Reclaiming the world of Sega.

As a young lad in the early-nineties, I was one of many kids who fell under the spell of a hedgehog named Sonic. At the time, the only way to partake in his speedy, attitude-laden adventures was to get yourself a Sega Megadrive (known as a Sega Genesis in North America). After Sonic's many outings became repetitive (and boy, did they), the system had an abundance of incredible titles left in it's library and I couldn't get enough.

Sega were obviously some cheeky bitches back in those days.

Foolishly, I gave away my Megadrive to a friend and never saw it again. I invested myself pretty heavily in PC gaming at that point and for some unknown reason, thought it was rational to offload one of the best video game systems of all time. What a moron.

Anyway, as Cypress Hill once said, what go around come around. I have recently come into possession of a second generation system called the Megadrive 2.

Here she is. I've got one of those sweet controllers too.

But there's been a stumbling block. In this modern time of HD-TVs and such, cables can be a problem. Instead of simply plugging it in and getting on with the job, things are a little more complicated. I completely forgot about the system's weird hook-up. It's not just a simple cable, it's got this fucking switchbox monstrosity thing in the middle of it.

Oooh, you bastard.

As I said, it's a switchbox, so there's switch on it. Also, there's an AV cable to go into the back of the TV. And I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT IN THE NAME OF CHRIST TO DO. I try and try and keep coming up something other than trumps. The Megadrive works (the second generation machines had a power indicator light on them) but I just can't get a signal through to the TV.

I have checked on the internet to some extent and it seems I'm not the only person in the world with this problem. Poor clueless pricks implore people to help them on technology/game forums all over the web but the general response to their pleas has been something along the lines of "Maybe u shuld get a old TV eh? LOL!!!!".

Your typical internet forum user.

So fuck you old technology - I refuse to be defeated by your mysterious ways. I will conquer you. Mark my words. And before you know it, I'll be using you to achieve great happiness in the form of...

This is Desert Strike. You play as a helicopter pilot who recovers fuel barrels and shoots the fuck out of people in the Gulf.

This is NBA Jam. You play basketball and dunk the fuck out of the net as the announcer shouts BOOMSHAKALAKA! to indicate how awesome you are.

This is Road Rash 2. You race motorbikes and punch the fuck out of other riders and even cops. Which is what I'll do to this Megadrive if I can't hook it up properly.

Searching for the perfect Wild West game.

"Why, you yellow-bellied no-good do-gooder sumbitch. I thought I done told you never to set foot in this town again."

"Well, you thought wrong."

BLAM!

Now, I've just written that off the top of my head but damn, doesn't it portray something that we are all familiar with? And isn't it awesome? Ever since people like Clint Eastwood said a whole lot of nothing but spoke with his trigger finger, the western genre has intrigued me. Naturally, I've wanted to experience this in video game form. Over the years, there hasn't been too many stabs at the wild west game and even less worth mentioning. But that might be about to change.

The first recorded video game set in the time of gunslingers and undertakers was 1971's The Oregon Trail. Based on a real event, you play a wagon leader traveling from Missouri to Oregon, presumably dealing with challenging obstacles along the way. Apparently you can download it for your iPhone now.

Best use of the return key, ever.

Eastwood Excitement level: 

1985 though, was when the real shit started. The humble Commodore 64 unleashed Law Of the West. A simple yet insanely addictive game.

Seriously, what was the town planner thinking putting those two buildings together?

The player took the role of a lonely, maladjusted sheriff who stood in the street all day waiting for people to come talk to him. And deciding whether or not to shoot them. (The above picture was the only screen in the game, just with different text and enemies). You met bandits, doctors, whores, kids and other townsfolk who wanted to a little chat to their local lawman - unaware that said lawman could shoot them in the head before they even started talking. When you decided to end their unholy existence (apart from the doctor, he could heal your wounds), you pulled down on the joystick and then up to aim. An EXTREMELY volatile crosshair appeared and you had a short time to shoot.

Eastwood Excitement level:

The early nineties saw the release of an arcade game that ate untold numbers of coins from young boys' pockets: Sunset Riders. Up to four players could assume the role of bounty hunters to hunt down the most ruthless bastard outlaws around and shoot them dead. Couple that with fun cartoony art and Shinobi-style gameplay  and it entered the realm of legend.

