Friday, March 28, 2008

An open letter from Kurt Cobain

Hello everyone,

Just thought I'd drop you a quick line to let you know how I'm getting on in the afterlife. Well for starters, Holy Shit did I make the right choice! Look at what has gone down since 1994. I thought that fucking up the planet had been done to death when I shuffled off that mortal coil, but obviously I underestimated you assholes. Not that really cared about any of that while I was around but Christ, talk about idiots.

Things are good. There's no such thing as heroin here but such human needs have been prohibited so I had to get used to it (although the occasional hit wouldn't go astray when Chris Farley stops me in the hallway. No coke or hookers here either, much to his dismay).

I'm glad to see kids nowadays still wearing my face on their t-shirts. Yes, I hated all that crap when I was around but let's face it - my picture on a t-shirt? That rocks!

Anyway, I should get to the real reason I wrote this letter.

What the hell happened? This is how you three end up after I'm gone? Jesus!

Dave, the furthest you wanted to go in a video when I was around was to wear a fucking dress! Are you reaching out for more cash in that picture? Is that it? Why don't you just put on a jester's hat and dance for coin, you monkey! Although, I quite liked 'The Colour And The Shape'. That was a good album.
Krist, I don't know who that woman is, but why aren't you buying drugs off her? Huh? And holy hell, did you go bald and pudgy! Who ate all the pies, you fat bastard! I've heard a couple of your solo songs since I left and let's just say I'm glad the listening public didn't have a shotgun at the ready.
Courtney. Or should I say Farrah Fawcett? What the hell were you thinking? And what happened to Hole? They were the whole reason I had sex with you in the first place (that and the heroin). Just give Frances Bean to a foster family now before she follows you into ridicule. You used to be rocking!
Oh my god, how depressing. Good to see you morons could handle life without me around. I regret even keeping an eye on you fools. Now I feel terrible. In fact, I need to end this letter before I get even more depressed. Time for a game of mini-golf with John Candy.
Bye-bye losers.

No comments:

Post a Comment