How to test your rose-coloured glasses.

When you are approaching middle-age, you start to allow yourself to reflect on your past more and more. Your childhood becomes a collection of memories laced with happiness, excitement and joy. The 1980s transforms itself into an innocent time of new experiences and warm, comfy nostalgia. Every object and experience you had as a younger person becomes somehow brighter and more enjoyable than their modern-day equivalent. Right?

Wrong.

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All that bullshit can go jump in a lake. Our memory naturally filters out all the crap and leaves the good stuff. And because it is essentially an evil facility in our brain, it even goes so far as to skew the good memories into great ones. So basically, as you remember it, your childhood contained ten to fifteen years of the best days of your life.

Well guess what? You've been swindled. Your childhood was probably contained average to below-average entertainment and glee. The 1980s was a decade filled with government oppression, corporate greed and disgusting fashion. The things you held dear when you were a child were huge clunky turds of little to no importance. I'll explain...

Here now is a series of tests involving a list of things that you probably thought to be 'wicked-awesome' back in the day, but when you stare them dead in the eye in the light of day, they're a primitive mish-mash of crap not even worth setting on fire. And let's begin...

1. THE MOVIE 'BLOODSPORT'

Released in 1988, this breakthrough film for the cocaine-hoovering, wife-beating steroid-conveyance that was Jean Claude Van Damme had everything you could hope for from a film portraying life in Hong Kong's underground deathmatch circuit. In the infamous tournament of Kumite, American soldier Frank Dux competes against a slew of fighters of various sizes and nationalities on his way to conquer the tournament and take the title of 'Hard-As-Nails Motherfucker Who Kicks Much Ass'. But is it as good as you remember? Let's find out...

First test

Your child self:

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Whoa! He looks gnarly. I bet he could kick the crap out of anyone! What are all these Asian dudes in business suits yelling about? Wow! Look at the size of that guy's chest. He's got boobies! Hahaha! Why does that blonde girl keep whinging about Van Damme being hurt? He's not gonna get hurt! He's Van Damme lady! Here's the big chested guy again. He must be the bad guy. Ouch! He just broke that guy's leg! Eww! The bone came out! Watch out Van Damme! Maybe that girl was right. Why did they let a monkey into the tournament? Oh, here we go! Van Damme versus the bad guy! Oh no, he's blinded Van Damme! That cheater! That's not fair! Van Damme must be hurt because he keeps yelling. And yelling. And yelling. Oh wow, he's fighting by feeling. He doesn't need eyes! He's won! Radical! That movie rules!

Your adult self:

Um, so Van Damme is supposed to be American? Riiiight, since I can hardly understand what he's saying, I'll just ignore that bit. Holy shit, is that future Academy Award winner Forest Whitaker? I'm sorry, are we supposed to believe this fat drunken truck driver would stand a chance in this tournament? What the fuck is Van Damme saying? Speak English! It would actually be good if there was a script to this piece of shit. It's just fight after fight after fight... Yeah, okay we get it, Van Damme - you're very good at doing the splits! Are we at least gonna see the blonde girl take her top off? That broken leg was just a bit of balsa wood sticky taped to his shin! Did they spend all of ten bucks on that effect? Why did they let a monkey into the tournament? Here's the final fight then. About time. Christ, could Van Damme scream any more? Every time he moves any part of his body, he's all like 'YAAAARRRRGGHHHH!!!!'. Yeah, right! What bullshit! He wins the tournament blind? God, that movie sucked ass!

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2. THE TV SHOW 'THE A-TEAM'

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'In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... The A-Team.'

And so began the 1983-1986 misadventures of an old codger, a wrestler, a gigolo lounge singer and a mental patient. Or as millions knew them - Smith, Baracus, Face and Murdock. Performing jobs nobody else would do, these four misfits spent every week in car chases, gunfights and generally being bad-ass as humanly possible. But were they 'the shit' or just 'shit'?

Second test

Your child self:

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I wouldn't want to mess with the coloured, I mean...black guy. He looks mean! Cooool! I want that van with the red stripe! That Murdock guy is funny! Yeah, shutup fool! Hahaha! You evil drug dealer dude! Don't mess with The A-Team! Oh wow, this car chase is totally tubular! I wish I want to be one of these guys. I want to join The A-Team! They're so rad! Face better watch out her husband doesn't find out! How old is Hannibal? He looks ninety! Wow, yeah! Shoot that guy Hannibal! Punch that dude out, B.A.! I wonder what they'll be doing next week? I can't wait!

Your adult self:

What? Face and Murdock were Vietnam veterans? Because they look exactly like grizzled ex-soldiers! What a crock of shit. And what the hell to these four fuckups do for money? They can't be fully employed by thinktanks and covert police units 365 days a year! They wouldn't have enough revenue to pay a weeks rent. They're just homeless bums with guns! God, will someone hurry up and shoot someone? You've all got a million firearms but nobody ever gets shot! What's that about? How exactly is B.A. Baracus supposed to be an agile solider with all that shit around his neck? He wouldn't be able to climb a flight of stairs, much less scoot over the hood of a car. The script is terrible! Every week is another drug lord! Bullshit! Cooool! I want that van with the red stripe!

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3. THE VIDEO GAME 'DOUBLE DRAGON'

Otherwise known as 'The Devourer Of 20c Coins'. Street gangs. Street violence. Streets. That's all this game had to offer and it was enough. You and your brother (2-player) had to beat seven shades of shit out of a city full of scumbags in order to prove your manliness to an ineffectual and promiscuous skank who was stupid enough to get kidnapped by a bunch of gangbangers who needed their asses handed to them anyway. Was it worth it?

Third test

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Your child self:

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Oh yeah! I'm gonna beat you good for stealing my girl. Wow! Look how good the graphics are! Yeah, you scum! I'll knee you in the head! Oooh, a baseball bat, now you're in trouble! Aaah, a big guy came through the wall! Ouch, a chick with a whip! Take that, lady! Wow, I'm getting good at this game! Cool! I can climb the ladder and drop down on these guys! Watch out for the dynamite! Nobody can beat me! Bring it on! Oh no! We have to fight each other! Noooo!

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Your adult self:

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What am I looking at? I can't even make out which one of these blocky sprites I'm supposed to be controlling. Speaking of controls, are they meant for Double Dragon players or fucking retards? Okay, here's some bitch with a whip. Ah, she hit me! Ah, she hit me! You bitch, come here! Ah, she hit me! So, there's only three moves for this game! Oh wait a minute - elbow, elbow, elbow, elbow, elbow, elbow. Okay, there's a bridge with a gap in the middle, I'll just jump over - fuck! I fell in the river. Let's try again. And jump - fuck! Jump - fuck! Jump over the bridge you usless prick! Fuck! FUCK! I hate my life! I'd rather be dead than subject myself to any more of this torture! Here, look at this! It's not so funny when I've got a gun now is it? Goodbye cruel world! BLAM!