Filthy-rich junkie rock star: Your child's preferred career.

When you're a parent, obviously you try your best to steer your bundle of joy into a successful career. Be it doctor, lawyer or internet billionaire, parents want the most secure job that the child can get. Well, guess what? Your child doesn't give a shit. When they're young, if your child ever looks like this:




Then they want their future work day to look like this:



No, don't try and fight it. The battle is already lost. The only choice you have left is to make sure your offspring does it correctly. For every Mick Jagger, there's a thousand Fred Dursts.

So, what can you do? A few things.

INSTRUMENTS

First off, make sure the child is on the right track. If they're wanting to pick up a bass guitar or fiddle with a keyboard, berate them heavily for at least two hours. Like this:

"Seriously, what on earth were you thinking? A bass guitar! Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Why don't you just stab me in the heart while you're at it! Bass guitars are for losers. You wanna be a loser your whole life? Do you? And why were you looking at that keyboard? Only underachievers and men called Mary play keys! Come here while I pinpoint exactly how you've disappointed me."

MUSICAL ABILITY

At this point, any thoughts of being a follower should be jettisoned from your child's mind. They should only be a leader. And for that, they require surprisingly little equipment.

- a microphone
- a guitar (optional)
- contempt for everything apart from booze, hard drugs and 'bitches'.

What your child WON'T need is the following:

- talent
- songwriting ability
- common sense
- a personality

These things are unnecessary and only slow them down on the road to superstardom. You may argue that only talented musicians last for decades. You may have been correct in 1978, but nowadays, you don't even require a soul to be successful.

SUPERFICIAL ADD-ONS

This is the most important stage. If the child is between the ages of 10-15, introduce them to hard drugs. Cocaine is preferable or perhaps speed. It's too early for heroin, but don't worry we'll get to that. The key thing here is for the child to develop a raging addiction in their early years and then STOP. Stopping is the most important part. Why is this? Because years from now, this line will be in their biography.

Developed a drug addiction at age 13.

Pretty impressive, no? You're damn right it will be.

As far as on-stage clothing is concerned, less is more. If your child is wearing more than two pieces of clothing, it's because they are insecure and gutless. Case in point:



See that? They're even wearing ties for Christ's sake! Did Jim Morrison wear a tie? Does Iggy Pop wear anything but crusty jeans? No and no.

If you child wishes to be a children's cover band singer, then beat that notion out of them quick smart. Preferably while drunk on whiskey or cheap wine. Why? I'll tell you why...

Suffered abuse at the hands of an alcoholic parent.

Pretty impressive, no? You're damn right it will be.

A 'conversation' with 'Roisin Murphy'

Thanks a lot. Now I have to venture out into the world and mingle among the plethora of nightmares called 'people' because you decided to play at The Tivoli. Dammit, couldn't you just play at my house? I've got a pretty decent size yard and plenty of powerboards. It isn't too much to ask is it? I'm not saying cancel the Tivoli show but maybe just add 'Rayfield's Front Yard' to your tour schedule. I know you've played some weird places and considering just how supremely odd you are yourself, I thought that maybe you would consider it.

Oh.

Oh, I see. Not too keen on that idea huh? Well, okay then. Yeah, I suppose it was kind of a silly request.

I could make it worth your while you know. You could use the storage cupboard under the stairs as your dressing room and I think I've got some Nescafe Gold in the kitchen.

No you're right. Stupid me. I mean why would you want to perform such a selfless act? I haven't even gone out and bought your latest album 'Overpowered'; what kind of fan does that make me?

Although I did champion 'Ruby Blue' y'know. Wrote a rave review for it and it was my album of the year. But no, of course you wouldn't conciously lose money on your tour just for little old me. I didn't even like Moloko all that much.

Fine. I'll go see your show. Just as long as you promise to wear one of those wacky outfits of yours.

Yeah, one like that.

If only we could all be a little more like Lou Rawls

<- See this man in the hat here? This is Lou Rawls. He was born in the 30s and he died a couple of years back. He released over 70 albums and did plenty of charity work throughout his life. And I'll be damned if his 1977 song 'See You When I Get There' isn't one of the most cheerful and wonderful pieces of funk ever recorded. It's one of those VERY rare tracks that makes you remember why music was invented in the first place. The lyrics are simple and straight to the point - detailing how Rawls has just finished work and calls the woman he's in love with to tell her he's on his way home. It sounds like any other day of the week but he's excited to come home to his woman who, as Rawls describes it, is "ready for good loving". That phrase may teter on the brink of cliche but his baritone delivery convinces me that it's a matrimonial reality rather than a bachelor's dream.

Sure, we've all got problems in our lives. Bills to pay, people to please, work to do, clothes to wash, food to cook and dreams to accomplish. Rawls' music allows all these troublesome things to fade into the background for a few minutes. I'm well past the point of gushing over musicians just because they can command an audience or sell some records so the fact that I'm even thinking about this music after I switch it off is simply monumental. His tunes make you believe this world is pretty damn good.

Lou Rawls, I salute you.

We all need time to relax. Some people do yoga, some people shoot themselves in the head. Instead of all this rubbish, track down Rawls' Greatest Hits as soon as possible.