Words to live by.

Later, Sunset Riders was ported to the Megadrive and Super Nintendo. But by then, nobody cared. Nobody meaning me.

Eastwood Excitement level:

Rockstar Games took a stab at the genre next with Red Dead Revolver on Playstation 2 in 2004. A pretty damn fine game but bordering on repetitive in certain parts. You play as Red, a dude whose parents were killed by outlaws and he vows to...blah, blah, blah.

And you could use two goddamn guns.

The action is nicely done but the characters and the setting is one-dimensional. On the whole a great game but only in short doses. After you watch a cut-scene, you shoot everything. Repeat. The end. Now, you may be wondering what else would you want from a wild west game? Well, bear with me here.

Eastwood Excitement level:

So, after all these valiant but no-quite-there attempts, you'd think I would have give up hope. Not so. A couple of years ago, Call Of Juarez was released on PC and later Xbox 360. What initially seemed brilliant in this game quickly became broken. There were a lot of things wrong that game - awful enemies, dodgy physics - but it has one inventive thing going for it, the story. Now a sequel has been announced: Call Of Juarez - Bound In Blood. It looks like the bomb. Hopefully, it will rectify all the problems of the first game and finally satisfy my needs. Fingers crossed, kids.

Eastwood Excitement Level:

Financial doom awaits.

As some of you know, I've had a nostalgia kick recently. Harking back to the heady days of, oh I don't know, let's say 1993, my mind has recalled stellar gaming moments from my past. Naturally, as you get older, things like this appear more fun than previously thought. And it seems I'm not the only one. In the last five to ten years, older video games have become more and more popular for collectors and generally awesome people. But not everybody has their heart in the right place when it comes to this ancient hobby. A new kind of video game collector has emerged: the 8-bit musician. The kind of nerd who wants to hook their Game Boy or Commodore Amiga up to a sampler or keyboard and make 'tunes' from it so they can appear on stage in underground clubs and try to appear cool and hip and show off their Mario tattoos. Quite simply, fuck these people.

 

Oh, just die already.

Instead of embracing something wholly spectacular (video games) in its intended form, they leave that concept in the dust only to jump on the nearest fad that outside of a nightclub any sane person would deem reprehensible try-hard wankery. Look at the crowd at these gigs and just try to prove me wrong.

Drunk in a nightclub at 4am: "Man, that dude who's been crouching over that Casio for the past hour and a half is an absolute genius! This music is awesome! I can't feel my face!"

Sober at home at 11am: "What is this shit? I'm supposed to be impressed because he made a dub version of the Tetris music? Fuck that, I'm off to buy some video games."

Anyway, I went off on a tangent there. The point is, I'm looking to get myself some older video games. It ain't going to be easy but, oh boy, it will be worth it.

Now, looking in local shops is always an option. Finding hidden gems that were somehow overlooked and are now priced down is a simple joy unique to this particular universe. But it is also quite rare. More likely I will have to find what I want through Ebay. Damn you Ebay, you foul, tempting creature. You're some kind of succubus, evil and heartless, only presenting yourself to the masses to bring down humanity through your despicable existence. Do you realise just how much misery you have wrought upon unsuspecting innocents?

Picture unrelated.

First on my wishlist is a Sega Megadrive. I owned one years ago but for some unknown reason gave it away to a friend (I do recall my younger self to be a moron in many ways, so this act is unsurprising). I haven't seen that friend since the 20th century so I hope he put it to good use. This was a mind-numbingly good piece of hardware. Great controls, even better games and the best thing - sturdy as fuck. My Xbox 360 has broken several times but I imagine my old Megadrive is still somewhere out there running strong. There's an entire quarry load of them on Ebay, so I'll have to be ruthless in my investigating. Believe me, anything that can play NBA Jam: Tournament Edition is worth chasing after.

Come to Papa.

"Pipes are the arteries of this mighty erection!"

