Dipping a toe into multiplayer.

For as long as I've owned my beloved Xbox 360, I have to admit that I've never really toyed around with the multiplayer aspect of things. When I first bought the thing back in 2006, I spent many an hour wandering through Oblivion and shooting nazis in Call Of Duty 2 with nary a thought towards taking the fight online.

Until now.

In the last month, I've upped my Xbox Live subscription to Gold and tentatively had a go at online multiplayer in a few select titles. And I have to say I'm hooked. Now, just to be clear there's no way in hell I'm actually talking to anyone online. Voice headset? Fuck that. What on earth would I have to discuss with dudes who have gamertags like Ruthless CXnt and CHAD iz babe anyway? Nothing.

I speak with my trigger finger, MonkeyFart69.

I kind of understand what gamers meant now. When you finish the single-player campaign of a new game, take it online and see how you fare against something other than AI bots.

But don't get me wrong here - I'm not very good. I've been gradually climbing the early ranks of a few games and even though I suck most of the time, I manage to pull off more than a few 'punch-the-fucking-air-with-glee' type moments.

Gears Of War 2 - Currently I'm Level 13.

There's this thing called Horde Mode in Gears Of War 2. Basically, it's you and four other dudes fighting wave after wave of AI controlled Locust enemies. One single map and several hours of commitment to reach Wave 50. As you take down ugly-as-fuck horde soldiers, it's rewarding when a teammate revives you from near death to continue the fight. Gradually, you and the aforementioned dudes form a small bond as you wade through ankle-deep carnage. And damn, it is fun.

These two guys are having a chainsaw fight. A CHAINSAW FIGHT.

Call Of Duty 4 - Currently I'm a Level 10 Sargeant.

This one has all the traditional modes of Deathmatch and Capture the Flag etc. but comes with it the handicap of fighting against people who have been playing this game for two years. Certain maps are just brutal. After spawning and running for two seconds, some prick in a farmhouse with a sniper rifle sends you a care package in the shape of a bullet to the head and your war-torn frivolity is over quick smart. But as I have stated before, Ice-T plays this one (with Xzibit apparently) so naturally, I'll stick with my M1 Carbine rifle with red-dot sight until I find him.

Ripped from the headlines. If the headline was "Today fighting in the Middle East culminated in BOOM HEADSHOT".

Streetfighter IV - I currently have 180 Battle Points.

Since this is a fighting game, the matches just fly by in seconds. The online matchmaking process (the game automatically tries to find you someone with similar skill level and a stable internet connection) is dodgy sometimes. Regardless, I'm unlocking Titles and Icons and generally getting the shit beaten out of me. Small victories are the order of the day here. By playing as Sakura, I've managed to just win my fifth online match. Pitted against Blanka, my opponent loved sticking to the ground and attacking my ankles and much as he could. He won the first round, I won the second and then I managed to string together enough combos to defeat him in the third. And since it was my fifth victory, I unlocked an Achievement called 'Way Of The Fist'. Damn right.

Sakura vs Ken. The kids in the background are celebrating bare-fisted violence. AWESOME.

Pardon me, EB Games? HADOUKEN!

In the heady days of the eighties and nineties, video games may have been an incredibly fun element in people's lives but they were nothing compared to the entertainment powerhouse they are today. Just last week, Nintendo released their earnings for the last fiscal year and it turns out they earned 1.83 TRILLION YEN.

A Nintendo employee, heating his house.

Just so you know, that works out to about 25 billion Australian dollars. Making money is as natural to Nintendo as breathing oxygen and choking hookers is to us. With that in mind, games retailers have also gone from happy-fun-time locations that sell us tangible objects of joy to dark recesses of despair; their only existence maintained by the constant chewing on our bank accounts to keep them alive. Yes I am squarely looking at you, EB Games. For a few years now, your prices and the general way you conduct business has grown more and more abhorrent. 

Think back, people. Do you actually remember when the price tag on your video games started showing a figure of over one hundred dollars? One hundred and twenty? I remember the first time I saw that ridiculous price was plastered on the cover of a few games in 2007. It may have been in place before then, but it is the first time I ever thought "Good Christ, is that correct?". 

Their pre-owned pricing system is even worse. Games that are purchased at a price of $119.95 that people sell back to EB, are then placed back on the shelf. For five dollars less. Yes, right at this very moment on their website, it states that if you buy Streetfighter IV for $119.95 and then trade it in (usually for around $60), they will resell that dirty, used copy to the public for the crazy, low, low price of...$114.95. How many trading customers took a moment to actually stop and say "Uh, did you just rob me?".

