An open letter to Sony RE: 2009

Dear Sony,

Congratulations, you made it. Just scraped through 2008 didn't you? Well done.

Yes, yes, we all know that Microsoft and Nintendo just wiped the floor with you last year but lets not dwell on the past. Let's talk about the future. Yours and mine. But more specifically, mine. I have a small request. You don't have to act on it right away, but if you could achieve it sometime in 2009, that would be fully sick/hella awesome/quite agreeable.

Okay here it is...

CONVINCE ME TO BUY A PLAYSTATION 3.

Whew. Okay, that's it. Rather simple don't you think? I've been a loyal Sony customer in the past. I bought a Playstation in 1998 and then a few years later upgraded to a Ps2. I've gone through a couple of Ps2's in my time actually.

So could you make this request a reality?

No? Too difficult? Hmm, well that's okay. I can give you a few pointers on how to achieve this pretty small task. Pens at the ready? Alright, pay attention...


1. DROP THE FUCKING PRICE ALREADY YOU HEARTLESS MONEY-HUNGRY BASTARDS.

Seriously, are you still sitting there in your glass towers looking at charts and asking Bob from Accounting why you're bleeding money quicker than a hemophiliac breakdancing on a bed of nails? If you are, then I'll hand it you - YOU ARE THE DUMBEST BUSINESSMEN ON THE PLANET.

Pictured: You.

Let me explain a little scenario for you that might make things a little clearer.

1. Currently, a Playstation 3 costs about $700.

2. In 2000, the Playstation 2 was released and it cost $700 at time of launch.

3. In 2008, the Playstation 2 costs about $150.

4. Here's a quick rundown of the most played consoles of 2008...

- Playstation 2 (31.2%)
- Xbox 360 (17.2 %)
- Wii (13.4%)
- original Xbox (9.7%)
- Playstation 3 (7.3%)
- Gamecube (4.6%)
- other (16.2%)

Source: http://www.nielsen.com/media/2008/pr_081212.html

Now, just in case you missed it, I'll highlight the most important parts.

A) MORE PEOPLE PLAYED A PLAYSTATION 2 THAN ANYTHING ELSE.

B) MORE PEOPLE PLAYED AN ORIGINAL XBOX THAN A PLAYSTATION 3.

Your nemesis in 2009.

.

.

Now I have little to no business sense, but even I can see that and ask "Sumthin' ain't right here!". Also, stop acting like everybody's still scrambling to buy your product. When you came out and stated there would be no price cut in March 2009 because the awesomeness of the PS3 warrants its current price, all you did was change the public view of you from 'pricks' to 'arrogant deluded pricks'.

.

.

2. RELY ON SOFTWARE TO MOVE YOUR PRODUCT AS OPPOSED TO BROKEN, POINTLESS 'SOCIAL-NETWORKS'.


Look here. You looking? Okay, check this out...

A fun, convenient gateway to games.

A fun, convenient gateway to games.

A shitload of fucking bullshit.

See that? Pretty straightforward huh? Look, you should - nay, NEED come to the realisation that Playstation Home sucks. Paying money to stand in queues to wait to play clones of old arcade games, sitting in faux-cinemas watching the trailer for 'Twilight' on an endless loop and constantly being asked 'R U GIRL 4 REALZ? PLS SEND NOODS' is something that is not actually all that fun. Do you understand what fun is? Fun is games. Wow! What a revelation! You mean people want to play games on your games console? Who would thunk it? I'll tell you who - Wii & Xbox 360 owners that's who!

Your technology is amazing. The console itself has the power and advanced circuitry to send men to the fucking moon so use that on awesome games. Not on creating a place for 12 year old racist homophobes and middle-aged paedophiles to hang out.

3. NO HUMAN BEING ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH GIVES A FUCK ABOUT BLU-RAY.

I'm not sure if you realise this or not, but people loathe change. Only now, right now - the beginning of 2009 - are people just now starting to accept the DVD format as the norm. Yes! Crazy ain't it? There's even several million households that still own a VCR. Insane!

AWESOME.

CARE FACTOR: ZERO.

There might be a tiny smattering of people who could possibly conceive how Holy-Shit-incredible it would be to watch The Dark Knight on Blu-Ray, but there ain't enough of them to save you from the all-encompassing money pit that is now swallowing your company whole. As far as the general public is concerned, DVD just came in yesterday, and they'll be damned if they have to change over their expensive-as-all-hell Babylon 5 box sets for a second time so soon. Blu-Ray is nice and everything but stop fucking using it as a main selling feature.

Well, I could go on and on here but these 3 points are probably your most important right now. All I want to do is give you money. Do you get it? I'm ready to give you oodles of cash if you just change a few things. When you do, let me know and I'll be the proud owner of a Playstation 3.

P.S. Stop acting like massive pricks.

Sincerely,


Rayfield

Loyal Sony customer since 1998

Loyal Microsoft customer since 2006

4 awesome upcoming games that nobody seems to know about.

