How to become a COP.

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Frustrated by today's busy schedules? Are you sitting in traffic for hours a day wishing you were dead? Does life only hold meaning for you in those few private moments when you scream yourself to sleep? Well, time to change things up a bit. Stress can be a killer. Nobody can handle too much of the stuff and we all need a release. As usual, I have the answer.

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In order to gradually let off some steam in your day, here now is a simple guide to reshaping your life into that of a grizzled, never-plays-by-the-rules COP.

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YOUR LOOK:

First things first, you can't leave the house until you take care of this. Now you've got two options here. Either the straight-laced old school look:

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Or the more relaxed, I-don't-give-a-fuck look:

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YOUR PROFESSIONAL LIFE:

Regardless of where you earn a coin, be it office, garage or clothes shop - your place of business is now your local precinct. And you should treat it as such.

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1. Turn up chain-smoking cigarettes and stinking of whiskey. If anyone takes issue with this, respond by yelling: "Get out of my face, rookie!".

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2. Slam down your telephone receiver every ten minutes and yell 'Goddammit!'.

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3. Burst into your boss's office every so often and yell 'What the fuck is it now?'. This will hopefully go some way to transforming your friendly supervisor into a belligerent police captain-type.

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4. If someone asks you to do something, reply: "Look asshole, I'm busting my hump here" or "I don't have time for this shit" and leave the area.

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5. Complain loudly to anyone who will listen about 'red tape' and 'drowning in bullshit around here' type problems.

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6. Make everyone refer to you as 'Jack' or 'Jimmy'.

YOUR HOME LIFE:

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Your home life is something that should not be pleasant. It should be a distraction. Somewhere to collapse after a hard day dealing with crims, IAD (Internal Affairs Division) and bullshit red tape.

1. If you are married, immediately get a divorce. Treat your significant other like garbage and then a few months down the road, call her up every night at 3am, drunk out of your mind, suggesting you get back together.

2. If you have children, stop conversing with them in every way. If you are forced to talk to them between drinking binges, say only one of these following phrases:

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- "What grade are you in?"

- "You ever seen a gunshot wound?"

- "You want a beer?"

- "Ask your whore of a mother."

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3. When at home, consume alcohol and cigarettes as if they were oxygen. Watching TV, making dinner, eating dinner, on the toilet, in the shower, in bed and even while sleeping are all activites that need to be spiced up by being blind drunk and sporting at least two lit cigarettes.

YOUR STREET LIFE:

As a COP, you need to get out there and hit the streets. It's where any good COP does his best work, not tied to a desk.

1. Go out and buy a red convertible. Once purchased, drive this bad motherfucker around the city streets staring down anyone who looks your way. Also play Jimi Hendrix tapes at full blast 24/7.

2. At least once a day, pull over and grab hold of a junkie or a teenager or a junkie teenager and slam them up against the nearest wall. Before they can protest, yell this in their face:

"So, Sammy/Tommy/Larry you've got some balls, you know that? I thought I made it pretty clear the last time that if I saw you around here again, you'd be going away for a stretch in the Grey Bar Hotel and sharing a cell with a guy named Betty who enjoys calling men 'bitches' while beating them with broom handles? You remember that? Shut the fuck up! You want to go to jail huh? Do you? No? Then you gotta give me something Sammy/Tommy/Larry. You gotta give me a name. Who's your boss huh? He's the one I'm after, not a little piece of shit like you. He's the one selling heroin to kids. You know that don't you? Shut the fuck up!"

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Regardless of whether they actually say anything, force them to hand over their drug/prostitution earnings for the day. This process is called a 'shakedown' and it will be your primary source of income on the streets.

3. If you see any actual real COPS and they question what you're doing, reply with one the following responses:

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- "Hey, I'm on the job here!"

- "I know Harrison over at the two-seven!"

- "What are you, IAD? Go fuck yourself, I got a job to do!"

With these simple tips, you can turn your dull existence into an exciting, no-holds-barred career as a hard-working COP. Just try not to drown in all the bullshit/red tape.