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2009-12-07T18:56:00.002+10:00

http://preparationsforbirth.wordpress.com

Some changes are required...

2009-11-26T12:59:00.006+10:00

I have decided that this blog needs some sort of re-tooling.

In recent times it has become rather stale, with me simply posting trailers with the accompanying "Dude, look how awesome this looks!". Perhaps unsurprisingly, this became boring quite quickly.

I'll get back to you.

To keep you occupied in the meantime, here's the front and back cover of Macho Man Randy Savage's 2003 rap album 'Be A Man' for you to look at. I've never listened to it myself but it looks pretty good.

Early impressions of...Tekken 6, DJ Hero.

2009-11-17T18:15:00.015+10:00

Even though there are many games out there on shelves that I have little to no interest in, I'm always interested to play them. Be it downloadable demos, games I don't own or in-store displays, I'm up for anything.

TEKKEN 6 (played on PS3)

Just to preface this, I was a mad keen Tekken player back in the day. Hwaorang was my dude of choice and I took him to the many heights and lows that Tekken 3 on the PS1 would allow. Since then, my interest in the King of Iron Fist Tournament had gradually waned with each installment of the franchise. But number six is the first entry to land on current generation consoles, I decided to check it out.

And holy fuck, nothing has changed.

I picked Hwoarang out of the forty-two character select screen (just to illustrate how big this roster is, there are two Armor Kings) and was surprised that he hadn't changed since the late nineties. Still rocking the forehead goggles and leather chaps, it was something of a comfort to see the orange-haired biker who hasn't aged a day looking up at me with the same ol' attitude that won me over those many years ago.

Yep. Still awesome.

I entered the standard Arcade Mode and was pitted against another old-timey character, Panda. Now, if you had asked me a week ago how to perform moves and grabs in Tekken, I would not have known where to start. But as soon as I had that Playstation controller in my hand, my thumbs knew what to do. Seriously, I had no recollection of any combination of buttons. Somewhere in the deep recesses of my memory, the moves came flooding back almost immediately. Straight away, my fingers somehow knew that pressing triangle and circle together executed a throw. I was blown away that I could remember such things considering I hadn't touched a Tekken game in years.

Long story short, I kicked Panda's arse in two rounds. Granted, I played hundred of hours of Tekken 3 back in the day so that may have helped me. Hwoarang was exactly the same as I remember him. KICK, KICK, KICK, KICK change stance, KICK, KICK. I have to say I enjoyed myself but was really disappointed at how stale the game seemed. Yes, I only played one round but Namco Bandai aren't exactly shouting from the rooftops about how they've redesigned the shit out of Tekken. All I got from number 6 is that it was 3 with better graphics. And, hasn't that been the case with every damn Tekken?

DJ HERO (played on Xbox 360)

When I first heard about Activision's attempt to translate their billion-dollar Guitar Hero franchise into the world of DJing, it was obviously a money grab. While I didn't care less about DJing in general (anymore), I couldn't see the concept of a DJing game being anything but awful. Then they released shots of the turntable controller. It looked, quite simply, like the dumbest thing ever. I started picturing nothing but a sad loser, sitting alone in his underwear with his stupid toy turntable playing his stupid DJ game, looking all stupid.

Like so.

Then I played it. And you know what, it's kinda fun.

The crux of the songs featured are mash-ups. Yes, I was like you in rolling my eyes. The mash-up in itself is so tired it couldn't be revived no matter what. I fired up the menu screen and was suddenly thrown into a track. It was a mix of Marvin Gaye's I Heard It On The Grapevine and Gorillaz' Feel Good Inc. I quickly grabbed hold of the turntable with my right hand and the cross-fader with my left.

I looked almost as 2002 as this dude.

I had no idea what to do with the crossfader but everything seemed to be pretty straightforward and...pretty enjoyable. Holding down the blue (x) button on the turntable while scratching when prompted was actually rewarding when I managed to pull it off correctly. I played through the entire track and scored a pitiful one star for my efforts but it opened my eyes a little to what the possibilities of this game could be. Perhaps I might pick it up sometime next year on the cheap. Because right now it's upwards of $130.

People enjoy shooting other people in the face.

2009-11-15T20:27:00.003+10:00

As seen on the multiplayer menu of Modern Warfare 2. Wow. I'm one of them and I'll be sure to report on my experiences soon right here on this blog. But not just yet.

Seriously, go to hell EB Games.

2009-11-13T15:32:00.008+10:00

If you can't make it out, it says Mario Kart DS - NEW: $58.95, PREOWNED $64.92.

Bully 2 in development?

2009-11-12T22:10:00.007+10:00

Back in the heady days of the Ps2, Rockstar Games released a little game called Bully (also known as Canis Canem Edit). And it was fantastic in pretty much every way. Getting to class on time actually mattered at Bullworth Academy. You wanted to learn art and chemistry (and frustrating english), in between escorting nerds, punching jocks and learning jujitsu from a homeless dude. And it was a scathing microcosm of modern day USA.

Take that, conservative America!

Well, there may be a sequel in development. Musician Shawn Lee, who delivered the wonderful score for the first Bully, was interviewed recently. When asked whether he would be scoring any other games, he replied "Yes, it looks like I will be doing the soundtrack for Bully 2 in the not so distant future...".

Naturally, Rockstar Games went into damage control and issued a statement: "We do not comment on rumour or speculation", which is the standard response when you aren't ready to announce the game you have in development. And basically translates to "Dude, shutup".

I'm up for a Bully sequel. They gave the first one a port on the Xbox 360, but from all reports it was rather broken. Riddled with game-crashing bugs, Rockstar released a patch or two, which in turn, made the game worse. To see that properly realised in a sequel? Sign me up. The continuing adventures of Jimmy Hopkins sounds fine by me.

No take that, conservative America!

The 10th of November...mark it.

2009-11-10T22:47:00.007+10:00

Two important events happened today.

IMPORTANT EVENT 1:

I picked up a copy of Modern Warfare 2 early this morning for $82 at Big W.

IMPORTANT EVENT 2:

Ice-T picked up his Prestige Edition of the game (complete with night vision goggles) a few hours later in New York.

Now if you'll excuse us, Ice and I have to go back to shooting dudes in the face.

Venezuela, a fate worse than Australia.