If you even have the slightest interest in video games, you'll no doubt be aware of the barrage of high profile releases at the moment (Gears of War 2, Fallout 3, Little Big Planet) and in the near future (Streetfighter IV, Prince of Persia). And if you're like me, your attitude is something like "Okay, I'll slog through Gears and then the 100+ hours of Fallout and then start building my Little Big Planet levels...".

All great but predictable.

Here now are some hidden gems to be released soon (ish). To which your reaction will probably be more along the lines of "HOLY JESUS HERE TAKE MY FIRST BORN SON AND GIMME THEM SHITS RIGHT NOW!"

1) HEAVY RAIN (PS3)

Introducing the first video game character that somehow doesn't have the dead lifeless eyes of a mannequin.

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Split up between four different characters, French studio Quantic Dream's PS3 exclusive seems to shaping up to be incredible. Aside from the face-melting visuals, Heavy Rain looks to be a breath of fresh air in the current slew of go-here-shoot-this-dude games. It's a mystery. And a thriller. And an investigative story. And disturbing as fuck.

From what has been released so far, one of the characters is Madison (pictured above) who takes time out from riding her motorbike on wet streets (made wet by HEAVY RAIN, yeah) to investigate a two storey house with nothing but a camera and her wits. She finds some pretty disturbing shit on the upstairs floor. Then things start to go pear-shaped when the owner of house returns home...

You can just tell this dude is one sick bastard.

Still not sure? Fine, well take a look at this 20 minute tech demo from this year's E3 and then come talk to me. http://www.gametrailers.com/player/usermovies/284828.html

Release date: Early 2009

2. BATMAN: ARKHAM ASYLUM (Xbox 360, PS3, PC)

I made a vow on the grave of my parents blah, blah, blah...

Colour me cautiously excited about this one. All previous Batman games have been rubbish with the possible exception of Batman: Vengeance. That said, Vengeance was based on the animated series. I've been waiting for a darker, more mature Batman adventure and it looks like my wait may be over. Batman: Arkham Asylum (not based on the Grant Morrison comic) is a third-person action adventure title that (so far) features a shitload of CSI-style investigation, combat and potentially awesome moments.

As far as the story is concerned, the Joker starts some shit at the Gotham City nuthouse that somehow snowballs into a full-scale riot. And you (as Batman, yes you) have to come in and save the day. Did I mention that Arkham happens to be at full capacity when the Joker pulls this shit? Filled with people like Scarecrow, Mr Zsasz and Mr Freeze? And did I also mention you get to play as fucking Batman?

When there's a game where the Joker looks like this...

...and Killer Croc looks like this...

...then yes, sign me the fuck up.

Release date: Sometime in 2009

3) ALIENS: COLONIAL MARINES (Xbox 360, PS3, PC)

Look at that! In the bottom left corner! Yeah that thing! There's no heads-up display, just that! THE FUCKING THING FROM THE MOVIE!

While there has been semi-successful games based on the Alien franchise, there's always been something extra thrown in (Predators etc) to appeal to a different fanbase. On the other hand, there has also been massive missteps in this area. The first game I ever bought for the Sega Megadrive was Alien3 and it had one slight difference from the film: GUNS!

Nobody has perfectly captured the dread/balls-out action of James Cameron's 1986 masterpiece. Aliens: Colonial Marines has been on the cards since 2001 so heavy delays have dulled the excitement somewhat. Until this year, when some fresh shots of it were released.

They seem to now be in some real pretty shit...man.

In the game, you lead a four-man squad (each of which you can control) to investigate the USS Sulaco. The game is set after Alien 3 so Ripley's automated shuttle has long since departed from the mothership. But the Aliens haven't. Word on the street is there will be facehuggers, drones, warriors and the Queen. I guess that's a different Queen from the one that ripped Bishop in half.

Specific desires for this game:

- Hudson is alive and voiced by Bill Paxton.

- A conversation option where you can tell Hudson that you're 'sick of his bullshit'.

- Hidden unlockable weapons from Hudson's list (sharp sticks, sonic electronic ballbreakers etc).

Release date: Again, sometime in 2009.

4) ALAN WAKE (Xbox 360, PC)

A gun. A torch. A tweed jacket. What more do you want?

In another tale of massive delays, the developers responsible for the Max Payne series have whetted the appetite of horror fans with a guy named...Alan. A horror writer whose fiance has disappeared, Alan Wake begins to suffer from insomnia and travels to Bright Falls, Washington for treatment at a local clinic. Only then can he sleep. Trouble is, all he sees are nightmares. Nightmares that are starting to seep into reality (INSERT VIOLIN-BASED SPOOKY MUSIC).

"Well, there's your problem pal. You're trying to drive this car while enduring an horrific living nightmare."

Alan Wake was starting to lose its focus because of its constantly-pushed-back release date cluminating in an infamous quote from a developer stating it will be released "when it's done". People were starting to lose hope in ever seeing this potentially brilliant game ever see the light of day. Then the developers released an awesome trailer. You can find it on their equally awesome brand new website: http://www.alanwake.com/

Fuck yes.

Release date: Sometime in our lifetime (maybe 2009).

DISCLAIMER: If any of these games turn out to be garbage, I hereby invoke my hypocritical power to slag them off at any opportunity in the future.