An EB Games employee, relaxing on a weekend.

But am I wrong to lash out at them? Am I a hypocrite when I complain about their used games when I'll happily buy a pre-owned copy of Okami for $30 that very same day? I'm not sure........wait a minute. Of course I'm sure. Any shop that purposefully maintains the sale of two year old games (Call Of Duty 4) at current ridiculous prices ($109.95) deserves to burn in hell with rapists and dudes who flamboyantly play Guitar Hero: Metallica.

Back to my original point. After paying a meagre $88.00 for my copy of Streetfighter IV at Big W, I felt slightly more cheerful about the world of video games. So next time I walk past an EB sign that states ...NINTENDO DSI CONSOLE FOR ONLY $125 (when you trade DS Lite console and 8 thousand DS games, including all the awesome ones because we ain't gonna give you dollar one for those shitty Shrek kart racer turds), a spring in my step will surely be close behind.

"Oooooh EB Gaaaaames, Streetfighter is awesome, EB Gaaaaames! No thanks to you, you heartless opportunistic fucking bastards, EB Gaaaaaames!"

4 reasons why 2009 is suddenly awesome.

Around this time of year, things are a bit slow when it comes to video games. No real huge releases and all the good stuff is usually saved for June or later. Well folks, take those expectations and shoot them in the face with a gun that shoots chainsaws. Just in the last couple of days, a few announcements have made the most jaded gamer jump for fucking joy again. Let's go through them right here, right now. Hold on to your hats...

1. Modern Warfare 2 has snowmobiles.

Let's face it: Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare was fantastic. The team behind that game have finally revealed footage of their sequel. Modern Warfare 2 has dropped the Call Of Duty title in favour of branching out on their own. Whatever, it doesn't matter as long the game holds up.

Before you say "What the shit was that?" I'll explain. Yeah, it's basically a quick teaser for the trailer. Which is released on May 24th. During the NBA Basketball Finals. Yeah, pretty weird huh? But when we're talking about Modern Warfare 2, I'm willing to jump through a few strange hoops. Did you see the snowmobiles? SNOWMOBILES! LIKE DIE HARD 2 RIGHT?

2. Dragon Age: Origins has suddenly become incredibly interesting.

Hey, you know Bioware? The guys who made Knights Of The Old Republic and Mass Effect? Pretty good resume huh? Well, before they drop Mass Effect 2 on us, they've been working on a medieval RPG in the meantime called Dragon Age: Origins. Until now, it's been "Okay, that exists", but after this trailer, it's more like "Give Bioware some sort of award." Be warned, this trailer is a little...different.

3. Streetfighter IV is rather cheap this Thursday.

Released in February, the original gangsta of fighting games returned to rave reviews. Only problem is, every shop charged an arm and a leg for the thing. EB Games naturally whipped out the $120 price tag much to my disdain and I believed my chance to bust out a sweet HADOUKEN! would have to wait. But it seems Big W will come to the rescue. Starting on the 14th May, they're having a sale and selling a bunch of stuff on the cheap. Including SFIV for $88. Now, you may not think that's a very cheap price but...think about it. Thought about it? Good. Pretty cheap ain't it?

$88 for all this good stuff. Sold yet?

4. And oh yeah, they're officially making Thief 4.

Didn't see that coming did you? Eidos have officially announced that they are indeed working on the fourth installment of their legendary stealth-based adventure game. From the official press release:

"We're in the early development stages for Thief 4, but this is an incredibly ambitious and exciting project for Eidos," said Stephane D'Astous, General Manager at Eidos-Montreal. "While it's too early for us to offer any specific game details, right now we are focused on recruiting the very best talent to join the core team at the studio and help us make what we believe will be one of the most exciting games on the market."

Sounds good to me. Since I haven't played a Thief game since the second one, the time is ripe for Garrett The Pickpocket to return and show us how it's done. Come and reclaim your sneaking throne, Garrett. And by God, you better bring water arrows. There has been an INSANE amount of stealth based games flooding the market since the Thief series was successful and quite a few of them have been sub-standard.

SNORE.

Excited yet? In January, this year was looking to be a little lackluster compared to the legendary release schedule of 2008. But as the year progresses (and remember, we're nearly halfway through it already), the more amazing things get. Seriously, if none of the items above get your eyebrows raising, then you must not have a soul or something.

Pictured: You.