2009-11-09T18:55:00.009+10:00

For years, Australians in the video game community have lamented the outdated, ignorant laws in this country that continue to ban and censor games as a result of the viewpoints of outdated, ignorant people.

But let's look at the positives for a change. At least we don't live in Venezuela. Last week, a law was passed in the South American country to effectively ban all violent video games. Not just ones that conflict with extremist religious beliefs, but all violent video games. This law will go into effect in three months and carries severe penalties of three to five years prison for each of the following offenses:

- Sale of a video game.

- Production of a video game.

- Importation of a video game.

Campaigns have apparently also been launched throughout the country to warn people of the dangers of video games.

Man, that sucks kinda hard. As much as Australia seems to always get the short end of the stick, at least we get most games on our shelves. I played the demo for Left 4 Dead 2 the other night, and was disgusted by the editing that was forced upon the developers by Australia's archaic laws. A zombie game with no blood, and on top of that, the zombies' bodies disappear pretty much immediately after shooting them. Seriously, it was like playing a Commodore 64 game or something.

Left 4 Dead 2 - International Version.

Left 4 Dead 2 - Australian version.

But we still get ninety percent of our violent games freely. Even if I wanted the unedited version of Left 4 Dead 2 and ordered it from overseas, I wouldn't be thrown it jail for it. So next time you are bitching and moaning (like I enjoy doing) about being treated like children by your government, spare a thought for the poor Venezuelan.

Also, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has access to these guys and they look like the wrong people to fuck with.

Mass Effect 2 like a motherfucker.

2009-11-07T22:55:00.004+10:00

Even though we are right in the nexus of the holiday release season, there won't be such a long break in between awesome games next year. As soon as January hits, the games keep coming. One such game is Mass Effect 2, which is set to drop on January 29.

A whole slew of details have been thrown out by developer Bioware and oh boy, it looks the goods. First of all, they've revealed a collector's edition of the game.

That's some pretty sweet box art.

Let's go through what it's got for a price of $119.95:

- Tin case

- 48-page hardcover art book 'The Art Of Mass Effect 2'

- Issue 1 of comic 'Mass Effect: Redemption

- Behind the scenes DVD

- Unlockable armour and weapons

- The game (obviously)

Now, I'm not entirely sure about this edition. For a couple of reasons. One, I'm not exactly fussed on its contents all that much. Two, and this is the worst part, it will be distributed in Australia...exclusively...through EB games.

Yeah, you heard me.

Anyway, even if you couldn't care less about the collector's edition, Bioware have released a couple of videos to get you all excited for January. The first one features the new types of enemies you'll encounter. The second video, however, is jam-packed with awesome gameplay and the return of one of my favourite characters. Enjoy.

The final Modern Warfare 2 trailer...hot damn.

2009-11-06T18:04:00.006+10:00

Unless you're living in a cave on Pluto, in a hole in the ground, and dead, then you will no doubt be aware of Modern Warfare 2 being released on Tuesday the 10th.

Developer Infinity Ward has dropped the last trailer to sell you the game before its release. And to be quite honest...holy fucking shit. If this trailer doesn't get you pumped up to shoot dudes in the face then you sir, have a week-old turd where you heart should be.

CONSIDER ME SOLD.

There's wrong and there's wrong and then there's this.

2009-11-03T19:21:00.013+10:00

For those regular readers of this blog, you will no doubt be aware of my low opinion of shovelware-type games made for sub-normal morons such as the Imagine series from Ubisoft.

A publisher from Italy is one such culprit. 505 Games, based in Milan, have slapped their names on a bunch of crap in the past. They are rumoured to be involved in developing a game based on Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps. This game detailed below however, is closer to their modus operandi. And before you ask, I've actually seen this thing in shops.

Fighting Angels for the PS2. 'Catfighters' scratching each others eyes out. Quotes from the back of the box include: "Watch the Sexy Gauge rise and when it hits the top, unleash the Sexy Dance!" and "Unlock new outfits when you complete the game several times!".

Here's a closer look at this piece of shit.

Anyway, for this game alone, 505 Games should be sent straight to hell but it seems they want to anger me even more before they start to taste sulphur. Next month sees the release of Baby And Me, a brand new game for the Wii. And only Australia gets the pleasure of the special edition of the game - which comes with a fucking baby.

The standard 'wrong' edition.

The special 'Oh Jesus, fucking kill it!' edition.

That's right folks. Take your Wii remote and attach it to this doll. No more shitty Mario Kart steering wheel for you Australia! You and you alone are the only country in the world to get this awesomely terrifying special edition bonus. Features include (I'm not joking here):

Your baby reacts by giggling, gurgling or crying through the Wii remote

Ten Baby Mode games including feed baby & send baby to sleep

Eight Play Mode games including rattle, catch, clap & balloons

Balance Board support: rock baby to sleep, burp baby, teach baby to walk

Customise baby with new clothes, accessories and playrooms

So then, 505 games, are you happy with yourself? Do you spout off this evil in meetings and then go kiss your children with the same mouth? Every time you look at that baby peripheral, I bet somewhere in the back of your mind, you want to bring it fresh humans for sustenance don't you?

Games of November - Part 2

2009-11-03T13:42:00.011+10:00

The more I look at November, the more I realise there's WAY more games coming out than I previously thought. Partly thanks to games being delayed, others I've totally forgotten about. I can already hear my wallet beginning to strain..

GHOSTBUSTERS (Xbox 360)

Attention Australian Ghostbusters fans! Remember this? Yes, the PS3 and PS2 versions have been on shelves since July and now you can play it on your 360! Thanks to Sony exclusively distributing the game outside the US, it basically meant that Sony threw a bunch of money around to deny 360 owners from playing the game until the week before Modern Warfare 2 is released, when nobody will buy it. But I will.

I played the demo recently,

(http://preparations4birth.blogspot.com/2009/10/ghostbusters-early-impressions.html)

and it was pretty damn good. Granted, I won't buy it until later in the year but I'll manage to bust some ghosts before too long.

Release date: November 6.

TEKKEN 6 (Xbox 360, PS3, PSP)

Hey! It's the King of Iron Fist Tournament 6! Yep, Namco Bandai are still making Tekken games and this one is based on the arcade...that was first released in Japan in 2007. This home version is based on an updated build of the arcade game called Tekken 6: Bloodline Rebellion, with new stages and characters. And from what I've seen of it...it's Tekken alright. One point in particular - the animation of a character arching his back in pain when he is knocked down is still in there. I remember that being in Tekken four games ago! That said, Hwoarang is still wearing leather chaps so there is something to be said for stagnant irrelevance. Burn on you, Namco Bandai!

