and then burn the games in front of them. When the police pick you up, tell them that "The internet told me to do it!". That will help your defense ten-fold.

Well, good luck. And if you think these relatively simple goals are too hard to achieve, then these abominations of misery will continue. In these tough economic times, people are literally spending millions of dollars on these games. Are you going to stand for that shit? Oh, and if you need any more encouragement...

Go! Now! For the good of the human race!

Why women should quickly forget 2008.

Hello there women. Had a good 2008? Yes? Your life progressed along quite nicely did it? Full of dreams fulfilled, hopes realised and rewards gotten? Yes?

That's good. Do you know who else had an awesome 2008? I'll tell you. A company named Ubisoft and a company named Nintendo. Ubisoft are a French games developer responsible for some great games over the years (Beyond Good & Evil, all the Tom Clancy games) but in 2008 they went above and beyond in the revenue department. Nintendo are a legendary games company that also towered above the competition last year when it came to earnings. Thanks to YOUR money, their CEOs are now lazing about on massive yachts drinking champagne and beating Phillipino waiters with reeds.

What am I talking about? Well, Ubisoft make games and Nintendo publish them. And then they both make money. And here are some of the games.

Women are only fit to breed, cook food or make dresses. FACT.

Started in 2007, Ubisoft's 'Imagine' series of games cater specifically to the female gamer. From their website: Imagine is the only range of videogames offering activities dedicated to girls.

Yep, that's right bitches, that's all you got.

Is it any wonder female gamers are still an untapped market? Thanks to companies like Ubisoft and Nintendo, women continue to get the rough end of the stick and are further alienated by video games. When they could be racking up Gamerscore points like the rest of us, women who are even vaguely interested in video games are put off by all the crap polluting the retail shelves. As a result, they look upon actual real video games with suspicion. Ever notice people who claim video games were the reason their child went on a bloodthirsty rampage are women? You only have yourself to blame Ubisoft/Nintendo.

Like staring into the pits of Hell.

Well, I have news for you Ubisoft/Nintendo (who from now on I shall deem UBITENDO), girls actually want more out of video games than baking cakes and cleaning nappies. Think about it, would you actually want to perform these tasks outside of real life? No, you want to blow the heads off zombies and murder gang members with glass shards don't you? Yes, so do women.

Women are competitive, fun-loving creatures who actually enjoy activities other than whatever Barbie has been doing for the past 90 years. Don't you know any women, UBITENDO? Are you not exposed to any free-thinking females other than the ones you devour for sustenance?

Artist's rendering of UBITENDO.

Yes, I know truckloads of money are mighty nice but here's the thing. If you keep producing these games, more women/mothers will be turned off and subsequently will be pushed further away and their ignorance will only increase. And who gets blamed when their little Johnny shoots himself in the face with a bolt-action rifle? VIDEO GAMES. THE THING THAT MAKES YOU MONEY.

So, if you want to keep your houses in the south of France and your Christmas trees made out of cocaine, then all you have to do is stop making these games. Pretty simple huh? Yeah, as simple as a chainsaw attached to a machine gun. (If you don't know what I'm talking about here, ask a girl).

Also: see that kid with the sunglasses trying to convey 'attitude'? Fire the fucking guy who suggested that.