Wednesday, May 27, 2009

6 things that need to happen at E3.

Separate to spewing forth the OH SNAP! moments coming out of this year's Entertainment Expo, I also have selfish desires for certain things to be announced at E3. Some are plausible, others not so much. Either way, video games will be a better thing overall if these announcements come out in the next week or so.

1. Sony NEEDS to do...something.

Do you remember back to just before the launch of the Playstation 3? Ken Kutaragi, the then CEO of Sony Computer Entertainment said his goal for the console was for "consumers to think to themselves 'I will work more hours to buy one'. We want people to feel that they want it, irrespective of anything else". In today's economic climate, that statement retrospectively places Kutaragi one notch below Hitler on the scale of evil bastards.

Practically a genocidal maniac.

Well, guess what? In the general consensus, Sony is still kind of viewed that way by continually refusing to officially cut the price of the Ps3. Seriously, what the hell are you doing Sony? If you don't announce a significant price cut or the much-rumoured Ps3 Slim at this year's E3, it would finally reveal Satan to be the silent partner of your company. And you wouldn't want that out of the bag would you?

2. Alan Wake NEEDS a concrete release date.

Around the time of the Game Developer's Conference in March of this year, Remedy Entertainment hinted at a big Alan Wake announcement to be presented at E3. If this doesn't happen, you may as well kiss this potentially incredible game goodbye. The psychological thriller was first announced in TWO THOUSAND AND FIVE for Christ's sake. Can you even remember back that far?

I'm pretty sure the game was announced on this day.

Remedy Entertainment better come up with the goods in June. Otherwise, Alan Wake will fall into the sad development hell only occupied by Duke Nukem Forever. And people will cease to care for the rest of time.

3. Hideo Kojima's announcement NEEDS to break people's minds.

Kojima currently has a teaser website up and running and features a countdown clock that everybody seems to be talking about.

Even though I believe a upgraded version of Metal Gear Solid 4 or a brand new Metal Gear Solid 5 would be awesome, Hideo Kojima needs to bring something more unpredictable to the table. The mind behind the Metal Gear series is obviously a brilliant genius but in order for him to stay relevant and remain an exciting spearhead for innovation in the video game industry, he needs to yet again think outside the box.

Kojima's next: Nick Nolte - The Game.

You have to remember, this is the guy who wanted to design a game where if the player died, the only way to continue was to buy another copy of the game. This announcement needs to be that insane. The industry is long overdue for an injection of Kojima insanity in that style. Either that, or the big number '5' on his teaser site indicates that there are five more Metal Gear games currently in development. 

4. Activision and Harmonix NEED to announce a psychiatric care program for their customers.

Hey, did you know that Guitar Hero: Aerosmith generated more money for the band Aerosmith than any studio album ever released by the band Aerosmith? Even despite awful reviews for the game? That's a pretty good indication that the makers of both Guitar Hero and Rock Band aren't going to stop annually releasing versions of their biggest cash cows anytime soon. 

"I enjoyed taking your money, population of the Earth."

But in light of the fact that they are both unleashing proper looks at Guitar Hero 5 and The Beatles: Rock Band at E3, both developers need to realise that some time in the next eighteen months, people will snap and suffer from nervous breakdowns when they suddenly discover they have 4-6 plastic drum kits in their house. If Activision and Harmonix don't want to be portrayed as the heartless bastards, they need to be ready and waiting to care for the kids around the world that start involuntarily screaming while playing some 30 Seconds To Mars song.

5. Microsoft NEED to do something substantial with the 360 avatars or kill them off.

Look, I love my avatar. He wears a breezy tropical shirt and waves at me when I click the analogue stick. But to be honest, I wouldn't lose any sleep if Microsoft suddenly put a bullet in his head. And unless they use the avatars for something more than Kingdom For Keflings and Uno Rush, then that is exactly what needs to happen. Simply standing on the main 360 menu, blankly staring into space, is not a viable enough use of this technology. Do something with them now, Microsoft. How about bonus achievement-related clothing? More interesting avatar games? The ability to see your avatar pop on screen and say TOASTY! when you do an awesome uppercut in Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3? Anything that doesn't involve spewing out more terrible, terrible avatar shoes.

6. Nintendo NEED to announce Wii Fit 2.

Because hey hardcore gamers, that would be pretty funny huh?


  1. "Hey, did you know that Guitar Hero: Aerosmith generated more money for the band Aerosmith than any studio album ever released by the band Aerosmith?"

    Can you qualify the above comment... where the hell did you read that?


  3. Ok, that doesn't give a lot of info, I don't think it means they made more money from the sales of the game, but from all the additional merch increase tickets sales etc as well.
    Still massively impressive tho.
    It stands to reason as well, lets face it the Gaming industry is arguably bigger than Hollywood, and a successful movie tie in can do wonders for bands.