Release date: November 5.

ASSASSIN'S CREED 2 (Xbox 360, PS3)

Despite my previous reservations about the first game (snore!), I'm actually really excited for this sequel. The ability to swim, two blades, a wrist gun, Da Vinci supplying you weapons, stabbing dudes...actually stabbing dudes is the thing that's going to bring me back to the Assassin's Creed franchise. Ubisoft have apparently taken all the criticisms of the first game to heart and made this one more awesome. Hopefully, it pans out and I won't be collecting flags all over again.

Release date: November 19.

LEFT 4 DEAD 2 (Xbox 360)

The Australian version is the censored, gimped, made-for-toddlers, government-approved version. Don't play into the hands of the Office of Film and Literature Classification, but instead import your copy from an online overseas retailer. Unless you want to be someone who is on the same level as Nazi sympathiser in terms of evilness, don't buy the Australian version. Rumour has it that the developers, Valve, might patch all the awesomeness back into the Aussie version after launch but don't count on it. Oh, apparently the game is about zombies or something...

Release date: November 17.

So there's November for you. Plenty of incredible games to go out and buy. So get to it!

Games of November - Part 1.

2009-11-01T20:24:00.011+10:00

The last important month of the year has arrived and it even though a few select titles were pushed back until next year, there's still plenty to sink your teeth into in November...

DRAGON AGE: ORIGINS (Xbox 360, PS3, PC)

Before the arrival of Mass Effect 2 in February, developer Bioware have been busy in their Edmonton studios with another RPG of theirs, Dragon Age: Origins. Described as a 'dark heroic fantasy', this medieval action-adventure seems to be all about the old school RPG. Swords, shields, mages, ugly-as-fuck enemies called Darkspawn and tons and tons of blood. I'm equally excited and frightened by this game. Excited because I haven't played a decent medieval RPG since Oblivion. Frightened because Bioware say a typical run through of this game will take '80-100 hours'. Holy shit.

Release date: November 5.

MODERN WARFARE 2 (Xbox 360, PS3, PC)

Naturally, this one's a given. The build-up and expectation for this game has reached insane levels. Why is that? Mostly because of the multiplayer. Sure the single player campaign is shaping up to be amazing (Washington DC in flames etc.), but the real anticipation lies in the online features. New perks, kill streaks, death streaks and hell of a lot more guarantees I'll be picking up this game on day one. I'm still searching for Ice T and no doubt he'll be playing this one so I'll be sure to post a story if I ever manage to shoot him in the face.

Release date: November 10.

NEW SUPER MARIO BROS. WII (Wii)

Despite the rather clunky name, this game represents the first true side-scrolling Mario game on a console in ages. Taking its name and basic gameplay from the incredible 2006 New Super Mario Bros. for the DS, this updated version adds four-player action, propeller suits, penguins suits and of course, the best thing about a Mario game, the appearance of Yoshi. If I had a Wii, I would go out and buy this one immediately but I guess it will just have to wait until some time next year. EB Games has a pre-order bonus of a cool looking red Mario cap so...fuck EB Games.

Release date: November 12.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Modern Warfare 2 is around the corner.

2009-10-31T06:52:00.004+10:00

Folks, the most anticipated game of the year, Modern Warfare 2, is out in a week and a half. I'm totally excited and unless you have some sort of black gooey mass where your soul should be, you probably are too.

It looks as if Activision has hooked up with mega-national department store chain Wal-Mart and is releasing a series of ads for the game. You should expect to see more of this sort of stuff in the coming days...

Nintendo announce new, huge DS.

2009-10-29T22:08:00.012+10:00

Bought a DSi this year did you? Well, I would suggest you don't read on for fear of an outburst of violence.

At a press conference in Tokyo today, Nintendo announced another iteration on their stupidly-successful handheld platform. This counts as four now - The DS, DS Lite, DSi and now...

The DSi LL, they're calling it.

Apparently it's for the elderly gamer. Which makes sense I guess, considering the fucking massive 4.2 inch screen.

Here's a comparison. The current model DSi is in white, the new DSi LL in its stylish 'Wine Red' colour. Check out the size of that second stylus! Yeah, it comes with two!

It's coming out in Japan on November 21 with Europe (and presumably Australia) in early 2010. The price point is rumoured to be more expensive than the current DSi.

Frankly, I couldn't care less. Bigger screen? Meh. I just bought my awesome red limited edition Mario DS Lite so I'll be fine for a long while yet. No DSi LL for me thanks.

No, sorry Nintendo. I won't be buying it no matter how many stylish colours you come out with.

Oh, you fucking bastards.

UPDATE: Apparently, when this thing launches in Europe, it will be renamed the DSi XL. That's little strange. I'm starting to think this is less for old people and more for overweight people. Hopefully, there will be an option in The Legend Of Zelda: Spirit Tracks where you can mash the buttons with your palm because your fingers are too fat.

Am I suddenly interested in Assassin's Creed 2?

2009-10-27T22:17:00.007+10:00

In 2007, I was super excited for Ubisoft's medieval stealth killing adventure game, Assassin's Creed. I bought the thing hoping for an experience beyond reproach, what I got was a slightly disappointing bunch of repetitive missions wrapped up in a very nice looking package. Apart from being able to stab annoying beggars who ask you for money, the highlights of this game were few and far between for me.

A gold coin? Sure, I've got it here somewh-STAB!

That said, they've made a sequel. So why do I suddenly care? Well, apparently they've fixed a lot of the issues of the first game. Way more variety in the missions, side-missions, characters, weapons and general vibe of the game make this seem like what the first game should have been. Set in the Italian Renaissance in the 15th century, the player takes the role of Ezio, a dude who has trained his whole life to be a professional killing machine.

Like this, but with less gay.

I don't want to get ahead of myself here, but I'm very interested in what they've done. Apparently a young Leonardo Da Vinci helps you out with a few weapons so that's sounds pretty awesome to me. Regardless of all that, they're starting to put a rather large marketing effort before this game ahead of its November release. Take this first part of a short movie for instance. It's called Assassin's Creed: Lineage, it's been done by the studio who did visual effects for Sin City and for a internet-based prequel to a video game, it's pretty fucking amazing.

