Thursday, February 28, 2008

How to save the human race: A simple guide


So, in about 7 billion years the big ball of orange hotness we call The Sun will go supernova and planets Mercury, Venus, Mars and our own little Earth will be destroyed. Cheery thought. Our first instinct is to think one of two things:

  • Surely we'll all be advanced enough to leave Planet Earth and
    colonise other planets in other galaxies by then.

  • Who gives a toss? It's 7 billion years away. There's more important things to think about. Like, what's the deal with that four-toed statue in 'Lost'?

Yes, its true. 7 billion years is a very long time and we'll no doubt be destroyed by something else before then (global warming, nanomachines, zombie apocalypse - fingers crossed) but we should be doing something now so we can actually survive longer than the dinosaurs.

Here now is a straightforward guide on how we, as a race of semi-intelligent beings, can upgrade from McFlurry-slurping mongs to cosmic Gods.

Step 1: Force an asteroid to hit the Earth.

I know, I know. A strange way to start. Why would we want to potentially endanger our safety to save ourselves? I'll explain. I'm not talking about a global killer here, Lord no. Just a relatively small chunk of rock that has the capacity to wipe out millions of people. Let's say, a few hundred million. Asteroids pass the Earth all the time. Pick out a good one (smaller than the size of Texas) and fire rockets and ICBMs at it to change its trajectory and set it on a collision course with home. Once it hits and decimates almost a third of the population, we can get started on a plan of action. This might sound the like ramblings of a Bond villian but think about it, would you even vaguely be interested in the name of Nicole Ritchie's baby if Canada no longer existed? If the top half of Europe was a stinking crater, you would probably hesitate sending that vote in for So You Think You Can Dance.

Humans would be given a much needed kick in the pants. Our motto would instantly change from 'Christ, That Posh Beckham Is A Slag' to 'Here's All My Money, Mr Science Guy!'.

Step 2: Pool all of the survivors money together and blow up the Moon.

In 1977, NASA sent a Voyager probe into space containing a couple of phonograph records which included sounds and images meant to portray life on Earth to any extraterrestrial intelligence that might stumble across it. And guess what? Nobody gives a shit. In 2020, Voyager will run out of power and it will be 40,000 years before it even gets close to another star if it keeps travelling under its current momentum.

Time to take it up a notch.

If a tiny little probe won't attract any attention, then a massive interstellar explosion will no doubt garner some looks from any sentient beings wandering about the universe. If not, then we're screwed, but let's not dwell on that outcome.

No human being has set foot on the moon since 1972 and nobody is planning on returning until 2018. No big loss. We'll need a lot of TNT to make that sucker go boom, but considering the amount of explosives we've dropped on each other over the years I'm sure we'll have a few warheads left over. And design the explosion not to blow back any moon rocks on us. The asteroid was enough.

Step 3: Explain what the hell we're doing.

This will be the hard part. Here's hoping the alien beings that respond to the moon's destruction aren't hostile. If they are on the other hand, peaceful, then we've got some explaining to do. When they rock up and ask 'What's the deal-yo?', we have to immediately respond with a white flag.

"Yes, we were quite fond of that old mistress called WAR but now we see the error of our ways. That asteroid really kicked our arse and we are no longer interested in blowing anyone up. Except the moon of course."

We have to beg and plead for their understanding that we really want to change and adopt a new way of living. Hopefully they'll listen instead frying our brains or something.

Step 4: Hitch a ride.

After our grovelling, hopefully the techologically-advanced creatures will look upon us with some pity. Or perhaps we'll make friends with them, but considering our track record in meeting people who look different from us, that outcome isn't too likely. If all things go well, they'll take us with them (on spaceships, not by arsenic-laced carrot juice) and we can explore the universe to truly become larger than ourselves and discover an existence that by all accounts, should be sweet.


  1. Interesting theory...buttttt....

    If we blow up the Moon, won't that fuck up the Earth (you know - tides being dependant on the gravitational pull of the moon and all that)?

    Surely any halfway advanced alien race would look at us and think "'s a bunch of knobs that have just blown up their moon". We'll become the crazy old man next door that likes to pull up his gardens for no reason at all. Would you go and visit that crazy old man? I don't think so...Blowing up the moon could be one sure way of making sure aliens don't come and visit us!


  2. I think the bigger problem would be from the fragments of what used to be the moon when they impact the earth, thereby wiping out the rest of the population. Good plan, fucknuts.