Witness the emotive power of Private William Hudson.

A few of you (okay maybe one) may remember my mention of Aliens: Colonial Marines, an potentially awesome looking game set for release this year or next on Xbox 360 and PS3. It sounds incredible. The squad-based first-person shooter (not unlike the sublime Rainbow Six Vegas series) is set directly after the film Alien3, in which a bunch of marines perform a dangerous search-and-rescue operation of the USS Sulaco, the ship featured in the second film. 

Investigating the ship for Ripley, Corporal Hicks and other survivors of the incidents of planet LV-426, the marines naturally come across some shit. Warriors, Scouts and of course, the Queen will all make an appearance. Perhaps the most exciting feature is that the game will have NO heads-up-display (HUD) adding to the immersion in a way that has only really been touched on by last year's brilliant Dead Space. Right, got all that? Well, there's been some hiccups.

Hudson is somewhat concerned.

But let's back up a bit. In 2001, Electronic Arts announced a Playstation 2 game to be released entitled Aliens: Colonial Marines. And then promptly shitcanned it before release.

Hudson is angry.

In 2008, Gearbox Software and Sega (yes, that Sega) announced a totally different game entitled Aliens: Colonial Marines that would apparently blow your head off with its awesomeness. They even hired a concept artist named Syd Mead, who actually worked on the James Cameron 1986 masterpiece.

Hudson is pleased.

 In November of last year, game developer Obsidian cancelled their planned Aliens RPG game. Or according to Sega, 'indefinitely suspended'. Details of whether this game was connected in any way to Aliens: Colonial Marines were sketchy at best.

Hudson is angry.

Well, that's all we've heard. Until now, UK game magazine Powerstation teased at their next issue recently with this strangely underplayed bombshell...

Squint and look at the bottom-right corner...

So what does this mean? Is the game coming out this year? Next year? When can I get my hands of this gut-punchingly good game? What kind of marketing department has Sega got nowadays? Is this the company who wheels out Sonic the Hedgehog's bloated corpse every fucking year for yet another disappointingly underdeveloped adventure that nobody likes? But give them an awesome license like the Aliens franchise and what do they do? They vaguely announce that it may still exist and if it does, we're working on it. What kind of company is this? Have they digressed from a financial powerhouse in the 90s to some kind of rabble only responding to base desires for food and shelter much like the Macra from Doctor Who? (obscure esoteric reference specifically targeted at R. Alcock). 

What's their problem? Do we jump up and down with glee? Or do we wait patiently to see just how badly this game is going to disintegrate before ever seeing the light of day? If everything was fine and things were going ahead as planned, don't you think they would just hold a press conference and say "Yeah that's right motherfuckers! We're making the definitive Aliens game and it's gonna rock! You may as well get out your wallets right now! Wooo!". 

I remain wary and unconvinced.

Hudson is, like me, unsure as to what to make of this information.

So, I am now officially sick of this bullshit.

If you haven't heard, there was this 17 year old kid in Germany named Tim. Before last week, he was a pretty typical teenager, going to school and chasing girls. A little less typical, he also had a fuckload of porn on his computer, including charming things like bondage. His father, Jorg, was also a heavy presence in his life. His Dad owned FIFTEEN (count 'em) guns at home and sometimes failed to keep them locked. Tim also suffered from depression and on New Year's Eve, his advances were rejected by a pretty girl.

So, have you got all that? Good. Last week, Tim Kretschmer shot and killed the girl who rejected him, all of her friends and then shot eleven other random people at Winnenden school. And then he ate his own gun before he could be captured by the cops. Beforehand, he talked about school shootings on the internet under the name 'JawsPredator1'.

Now, where would you lay blame? With Tim and his depression? His bondage fetish? His father's outlandish and readily available gun collection?

No, of course not you fucking moron. You'd obviously blame this:

I'm sorry, what's that? You're confused? Am I hearing you right? How could you be confused? The Times newspaper in London sure ain't confused. Check this out:

The teenage gunman spent the night before his spree playing a violent video game in which a heavily armed mercenary tracks down and kills an arms dealer, police revealed yesterday, writes Adam Lewitt.

Tim Kretschmer spent from 7.30pm to 9.40pm playing Far Cry 2, in which the player takes on the role of the killer.

Remarkable parallels emerged between the video game and the 17-year-old’s rampage. In the game it is essential to hijack cars to move around. Kretschmer hijacked a car, held a pistol to the driver’s head and asked: “Should I have fun and pick off some more drivers?” Characters in the game, which is made by the French company Ubisoft and has sold 2.9m copies, wear black camouflage uniforms – the clothing Kretschmer wore on Wednesday.

Most sinister of all, Far Cry 2’s killer uses a Beretta 92 handgun, the weapon fired 112 times by Kretschmer. The game, which carries an 18 certificate in Britain, includes sequences in which the aiming, firing and reloading of a Beretta are portrayed in vivid detail. It also rewards players who shoot their victims in the head, the style of killing chosen by Kretschmer.

Kretschmer also played Counter-Strike, another game featuring gunplay, and TacticalOps, a special forces action game, both of which have a 16 certificate in Britain.

Some American experts are convinced of a link between school shootings and violent games.