A charming little adventure.

2009-10-27T19:04:00.025+10:00

While I spend my days waiting for Borderlands (tomorrow's the day!), I decided to have a look around the latest releases for Xbox Live Arcade. I've bought a few games in the past (Braid, Shadow Complex, Streets Of Rage 2), but last week a new title caught my eye: Axel & Pixel.

That's Axel with the beard and blue pants.

What is essentially a point-and-click adventure/photo hunt game, this enchanting little jaunt sees Axel the painter living in his mountaintop cabin with his dog, Pixel. After sitting down in his favourite chair after a hard day's painting, he and his best friend relax without a care in the world. And then a purple rat appears and activates a record player which sucks Axel & Pixel into another world. Yes, the premise is a bit weird but take a minute to think about some other classic games and how wacky their intro is...

Yeah, you obtuse fucks know what I'm talking about.

So I plonked down 800 Microsoft points ($12) and downloaded it. A total of 24 chapters (single-screen levels) including three action levels (car, boat, hot-air balloon) awaited me but the gameplay wasn't the highlight. It is the charm of it all. Slovakian developer Silver Wish Games have crafted a great fantasy tale with basically no dialogue. Axel speaks in gibberish, his only actual words are either "Yippee!" or "Oh yeah!" when he celebrates the completion of a puzzle. The objective of the game is to hunt down that rat who has the only key that will get your back to the real world.

Pixel gets kidnapped by a dragonfly at one point. Told you it was weird.

Anyway, in these times of a lot of games being based around shooting dudes in the face, it's refreshing that for less than fifteen bucks, you can be transported to a beautiful art-laden world of dreams for a few hours and enjoy every minute of it.

Now, back to shooting dudes in the face.

More like PSP Stop, am I right?

2009-10-20T21:22:00.007+10:00

Well, it was pretty obvious this was going to happen but now we have some numbers to prove it. The PSP Go has officially tanked in Australia.

About to gather dust like a motherfucker.

The Sydney Morning Herald released some Sony sales figures and it failed to sell more than 1000 units in its first week on the shelf. I did my own research into some comparison figures and found that the launch of the Nintendo DSi managed to shift 30,000 units in its first ten days in Australia.

No big surprise considering their gameplan. Firstly, it's a PSP. The handheld was released in 2004 and since then, sales have been steadily declining. Sony's solution to this problem was to re-release it as the PSP Go in 2009, with a smaller screen and make it download-only. And then slap a $450 price tag on the damn thing.

Seriously, Zardoz makes more fucking sense.

Honestly, it's a shame. Because in a vacuum, the PSP Go is pretty awesome. The sleek look paired with the interface and functionality actually work. But place it the real world up against every other gadget and doo-dad on the market and it instantly becomes dead on a toilet. In addition to that, can you think of five PSP games you're really dying to play? And while you're thinking about that, discount any games that are remakes or versions of pre-existing PS2 games...

Yeah. There's your problem. Expecting Australians to pay almost half a grand on that? When you can outlay $50 more and buy an actual full-blown Playstation fucking 3? Good Christ, I'm surprised it sold one unit.

HD movies right there on my Xbox.

2009-10-19T21:05:00.008+10:00

For years since the launch of the Xbox 360, Australians have pretty much gotten the shaft when it comes to all of the online features that the console has to offer. Well, some of that is about to change it seems. This November, they'll be rolling out the new Xbox 360 update. Amongst other things, it will add Facebook and Twitter to the main dashboard.

So this is what the damn kids are into now?

But that is not nearly the most exciting part. Australia will now, finally, receive movies on the dashboard. Full-blown high-definition 1080p resolution blockbusters streaming down your internet tube for the whole family to enjoy.

Hopefully, this family favourite will be available for repeated viewing.

The Xbox 360 Video Marketplace will be phased out and replaced with the Zune Marketplace. The Zune being Microsoft's version of the iPod, it looks like they are trying to get that brand name out in front of people worldwide. I don't care what they are shoving in front of me, as long as HD movies come with it. Naturally, with Microsoft being the money-hungry bastards they usually are, this is apparently only for Gold subscribers, so you better pony up some cash if you want to be part of this business. And if it all works right, why wouldn't you?

Say hi to VHS for me, dude.

The reason to finally buy a Wii this November.

2009-10-17T17:20:00.003+10:00

2010: The Year We Make Contact...With Awesome!

2009-10-17T06:36:00.006+10:00

This year's Q4 release season is already underway (man, Borderlands comes out next week!) and it is more than enough to keep any respectable person busy through until December. But thanks to all the delays we had in the last few months, the release schedule for early 2010 is shaping up to be even more incredible. Here's a few announced shelf dates that should get your motor running...

DARK VOID - January 15, 2010

MASS EFFECT 2 - January 29, 2010

BIOSHOCK 2 - February 9, 2010

SPLINTER CELL: CONVICTION - February 23, 2010

We're just dealing with actual confirmed release dates here but there a whole bunch more of amazing titles that are set to drop sometime in the first half of 2010. Such as:

RED DEAD REDEMPTION - Sometime between Feb and June 2010

HEAVY RAIN - early 2010

ALAN WAKE - March 2010

MAX PAYNE 3 - between March and June 2010

Paying the cost to be the boss.

2009-10-16T15:07:00.009+10:00

In these troubled times of daily stress, uncertainty and general financial concern, you need to know you can shoot dudes in the face at the push of a button. I know I do and recently, I made this endeavour much easier to enjoy.

Toying on and off with upping my Xbox Live membership to Gold status, I just set it up for the next three months (thanks to the pre-paid card that came with my hard drive). But in the past I've had the console in an awkward position as a result of being a slave to the ethernet cord. Well, no more shall I be chained down by the outdated technology of yesteryear, I've gone wireless baby!

BOOMSHAKALAKA!

First things first, I know for a fact I'm getting screwed by Microsoft by shelling out for this wireless network adapter. The thing retails at $129.95 and I can tell you now, there ain't $129.95 worth of parts inside it. Anyway, Big W came to the rescue and had a sale on numerous Xbox 360 accessories and kindly dropped the price of the adapter down to $108. Not a huge saving but to hell with it, Microsoft aren't going to cheapen it any further any time soon.