When I started playing video games, I started on a Commodore 64. For those of you who are not old enough to know what the hell that is, here let me paint you a collage of memories:

+

=

The games on it were fantastic. Skate Or Die, Summer Games, Combat School, Commando, Last Ninja and hundreds of others saw me through a piracy-based childhood (note: I didn't go out of my way to pirate games in the C64, that's just how games ended up in your hands back then). After this awesome machine and a 486 PC afterwards, I pretty much made the exclusive move to consoles (Megadrive, Playstation, Playstation 2, Gamecube, Xbox 360). 

Recently, nostalgia hit me like a ton of bricks. I dug out a Dell Inspiron laptop I bought in 2002 and have decided to revisit some of the classics. Starting with this:

That's me on the left, in the trenchcoat. I haven't figured out what to do with that big robot yet.

This is Beneath A Steel Sky. It's a point-and-click adventure from 1994. You play a dude named Robert who, along with his uppity robot Joey, has to escape from the oppressive Union City (which is apparently Sydney in the distant future) and return to your home. It's got more character in one sprite than most brand new games on the shelf right now and it's only 71 MB. 

So, exciting days ahead then. Since my little old laptop could run the shit out of any top shelf game in 2002, then these old classics will have no problem. That's all I plan to use it for and since there's TONS of them out there, I'll be busy.  

Now if only I can get my hands on these treasures:

Pictured above: Fucking awesome.

A young gamer's life guide: Part 3

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A young gamer's life guide: Part 2

In this series, we're (when I say we, I mean me) discussing how to correctly raise your beloved child on the wonderful medium of video games. From simple platformers to intense first-person shooters, this guide will force your child to thank you for the rest of his maladjusted life.

The Second Game (ages 4-8)

Street Fighter II (1991)

HADOUKEN!!! (You will get to know this word)

Now, before you start waving your arms around in protest, this is a cartoon. There's no blood, gore, excess violence or anything untoward in this awesome fighting game. Just a bunch of unrealistically proportioned global stereotypes smacking the shit out of each other with unrealistically proportioned fighting moves. In a word, magic.

In a worldwide fighting tournament where anything is possible , your child will progress through the ranks of fisticuffs (and er...footicuffs) to gradually reach the final battle against tournament organiser and villian M.Bison (who, despite making his home in Thailand, looks about as Thai as Jerry Seinfeld).

Hand-eye coordination is the key skill here. In order for your child to succeed, they will want to improve on their ability to time their attacks & defenses so they can win and generally feel like a hard bastard. Which is what they will crave the second they start playing.

On right - legend. On left - potential pedophile.

Also for the first time, your child will be forced to choose a character to portray. This will prove to be a valuable insight into your child's psyche at this young age. There is no need to influence their choice, just wait, see and react accordingly.

RYU OR KEN: This is fine. Your child wants to hedge his bets and play the percentages. And they will generally succeed. Thumbs up.

GUILE: Your child already has been exposed to the US of A through thousand of television hours, and this choice is a result of that. Blind patriotic optimism will drive your child's decision for the rest of their days. Beware and try to guide them back to normalcy.

BLANKA OR DHALSIM: This is interesting. Your child is experimenting, which naturally should be encouraged. They wish to test unknown waters so their future life could lean towards ground-breaking science or perhaps an emerging artist. Or maybe a serial killer who eats faces.

CHUN-LI: Your child is female.

ZANGIEF: Immediately stop what you are doing and berate your child for hours on how being a loser is not the way to live your life. Otherwise, they will fail at everything they do and end up being that middle-aged drunk who makes people laugh at parties but is universally pitied and reviled.

Overall, this game will help your child immeasurably while they have bags of fun at the same time. As an added bonus, you can play with them and raise their self-esteem by allowing them to kick your arse.

Where to get it: Hold off for now. By the end of the year, the game's original developers, Capcom, will be releasing a new and improved High-Definition version of Street Fighter II over Xbox Live Arcade (yes, so get an Xbox 360) and it looks just amazing. Other than that, you can jump on to eBay and buy an old Super Nintendo or Sega Megadrive and then get the original game cartridge. And if you manage that feat, then you deserve a pat on the back because your are officially an AWESOME PARENT. It's also available on Game Boy Advance.

A young gamer's life guide: Part 1.