If you stand it, Check the full article here: http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/europe/article5908602.ece

Well, are you convinced yet? No, of course not. Because YOU ARE NOT A FUCKING MORON.

For decades now, media outlets and politicians have laid the blame for real-world violence on the door of video games. Regardless of how fucked up the kid is in the first place, with abuse, depression, exposure to weapons, drunken parents, peer pressure, bullying and countless other reasons, it's ALWAYS video games are to blame. A bunch of sprites on a TV screen is consistently the reason that young children suddenly go from this:

to this:

I'm fucking sick of it. Why is it so hard for people to accept ACTUAL REAL REASONS for kids going apeshit and killing people? I still don't understand. I guess I should just shutup and be thankful that I don't live in the 1950s. When people were claiming comic books and Elvis Presley's hips were tools of the devil.

Just be thankful that this guy is dead. If he was still alive, obviously we'd live in a world of serial killer rapists roaming the post-apocalyptic streets.

A quick update...for the sake of humanity.

Semi-regular readers of this blog may remember this entry:

 

http://preparations4birth.blogspot.com/2009/01/why-women-should-quickly-forget-2008.html

It detailed the affront to humanity that is Ubisoft's Imagine series of games. Released on the Nintendo DS, Wii and PC, they are truly something spewed forth from the bowels of Lucifer himself.

From the depths of Hades, it comes

As much as I despise them, I feel the need to report further. For the good of all of us. Ubisoft released some financial figures recently and in 2008, they sold over ONE MILLION COPIES of these games. In December alone, they racked up a staggering 300,000 copies sold. Mark Slaughter, group brand manager of Ubisoft, had this to say: "The Imagine series and the broader Games For Everyone portfolio now represent a significant part of Ubisoft’s business. With Imagine, we were able to offer a broad range of games to a very targeted sector of the market, a sector which we can expect to grow further. The continuing growth of the DS and Wii install bases also represents a significant area of opportunity for us with our more casual games. We will continue to build on and support the Imagine range. We have seen the brand and the individual products gain real appeal for the targeted girls’ DS market. Over the coming year, you can look out for more great games across a wide spectrum of subjects.”

On top of that, would you like to know the best selling game out of all of them was? WOULD YOU?

It's this one. And I'm not even fucking kidding.

I know what you're thinking. Retailers have some brains right? They wouldn't shell this crap out to their customers voluntarily would they? Well, here's a clue for ya, JACK!

TIME: This morning

LOCATION: EB Games

After seeing literally dozens of copies of Imagine games on the shelf, an EB clerk walks up.

EB Clerk: "You right, mate?"

Me: (pointing the offending games) "Yes. I'm just curious. How well do these games sell?"

EB Clerk: "We sell heaps of those. I wish we didn't but we do. Why do you think we've got such a massive display for them?"

He indicates a display I had not yet seen. A stand-alone display in the middle of the store that is almost as tall as I am. It is showcasing as many Imagine DS games as humanly possible. The clerk looks dismayed.

So, fine readers, what can be done? Well, a few things. Please for the sake of all things good in our humble lives, get your pens ready.

1. DON'T BUY THE FUCKING THINGS

Yes, I realise you may have a little one at home who screams at the top of their lungs for these items. But here's what you do: Be a parent and say no.  Take the child home and sit them down and explain why these games are ghastly. I don't care if the child is 2 years old, just do it. Of if that fails, just give them better games. That's like, super easy. Trust me, give them Mario Kart or a Zelda game and they'll forget about Imagine: Barefoot And Pregnant Shitkicker Named Sharon Who Honestly Believes Her Drunken Boyfriend Scott Will Stop Beating Her If She Cleans The House Really Good soon enough.

2. WARN OTHERS OF THEIR EXISTENCE

Let's face it. When it comes to video games, parents don't know shit. They just buy the nearest, cheapest piece of excrement that has Shrek's face on it just to shut their kids up. Surprisingly, when you try to tell these people about how awesome video games have the potential to be, they don't want to know about it. But persevere. Stick with it. If, at the very least, you try and convince them that these games are a massive waste of money and their hard-earned coin could be better spent, then try that approach. I mean, the DS versions of these things cost sixty fucking dollars.

3. ASK YOUR CHILD WHICH KIDS AT SCHOOL HAVE THESE GAMES

Is your son or daughter (let's make that daughter, who are we kidding here?) wanting these games because everyone at school has them? Are they tugging at your clothes screeching "But Skye and Crystal's mums bought them games!". If that's the case (and it probably is), then do your best to try and convince the child of two things...

A) Skye and Crystal are whores' names.

B) There are about a billion more cooler, rad, awesome games out there that will make them instantly fucking incredible to hang out with at school.

Difficult I know but I believe it can be done. If not, then just go to your child's school and bitchslap the young kids who are flogging this crap and then burn the games in front of them. When the police pick you up, tell them that "The internet told me to do it!". That will help your defense ten-fold.

Well, good luck. And if you think these relatively simple goals are too hard to achieve, then these abominations of misery will continue. In these tough economic times, people are literally spending millions of dollars on these games. Are you going to stand for that shit? Oh, and if you need any more encouragement...

Go! Now! For the good of the human race!