I got the adapter home but before I could start capping fools around the world with my assault rifle, the console didn't recognise that the adapter was plugged in. After a few calls to Microsoft, it turned out that the adapter was faulty. How about that shit? The only fucking adapter that I ever buy and it's a piece of crap. Unlucky or what?

Yeah Riker, you know what I'm saying.

Anyway, I took it back to Big W and the sales girl very kindly made sure that the new adapter she gave in exchange was from a different batch. I took the new one home and BOOYAH it worked just fine. All I had to do was search for my own wireless network and before you could say 'Eat bullet, motherfucker!', I had plenty of motherfuckers eating my bullets.

DISCLAIMER: While I may talk a lot of talk about my face-shooting skills in the war-torn world of Call Of Duty 4: Modern Warfare, I'm actually not that good. But when I take down some dude with a gamertag of ikilledu16 after he's killed me ten times in a row, you better believe I'm punching the air with my fist. Naturally, I feel the need to relay that type of feeling here.

Hitting cops in the face with chains is still fun.

2009-10-12T18:13:00.007+10:00

Intrepid readers of this blog may remember my quest to reclaim part of my childhood via the Sega Megadrive. If not, check it:

http://preparations4birth.blogspot.com/2009/08/reclaiming-world-of-sega.html

Last week, I said 'peace two fingers' to the annoying RF cable and got myself an AV cable specifically designed for the Megadrive 2 from a dude on Ebay. Much easier in every way, I just had to plug the red, white and yellow plugs into the AV outlets and away I went. Everything worked fine. I grabbed the nearest cartridge and fired it up.

Nothing. A black screen. Then something in my far-reaching memory banks triggered and I yanked the cartridge out of the console and blew on it a couple of times. It's an early-nineties magic trick that still works to this day. I then fell into a wonderful world of blast processing and 16 bit action.

This is Road Rash 2. Basically, you're a motorbike rider who makes money racing motorbikes so you can buy more awesome motorbikes. Every other rider is out to get you. Whether it be via fist, foot, baton or chain, the 12 other people in every race (and the police) want you dead. This is the key thing that makes Road Rash so enjoyable. The technology of the Megadrive doesn't present the riders as anything but blank avatars that look exactly the same. But thanks to a mechanic that displays the closest rider's name on the screen somehow gives them more personality than any pointless backstory could.

That's you in the red. You can put your own name in the field where it says 'Neil'. Apart from that, this screenshot is pretty much a snapshot of a race I had a couple of days ago. That's Natasha on the left. I fed that bitch some serious chain.

There's so much crazy depth that still surprises the hell out of me with this game. When somebody knocks you off your bike, you have complete control over your rider on foot. Running back to your overturned bike could have been a simple automated animation but it adds another layer when you have to avoid other bikes and speeding cars to get back in the race.

The fact that this game even has a bike shop is amazing. Looking through the catalogue and seeing the red Diablo for $30,000 is something I remember doing when I was sixteen. I never bought the thing back then. That discrepancy is about to be rectified.

Serious Sam returns.

2009-10-10T14:00:00.004+10:00

Years ago, before the Xbox, Ps3 and the Wii, there was this dude called Sam. And he was serious.

Well, not really. He shot at aliens, skeleton horses and headless screaming guys with bombs for hands. It was dumb but one hell of a good time. And now he's back.

Rumoured to be hitting Xbox Live Arcade and PC later this month, you can only imagine the online co-op goodness a high-def Sam adventure could entail.

Behold this fucking insane trailer...

Early impressions of...Ghostbusters.

2009-10-09T17:44:00.009+10:00

Thanks to Sony and their mountains made of cash money, Australia is only now approaching a release date for Ghostbusters: The Video Game on the Xbox 360. November 6 to be exact is the time when you'll be busting them ghosts but fortunately, a demo of the game is already up and running on Xbox Live. I downloaded it the other day and checked it out.

I think I've actually been to that spot in New York.

The demo shows you a significant chunk of the game's mechanics, including firing the proton packs, using the PKE meter and checking out data in Tobin's Spirit Guide. All of these things are naturally inherent to the Ghostbusters experience and they meld into the game experience pretty smoothly. (I totally thought Tobin's Spirit Guide was real when I saw the movie in 1984 and wanted to find a copy because it sounded cool).

Playing as 'the rookie', a new Ghostbuster, you're at the New York Public Library with Ray, Egon and Winston (Venkman is nowhere to be seen) waving at the crowd in the street after performing some unspecified ghost-busting task. Of course, things aren't that easy and a couple of stray ghosts appear just begging for you to mop them up. The GB boys and yourself run inside the library and you eventually blast those pesky poltergeists and throw them in a trap.

Burn you fucking books! Ha ha! Wait...

Voice acting is prominent all the way through and is pretty solid. Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis do a good job as their characters, with Aykroyd spouting off all that 'it's a class-five full-roaming vapour' type stuff pretty often. One of the weird aspects of this section is that you come across the librarian ghost which featured in the first moments of the movie and she is constantly referred to as 'The Grey Lady'. Like that's her name or something. It's strange that the characters (and indeed all the marketing for the game) have suddenly named this iconic ghost and now we're all supposed to say 'Oh, okay The Grey Lady'. I don't want her to have a name or backstory, I just want her to be 'librarian ghost'. What kind of latter-day retcon shit is that?

Anyway, the controls are sweet. Running around third-person Dead Space-style is the order of the day here and it works fine. Firing the proton pack with the right trigger is fun but the real joy comes from a 'reload' function that has been created for the game. Fire a proton beam for too long and the pack gets overheated. Tapping the right bumper button vents the pack, which ostensibly acts as a reload. Call it a contrivance for the sake of a video game, but it makes catching ghosts a lot more enjoyable and involved.

Ernie Hudson is a standout. As Winston Zeddmore, he really nails the urgency in his voice over work. True, he hardly says anything but when he does it's like actually running alongside Winston. Which is awesome.

Mr Awesome.

All the Ghostbusters music you could want is here. The cool understated score from the movie accompanies you throughout the game and Ray Parker Jnr's legendary song fills up the load screens.

It looks like the Ghostbusters game that you could hope for and probably the only decent one that's ever going to be made so I'm pretty sure I'll be picking it up when it drops in November.

Nintendo's claws have sunk in...again.