In my opinion, you can't introduce your child to video games early enough. As soon as that umbilical cord is cut, a game controller should be placed in your child's tiny hands. However, it needs to be done correctly. You think you can just throw them in at the deep end with drek like Ultimate Duck Hunting? Think fucking again.

I wrote a small thing about this topic a little while back, but I've now realised it needed to be much more in-depth. With the following guide and your dedication, your child will be a conqueror of artificial worlds in no time.

The First Game (ages 0-3)

Super Mario Bros. (1985)

The beginning of awesomeness.

There's no better place to start. Face it, it's perfect. For a child who can barely look at their hand for more than two seconds, an Italian plumber will hold their attention like a motherfucker. At an early age, kids love pretty colours. Put that together with quick movement and funny sounds, they will adore it from start to finish. Also, it's an awesome game.

Fat, short-arse plumber Mario Mario (yes that's his full name) embarks on an adventure in a insane world called the Mushroom Kingdom (usually ruled by huge bastard dinosaur Bowser) to overcome all obstacles and rescue the love of his life from a castle (usually occupied by useless waif Princess Peach). Along the way, he has to deal with speeding turtle shells (Koopas), killer brown blobs with legs (Goombas) and amongst other things, about a million platforms to jump off and die from.

Bring it, you Koopa fuck.

The controls are great, the jumping puzzles are frustratingly brilliant and the characters are intoxicating. Mario is a bizarre hero. He's not a square-jawed fighter pilot or a dashing secret agent. He's a plumber with a moustache. That's some genius shit right there. Him and his brother Luigi Mario (in 2-player mode) are unexpected gods in this game. The kids will love them like surrogate parents and want to spend an unhealthily massive amount of time in their world. That's not a bad thing - the game's just that good. Yes, it's primitive by today's standards but guess what? That don't amount to much. Here, an example:

A shitty-looking brilliant game.

A brilliant-looking shitty game.

Besides, the child doesn't care about graphics or sunlight rendering. They will look at those crude bunch of sprites and think it's the bomb. It doesn't necessarily have to be Super Mario Bros though. There has been so many similar games in this series any of them should do - Super Mario Bros 1, 2 or 3, Super Mario Land 1 and 2 or Super Mario World. They are all essentially the same kick-arse game.

Where to get it: Get yourself a Nintendo Wii. With it's online game shop - Virtual Console, you can get all the necessary Mario goodness on the cheap. If you want to go with a handheld system, a Nintendo DS or Game Boy Advance. On Nintendo DS, there's an updated version called New Super Mario Bros. Which fucking rules.

An open letter to Game Boy Advance owners.

Dear Game Boy Advance owners,

You are all losers.

We've decided that on the strength of this fact, we will longer stock any quality games for your Nintendo handheld console. Yes, we understand that you may still consider it to be a fine platform for RPG and action games or you may have just dug out your old GBA and wanted to rediscover the joy of handheld gaming by purchasing further games for it, but we reiterate:

You are a loser.

Why in God's name are you bothering with obselete technology anyway? The Game Boy Advance, yes even the sleek SP model, is sooo 2004. Wake up, and smell the Sony you useless scumbags!



See that? THAT'S the future! We have many many fine games for the Sony PS3 console. Such as Motorstorm and Resistance:Fall Of Man. And Metal Gear Solid 4 is finally released this year! Really!

As such, we will only be stocking the following games for your piece of junk platform:

• Any Pokemon game
• Any Spongebob Squarepants game
• Simpsons Road Rage
• Any game based on The Phantom Menace, Attack Of The Clones or Revenge of the Sith
• Any game based on the Shrek franchise
• World Poker Tour
• Bratz
• Barbie Horse Adventures

We will NOT be stocking EVER AGAIN these following games:

• Any Zelda game
• Any Final Fantasy games
• In fact, ANY RPGs or action-adventure games
• Or, any decent games at all

So don't bother looking for anything to play on your stupid loser Game Boy Advance. And if you're wondering why we don't simply discontinue the sale of ALL GBA games, well it's quite simple: We hate you.

Best wishes,

Australian Game Retailers.


P.S. Losers.