Wednesday, March 4, 2009

A quick update...for the sake of humanity.

Semi-regular readers of this blog may remember this entry:

It detailed the affront to humanity that is Ubisoft's Imagine series of games. Released on the Nintendo DS, Wii and PC, they are truly something spewed forth from the bowels of Lucifer himself.

From the depths of Hades, it comes

As much as I despise them, I feel the need to report further. For the good of all of us. Ubisoft released some financial figures recently and in 2008, they sold over ONE MILLION COPIES of these games. In December alone, they racked up a staggering 300,000 copies sold. Mark Slaughter, group brand manager of Ubisoft, had this to say: "The Imagine series and the broader Games For Everyone portfolio now represent a significant part of Ubisoft’s business. With Imagine, we were able to offer a broad range of games to a very targeted sector of the market, a sector which we can expect to grow further. The continuing growth of the DS and Wii install bases also represents a significant area of opportunity for us with our more casual games. We will continue to build on and support the Imagine range. We have seen the brand and the individual products gain real appeal for the targeted girls’ DS market. Over the coming year, you can look out for more great games across a wide spectrum of subjects.”

On top of that, would you like to know the best selling game out of all of them was? WOULD YOU?

It's this one. And I'm not even fucking kidding.

I know what you're thinking. Retailers have some brains right? They wouldn't shell this crap out to their customers voluntarily would they? Well, here's a clue for ya, JACK!

TIME: This morning


After seeing literally dozens of copies of Imagine games on the shelf, an EB clerk walks up.

EB Clerk: "You right, mate?"

Me: (pointing the offending games) "Yes. I'm just curious. How well do these games sell?"

EB Clerk: "We sell heaps of those. I wish we didn't but we do. Why do you think we've got such a massive display for them?"

He indicates a display I had not yet seen. A stand-alone display in the middle of the store that is almost as tall as I am. It is showcasing as many Imagine DS games as humanly possible. The clerk looks dismayed.

So, fine readers, what can be done? Well, a few things. Please for the sake of all things good in our humble lives, get your pens ready.


Yes, I realise you may have a little one at home who screams at the top of their lungs for these items. But here's what you do: Be a parent and say no.  Take the child home and sit them down and explain why these games are ghastly. I don't care if the child is 2 years old, just do it. Of if that fails, just give them better games. That's like, super easy. Trust me, give them Mario Kart or a Zelda game and they'll forget about Imagine: Barefoot And Pregnant Shitkicker Named Sharon Who Honestly Believes Her Drunken Boyfriend Scott Will Stop Beating Her If She Cleans The House Really Good soon enough.


Let's face it. When it comes to video games, parents don't know shit. They just buy the nearest, cheapest piece of excrement that has Shrek's face on it just to shut their kids up. Surprisingly, when you try to tell these people about how awesome video games have the potential to be, they don't want to know about it. But persevere. Stick with it. If, at the very least, you try and convince them that these games are a massive waste of money and their hard-earned coin could be better spent, then try that approach. I mean, the DS versions of these things cost sixty fucking dollars.


Is your son or daughter (let's make that daughter, who are we kidding here?) wanting these games because everyone at school has them? Are they tugging at your clothes screeching "But Skye and Crystal's mums bought them games!". If that's the case (and it probably is), then do your best to try and convince the child of two things...

A) Skye and Crystal are whores' names.

B) There are about a billion more cooler, rad, awesome games out there that will make them instantly fucking incredible to hang out with at school.

Difficult I know but I believe it can be done. If not, then just go to your child's school and bitchslap the young kids who are flogging this crap and then burn the games in front of them. When the police pick you up, tell them that "The internet told me to do it!". That will help your defense ten-fold.

Well, good luck. And if you think these relatively simple goals are too hard to achieve, then these abominations of misery will continue. In these tough economic times, people are literally spending millions of dollars on these games. Are you going to stand for that shit? Oh, and if you need any more encouragement...

Go! Now! For the good of the human race!


  1. I really want to know what the fuck you actually do in these games....
    I mean seriously.... Housewife party....

    I can't even imagine how a game like this would be played....


  2. Hopefully, the game consists of mini-games to clean the house and change the baby. And press X to avoid being bashed by your drunken husband if your incorrectly stack the dishwasher.

  3. You know what I want to see...

    Imagine: Lingerie Party


    Imagine: Jelly wrestling