2009-10-06T18:55:00.011+10:00

Over the weekend, I briefly went a little crazy and ran out and bought a DS Lite. Specifically, this DS Lite:

Be smug all you want Mario, you're mine now.

Nintendo has always been semi-present in my life. I own a Gamecube, a Nintendo 64 and a Game Boy Advance SP. Even the original Game Boy, that big fat brick of a thing, takes up room in my house (although I'm not entirely sure where...).

Anyway, the point is that I am yet again a Nintendo customer. I've wanted a DS Lite as long as I can remember and one of the benefits of not being five years old is that I can make that a reality instantly if I feel the need. And doesn't it look fucking awesome?

Huh? Huh? Yeeeeeeah.

I specifically chose the DS Lite instead of the new DSi. Mainly because I don't think an extra hundred bucks is worth paying for a couple of low-res cameras and a shitty download service (yes, I know the screen is a bit bigger but, a hundred bucks bigger?). On top of this choice, I managed to score some pretty great deals. Firstly, the red Mario DS Lite came free with a copy of New Super Mario Bros. I had played it before and knew it to be great so what kind of psycho wouldn't take advantage of this deal when the game alone costs around $60 by itself?

I bought two more games. Professor Layton and the Curious Village was always on top of my list and even though I paid $50 for it, I consider it a decent purchase. But the gold I really struck was for $19. The second installment in the Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney series, Justice For All, was sitting there on sale and begging to be bought. Which I did. Oh boy, what a bargain. The game is highly entertaining and has sparked off my lust with all things Nintendo yet again. We'll have to wait and see whether I regret that later on down the road.

Dude, now I understand you.

Games of October - Part 2

2009-10-05T19:11:00.011+10:00

Looking at the latter half of the month and one game stands tall amongst the rest. But perhaps you don't care for randomly generated guns and lawless wastlelands. Maybe exotic cars are more your speed. Christ knows why, but anyway...

BORDERLANDS (Xbox 360, PC, Ps3)

This is the one for October as far as I'm concerned. Mixing Mad Max style with Diablo gameplay, the desolate planet of Pandora is somewhere I want to be right now. Taking on quests, fighting skags and designing guns are all elements I can't wait to sink my teeth into. New information describes a high-class army called the Crimson Lance who, if defeated, carry some of the best weapons in the game. Looks like they'll be my first targets then.

Release date: October 23

FORZA MOTORSPORT 3 (Xbox 360)

I just played the demo recently. Why, you ask? It's a racing game innit? Yes, that's true but I've heard that it's the racing game for people who hate Gran Turismo. And I fucking hate Gran Turismo. I picked a red Audi and drove around a track a couple of times. Nothing too amazing I'm afraid. The cars certainly look incredible and the mountain ranges look real but a small part of me was falling asleep. Some people swear by this franchise but I wasn't blown away. That said, all three Forza games have been released in between Gran Turismo 4 and 5. Hmm...another reason to hate Gran Turismo.

Release date: October 27

DJ HERO (Xbox 360, Ps3, Wii)

When you first see the turntable controller for this game, it appears to be the dumbest thing on the planet. And not much has convinced me otherwise. True, the trailers featuring the inclusion of Daft Punk do indeed look good and the beats would probably get the kids pumping. But seriously, it's going to be a long time before I'm convinced to pay over $100 for a DJ game. Considering music is dead to me, I'm obviously not the target audience for this release but I just can't help imagine how sad a dude will appear playing this game late at night in his living room dressed only in his underwear. And that dude ain't gonna be me.

Release date: October 30

Modern Warfare 2 continues to look awesome.

2009-10-05T17:51:00.004+10:00

10 November 2009 is when this all-encompassing juggernaut hits. I'm saving my 3 months of Gold for this one because according to this brand new trailer, they are gonna be blowing some shit up.

Games of October - Part 1

2009-10-01T21:29:00.011+10:00

In this new feature (if I can be bothered to keep it regular enough), I'm going to run through what I believe to be the important games set for release this month. Hopefully I write something resembling this every month so people out there can get an idea of what will be on store shelves in the next 30 days.

October sees the start of Q4. Typically, that means games start to come out in a huge way. Last year, for example, October 23 saw the simultaneous release of Far Cry 2, Dead Space and Fable 2. Christ, that was a tough day. Anyway, Q4 2009 probably won't be as brutal seeing how a lot of important titles have been pushed back to 2010. But make no mistake, there's still a whole lot of notable games on their way. Good or bad, let's have a look...

DEAD SPACE: EXTRACTION (Wii)

What's that? A new Dead Space game? Well, kind of. First off, it's on the Wii. And it's a rail shooter. What do I mean by 'rail shooter'? Remember Virtua Cop and Time Crisis? Yep, that's it. Extraction is a prequel (which makes it the third prequel, counting the comic and animated film) and to be honest, it's weird that it even exists. If you only own a Wii, would you even know what Dead Space is? And if you own a 360 or PS3, would you want Dead Space on your Wii? But apparently it captures all the atmosphere of the USG Ishimura. Just in a very strange way it seems.

Release date: October 1.

BRUTAL LEGEND (XBOX 360, PS3)

I have had my reservations about this one in the past and to be honest, I still do. Head designer Tim Schafer is taking a big gamble in mixing action/adventure with real-time strategy. Nobody can really confirm how much RTS elements will be in the finished product so we'll just have to wait and see I guess. That said, apparently one of the units that you can control is called the 'Hate Cage' and it's basically a cage on legs that screams and gushes blood on enemies. So there's that.

Release date: October 15.

UNCHARTED 2: AMONG THIEVES (PS3)

Set to be one of the biggest releases for the PS3 this year, Uncharted 2 sees the return of cocky, always-down-on-his-luck treasure hunter Nathan Drake. As I am without a PS3, I never played the first game. But When I do acquire one, I'll pick it up along with this sequel. Critics and fans love this series and from what I've seen, I will too. Everyone who has ever talked about a film version of this game, 100% of people say Nathan Fillion should play the lead. So naturally, I want to check this franchise out.

Release date: October 15

MARIO & LUIGI: BOWSER'S INSIDE STORY (DS)

When this was first announced at E3 this year, it was a bit weird. The majority of the game takes place inside Bowser's guts. This is the third Mario & Luigi game and running around inside their mortal enemy is a good a reason as any for another outing I guess. Whatever, it's a Mario game on the DS so generally that's a pretty awesome experience.

Release date: October 22.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Margaret Pomeranz hits the nail on the goddamn head.

2009-10-01T18:03:00.003+10:00

Online tech and gaming blog show Byteside recently interviewed movie critic extraordinaire Margaret Pomeranz about Australia's lack of an R18+ rating for games. And holy Christ she makes some sensible points. Watch this video then tell everybody you know to watch it.

Sam Fisher finally returns in February.

2009-09-29T21:03:00.006+10:00

After a delay earlier this year (it was originally supposed to hit shelves in October), Splinter Cell: Conviction has got itself a hard release date - February 23, 2010.

To coincide with this happy news, Ubisoft have released a new trailer celebrating the subtle art of mass murder. Rogue agent Sam Fisher is on the hunt to find out why his daughter died and the dude kills a fuckload of people in the process. Check. This. Out.

I am now saved.

2009-09-29T20:47:00.004+10:00

After a long wait, the transfer kit finally arrived. And bizarrely it worked fine.

One end of it hooked up to the new hard drive while the other end plugged into a rear USB port on the console with the old hard drive installed. Because of the amount of stuff I had on my drive, the process took about an hour and a half. Weirdly enough, all the crap I deleted from the new drive magically appeared again after the transfer so I had to get rid of that all over again. Oh well, if that was the worst thing to happen, I got off pretty light. It feels pretty awesome to have all this extra space now.

Pretty much this kind of awesome.

Saving myself - Part 3.

2009-09-21T21:03:00.006+10:00

While I'm waiting for my transfer kit to arrive in the mail, I had a chance to fire up my new hard drive. Surprisingly, it runs like an absolute dream. I must have had a hell of junk stored on my old hard drive because that one was slow as hell.

Pictured: My old 20g hard drive.

Microsoft in their infinite wisdom stuck a whole bunch of pre-loaded stuff on the new 60g drive, mostly Halo related. Trailers, gamer pictures and the like. All of which I deleted. There was a demo of Lego Star Wars II: The Original Trilogy which I played for a few minutes and then deleted. A bunch of ads for Xbox 360 wireless accessories that I glanced at and then deleted. Seriously, the only thing I kept was a Gears Of War dashboard theme which I'll probably delete seconds after looking at.

But this is how I want it. This new drive is going to be clean as a goddamn whistle.

Here's your Alpha Protocol box art.

2009-09-20T17:50:00.005+10:00

September is almost finished and as such, it almost signals the beginning of Q4. October is the time when games start to drop and there's a few coming in next month.

One of the more notable ones is Obsidian Entertainment's Alpha Protocol.

Published by Sega (yes, that one) this RPG is set in the shadowy world of espionage and spy type stuff, AP seems to shaping up to be really nice. Dialogue trees, outlandish characters and a government that has betrayed you are the ingredients of one potentially spicy meatball. Ex-CIA agent Michael Thorton travels to Rome, Taipei and Saudi Arabia while...I don't know...fighting arms dealers or something. But apparently you can bash an old man's head into a bar when he mouths off at you so...SOLD!

We'll find out how enjoyable pensioner violence is on October 27. My guess is very.

Saving myself - Part 2.

2009-09-19T12:28:00.008+10:00

Things are looking up. After deciding on a 60gb hard drive, I waltzed into my local JB HiFi and managed to find one on sale - for $119 instead of the listed $149. Not only that, the hard drive isn't the only thing that comes packaged for that amount of kablingy.

Here's the package...

...and its contents.

As much as I fucking hate the way Microsoft conduct business sometimes, I have to say I was pleasantly surprised. Not only did I save $30, but I also ended with more stuff that I thought. True, I couldn't give a shit about the extra ethernet cable and the headset will barely see any use, but it's that 3 months of Gold that I'm pretty chuffed about.

Regardless of all that crap, I'm still not back up and running just yet. After purchasing my pack of goodies, I rang the Microsoft robot call centre back and fed them my reference number. After a bit of a security check, they finally agreed to send out a transfer kit to recover all my precious save files.

"Transfer kit, motherfucker!"

So now I wait. They told me it could take up to ten working days to arrive so I'm looking at next week at the earliest. Everything better work right when it gets here.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Valve responds to Left 4 Dead 2 banning.

2009-09-19T12:13:00.005+10:00

Valve (developers of the Left 4 Dead franchise, as well as Half-Life and Portal) have responded to the OFLC refusing to classify their upcoming zombie experience, Left 4 Dead 2. Spokesman Doug Lombardi gave a statement:

"We were surprised to hear of this news yesterday. Obviously, everyone at Valve is pretty bummed. It would be a shame if folks in Australia, or anywhere else, are unable to purchase Left 4 Dead 2 because of a ratings issue."

Right. Not exactly the kind of response we were hoping for. By the tone of Lombardi's response, it doesn't seem like they are too bothered by it. More like a "That's bad, but who cares?" type statement really.

This sucks. You know what sucks even more? That the Australian government and the OFLC will get away with it. Nothing will happen. No matter how many irate people write letters or 14-year-old fat kids turn up on the doorstep of Michael Atkinson dressed as Zangief, the general public won't be able to change a fucking thing.

NO.

I'm too depressed to continue talking about this subject at the moment. More news as it comes to hand...

Left 4 Dead 2 banned in Australia.

2009-09-17T17:40:00.014+10:00

"The game contains violence that is high in impact and is therefore unsuitable for persons under 18 years to play,"

I'm shocked at this. I really am.

This country's backward and draconian classification board, the Office of Film and Literature Classification, have refused to classify one of the most anticipated games of Q4 2009, Left 4 Dead 2.

That makes four games now for this year. But that aside, a sequel to Left 4 Dead being banned in this country (and only this country) is truly shocking. The first game was critically-acclaimed for it's depiction of the impending zombie apocalypse and sold through the roof. The OFLC have put forth their reasons for this and there are as follows:

Violence is “inflicted upon ‘the Infected’ who are living humans infected with a rabies-like virus that causes them to act violently.”

Melee weapons that “inflict the most damage” and cause “copious amounts of blood spray and splatter (sic), decapitations and limb dismemberment… or even cause intestines to spill from the wounds.”

"The interactive nature of the game increases the overall impact of the frequent and intense depictions of violence. This coupled with the graphic depictions of blood and gore combine to create a playing impact which is high.”

“a minority of the Board is of the opinion that the violence is strong in playing impact and therefore warrants an MA15+ classification”

I can't really think straight with the amount of frustration and rage bubbling up inside me at the moment. I'll report on further developments as they come to hand. Let me leave you with this image while I calm down a bit...

Saving myself - Part 1.

2009-09-15T21:11:00.008+10:00

Well, it finally happened. My hard drive has completely died.

For the last few months, my 20 gigabyte Xbox 360 hard drive has been playing up. Specifically, it has been busting out an error message called E68.

More harmful than looking at the sun.

I had been trying my best to ignore it. Usually after a quick restart, everything would be okay again and the dashboard would load as normal. When it first happened I lost my mind thinking my Xbox had red-ringed again. But after talking to Microsoft, they told me it was all about the hard drive.

One light means 'hardware failure'. Four lights means 'AV cable unplugged'. Three lights means 'Oh dude, your Xbox is done.'

That was months ago. This week, my hard drive has finally given up the ghost. Basically saying "Fuck yooooooou!" whenever I fire it up, I have accepted to fact that it's time to upgrade. Now, I have two choices. Since they don't make the 20g model anymore (and that's fine since I need more space anyway), my options come down to the 60g and 120g model. Priced by the minions of Satan, they are $150 and $180 respectively. What a fucking joke.

What choice do I have, though? None. So since I want to save $30 and I don't really need that much space, the 60g model will be fine. Bastards. Apparently because of a relatively constant price drop on the Xbox 360 console itself, Microsoft have stated that they have no plans to reduce the price of the hardware accessories anytime soon. Why? DOLLAR DOLLAR BILL Y'ALL!

"Sup? We at Microsoft got mad duckets up in this bitch!"

Anyway, there's a bit of a catch. How do I transfer my save files and profile to the new hard drive? A transfer kit, that's how. Now, this kit comes bundles with the 120g but not the 60g. I had to make a phonecall to Microsoft to get them to send one out to me. After jumping through a lot of security hoops, they finally told me that because of security reasons (and piracy I assume) I have to purchase the hard drive first and call them back.

So, it begins. Tomorrow I journey to shell out $150 for this fucking thing and then place a call to these bloodsucking bastards. And we'll go from there...

I bet there's probably about ten bucks worth of parts inside this thing.

TO BE CONTINUED.

Borderlands...oh my.

2009-09-13T13:06:00.005+10:00

The more layers that are peeled off of Gearbox Software's new RPG/shooter Borderlands, the more incredible it seems to appear.

Inspired by Mad Max and Diablo, this sci-fi opus features four main characters (all of which you can take online in co-op play) taking quests on the planet Pandora. A desolate wastleland, most parts of Pandora have devolved into lawlessness after anyone with half a brain and a little money abandoned it. In addition to this, after the planet's seven year orbit ends, a veritable fuckload of horrible creatures emerge from hibernation.

One of the most prominent marketing angles that Gearbox has used is Borderlands' amount of firearms. Thanks to the game's randomly generating systems, there are approximately 3 million different types of guns (or a 'bazillion', as Gearbox put it). The landscapes, towns and creatures are all also randomly generated giving a fresh perspective to every player's journey. And Gearbox have said that once you load the game up, you'll never see another load screen.

The four characters you can choose from are as follows:

MORDECAI

ROLAND

LILITH

BRICK

Gearbox have brought them all together in this 'Character' trailer...and the game is out late October. If the finished game is even half as good as it looks, put some money aside now.

Lucidity + Shank = hell yes!

2009-09-12T20:10:00.006+10:00

Hey kids, downloadable games are kind of a big deal nowadays. This year alone has seen one of the best titles so far in Shadow Complex and it looks as if developers are really starting to put a bit of effort into these previously ignored titles. Including these two:

LUCIDITY

Developed by Lucasarts (Yeah that's right A BRAND NEW ORIGINAL FUCKING GAME FROM LUCASARTS!!!), players have to help Sofi through a dreamscape-type world unharmed by way of indirect platforming. Bizarrely, the gameplay looks to be a mix of Lemmings and Tetris. Yeah, I know that sounds a bit weird, but check out this video to understand what I mean...

Release date: Lucidity will drop on Xbox Live Arcade and PC (via Steam) on October 7.

SHANK

Making its debut appearance at the Penny Arcade Expo in Seattle a few days ago, Shank is being developed by Vancouver-based Klei Entertainment. Here's pretty much all you need to know - guns, chainsaws, blood, stab, run, stab, dive, stab, awesome.

Release date: No official date or platforms have been announced for Shank but apparently the demo being played at the Expo was unleashed on a Xbox 360 controller. So that pretty much settles it I guess.

"Mother pus bucket!"

2009-09-11T18:57:00.015+10:00

Back in mid-June of this year, Ghostbusters The Video Game was released on all platforms to generally positive reviews.

But only in North America. Thanks to a questionable exclusivity deal between Sony and publisher Atari, the European and Australian Xbox 360 versions of the game were delayed until October 23. Effectively giving Sony the edge when it came to sales with its PS3 and PS2 versions of the game.

Now it's been delayed again. To November 6.

Pictured: Australia.

No official reason has been given for the second delay of the Xbox 360 version in PAL territories. Just because, punks.

But since the US version of the game isn't region-locked, you can import to your heart's content. Which you should probably try and do sooner rather than later if you want to play it. Because let's face it, a November release date has pretty much put a bullet in the 360 version outside of North America. Why? Because it's only five days before this fucking juggernaut drops worldwide...

If someone asks Modern Warfare 2 if it's a god, it will say yes.

Letting go of The Beatles: Rock Band.

2009-09-10T18:41:00.010+10:00

Earlier this year, I went a little hyper insane for the impending release of The Beatles: Rock Band. So much so, that I toyed with the idea picking up the Limited Edition of the game which features three guitars, a microphone and drums coming in at a hefty AUD$350. But after a little bit of to-ing and fro-ing, I have decided my priorities lay elsewhere.

Oh man, how cool does that look?

The game came out yesterday around the globe, and by all reports it's selling like gangbusters. The Limited Edition box itself is fucking huge. Seriously, it's the size of small car.

Which makes sense I guess. It needs to fit all this awesome shit in it.

Taking a few things into consideration, I've realised I will have to leave this one alone. