Desperately Seeking Jasper.

Well, as it turns out, I didn't know shit about my beloved Xbox 360. But after a heartbreaking hardware failure, I am much more knowledgeable and because Preparations For Birth is helpful and awesome, soon you will be too. Be warned, this may get slightly technical but relax: there will be swearing.

As you can imagine, since the release of the Xbox 360 in 2005, Microsoft have released new models of their console over the years. Mostly to reduce manufacturing costs but also to try to fix the company-crippling Red Ring Of Death (RROD) problem. The other day, my Xbox 360 froze up. I initially believed it to be another RROD (my second) but as it turns out, my hard drive is fucked and I'll have to buy another one. The console itself is fine.

"I fart in your general direction!"

But here's the thing. I did some investigation into these new 360 models Microsoft have produced and it's all very interesting. They gradually release better models as the years pass. Better, as in less-chance-of-RROD. So, bear with me here.

The launch model of the Xbox 360 (2006) is codenamed the XENON. It has a graphics chip (GP) and a central processing unit (CPU) which both have a nanometer count of 90.

This is what I have, the XENON.  A massive piece of fucking shit which Microsoft bundled out the door quickly in order to kick Sony's arse rather than double-check everything worked properly. According to my good friend THE INTERNET, these models have roughly a 50-60% of RROD. With me so far? No? Okay here's a picture of something awesome.

Pictured: fucking awesome.

Anyway, after crapping out the XENON (and a small revision of it called the ZEPHYR), Microsoft released the FALCON on the world in 2007 which has a slightly smaller nanometer count (80 GP, 65 CPU) which reduces the power usage and makes the console run cooler. Apparently, its chance of RRODing is around 30%. The FALCON is what you can find on shelves right now for the most part. (Trust me, I've made a few calls).

So, we're up to 2008/09 now. The new model is called the JASPER (65 GP, 65 CPU) which has no reports so far of RROD after its release in Oct/Nov 2008. The JASPER is the one to get folks. And here's the way you can tell.

To the left of the serial number bar code on the back of the console. Directly above MADE IN CHINA.

Here's a closer look. If you see 12V and then 16, it's a XENON. 12V and then 14, it's a FALCON. But is you see 12V and then 12 like the picture above, it's JASPER. Grab that bitch quick smart.

Please be advised, this method is the ONLY confirmed way to identify a JASPER. Some sales clerks might try to fob you off by saying "Check the manufacture date", but that don't confirm shit. And there's no confirmed way to tell by looking at the packaging. (There's also a way to tell by the power connector, but I can't get the picture to work so fuck it).

Basically, the JASPER model of the Xbox 360 is the best and the one to get your hands on. I've done some ringing around and asked some friendly sales clerks to check the console. They're all FALCONs. So do your research. From what I've heard on the grapevine (less lame name for THE INTERNET), JASPERS have been spotted in Australia. Cairns and Melbourne specifically. So they are out there boys and girls, just go all private eye and check. As a footnote, I've asked two Microsoft support people directly about the JASPER, and they act like they have no idea what the hell I'm talking about. Hmmm...

"Never heard of me? That's a paddling."

All that said, it still sucks that my hard drive crapped out after I had invested 35+ hours in Fallout 3. HEY MICROSOFT, YEAH YOU KNOW WHAT'S COMING, GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU BLOODSUCKING SONS-A-BITCHES.

Why women should quickly forget 2008.

Hello there women. Had a good 2008? Yes? Your life progressed along quite nicely did it? Full of dreams fulfilled, hopes realised and rewards gotten? Yes?

That's good. Do you know who else had an awesome 2008? I'll tell you. A company named Ubisoft and a company named Nintendo. Ubisoft are a French games developer responsible for some great games over the years (Beyond Good & Evil, all the Tom Clancy games) but in 2008 they went above and beyond in the revenue department. Nintendo are a legendary games company that also towered above the competition last year when it came to earnings. Thanks to YOUR money, their CEOs are now lazing about on massive yachts drinking champagne and beating Phillipino waiters with reeds.

What am I talking about? Well, Ubisoft make games and Nintendo publish them. And then they both make money. And here are some of the games.

Women are only fit to breed, cook food or make dresses. FACT.

Started in 2007, Ubisoft's 'Imagine' series of games cater specifically to the female gamer. From their website: Imagine is the only range of videogames offering activities dedicated to girls.

Yep, that's right bitches, that's all you got.

Is it any wonder female gamers are still an untapped market? Thanks to companies like Ubisoft and Nintendo, women continue to get the rough end of the stick and are further alienated by video games. When they could be racking up Gamerscore points like the rest of us, women who are even vaguely interested in video games are put off by all the crap polluting the retail shelves. As a result, they look upon actual real video games with suspicion. Ever notice people who claim video games were the reason their child went on a bloodthirsty rampage are women? You only have yourself to blame Ubisoft/Nintendo.

Like staring into the pits of Hell.

Well, I have news for you Ubisoft/Nintendo (who from now on I shall deem UBITENDO), girls actually want more out of video games than baking cakes and cleaning nappies. Think about it, would you actually want to perform these tasks outside of real life? No, you want to blow the heads off zombies and murder gang members with glass shards don't you? Yes, so do women.

Women are competitive, fun-loving creatures who actually enjoy activities other than whatever Barbie has been doing for the past 90 years. Don't you know any women, UBITENDO? Are you not exposed to any free-thinking females other than the ones you devour for sustenance?

Artist's rendering of UBITENDO.

Yes, I know truckloads of money are mighty nice but here's the thing. If you keep producing these games, more women/mothers will be turned off and subsequently will be pushed further away and their ignorance will only increase. And who gets blamed when their little Johnny shoots himself in the face with a bolt-action rifle? VIDEO GAMES. THE THING THAT MAKES YOU MONEY.

So, if you want to keep your houses in the south of France and your Christmas trees made out of cocaine, then all you have to do is stop making these games. Pretty simple huh? Yeah, as simple as a chainsaw attached to a machine gun. (If you don't know what I'm talking about here, ask a girl).

Also: see that kid with the sunglasses trying to convey 'attitude'? Fire the fucking guy who suggested that.

An open letter to Sony RE: 2009

Dear Sony,

Congratulations, you made it. Just scraped through 2008 didn't you? Well done.

Yes, yes, we all know that Microsoft and Nintendo just wiped the floor with you last year but lets not dwell on the past. Let's talk about the future. Yours and mine. But more specifically, mine. I have a small request. You don't have to act on it right away, but if you could achieve it sometime in 2009, that would be fully sick/hella awesome/quite agreeable.

Okay here it is...

CONVINCE ME TO BUY A PLAYSTATION 3.

Whew. Okay, that's it. Rather simple don't you think? I've been a loyal Sony customer in the past. I bought a Playstation in 1998 and then a few years later upgraded to a Ps2. I've gone through a couple of Ps2's in my time actually.

So could you make this request a reality?

No? Too difficult? Hmm, well that's okay. I can give you a few pointers on how to achieve this pretty small task. Pens at the ready? Alright, pay attention...


1. DROP THE FUCKING PRICE ALREADY YOU HEARTLESS MONEY-HUNGRY BASTARDS.

Seriously, are you still sitting there in your glass towers looking at charts and asking Bob from Accounting why you're bleeding money quicker than a hemophiliac breakdancing on a bed of nails? If you are, then I'll hand it you - YOU ARE THE DUMBEST BUSINESSMEN ON THE PLANET.

Pictured: You.

Let me explain a little scenario for you that might make things a little clearer.

1. Currently, a Playstation 3 costs about $700.

2. In 2000, the Playstation 2 was released and it cost $700 at time of launch.

3. In 2008, the Playstation 2 costs about $150.

4. Here's a quick rundown of the most played consoles of 2008...

- Playstation 2 (31.2%)
- Xbox 360 (17.2 %)
- Wii (13.4%)
- original Xbox (9.7%)
- Playstation 3 (7.3%)
- Gamecube (4.6%)
- other (16.2%)

Source: http://www.nielsen.com/media/2008/pr_081212.html

Now, just in case you missed it, I'll highlight the most important parts.

A) MORE PEOPLE PLAYED A PLAYSTATION 2 THAN ANYTHING ELSE.

B) MORE PEOPLE PLAYED AN ORIGINAL XBOX THAN A PLAYSTATION 3.

Your nemesis in 2009.

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Now I have little to no business sense, but even I can see that and ask "Sumthin' ain't right here!". Also, stop acting like everybody's still scrambling to buy your product. When you came out and stated there would be no price cut in March 2009 because the awesomeness of the PS3 warrants its current price, all you did was change the public view of you from 'pricks' to 'arrogant deluded pricks'.

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2. RELY ON SOFTWARE TO MOVE YOUR PRODUCT AS OPPOSED TO BROKEN, POINTLESS 'SOCIAL-NETWORKS'.


Look here. You looking? Okay, check this out...

A fun, convenient gateway to games.

A fun, convenient gateway to games.

A shitload of fucking bullshit.

See that? Pretty straightforward huh? Look, you should - nay, NEED come to the realisation that Playstation Home sucks. Paying money to stand in queues to wait to play clones of old arcade games, sitting in faux-cinemas watching the trailer for 'Twilight' on an endless loop and constantly being asked 'R U GIRL 4 REALZ? PLS SEND NOODS' is something that is not actually all that fun. Do you understand what fun is? Fun is games. Wow! What a revelation! You mean people want to play games on your games console? Who would thunk it? I'll tell you who - Wii & Xbox 360 owners that's who!

Your technology is amazing. The console itself has the power and advanced circuitry to send men to the fucking moon so use that on awesome games. Not on creating a place for 12 year old racist homophobes and middle-aged paedophiles to hang out.

3. NO HUMAN BEING ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH GIVES A FUCK ABOUT BLU-RAY.

I'm not sure if you realise this or not, but people loathe change. Only now, right now - the beginning of 2009 - are people just now starting to accept the DVD format as the norm. Yes! Crazy ain't it? There's even several million households that still own a VCR. Insane!

AWESOME.

CARE FACTOR: ZERO.

There might be a tiny smattering of people who could possibly conceive how Holy-Shit-incredible it would be to watch The Dark Knight on Blu-Ray, but there ain't enough of them to save you from the all-encompassing money pit that is now swallowing your company whole. As far as the general public is concerned, DVD just came in yesterday, and they'll be damned if they have to change over their expensive-as-all-hell Babylon 5 box sets for a second time so soon. Blu-Ray is nice and everything but stop fucking using it as a main selling feature.

Well, I could go on and on here but these 3 points are probably your most important right now. All I want to do is give you money. Do you get it? I'm ready to give you oodles of cash if you just change a few things. When you do, let me know and I'll be the proud owner of a Playstation 3.

P.S. Stop acting like massive pricks.

Sincerely,


Rayfield

Loyal Sony customer since 1998

Loyal Microsoft customer since 2006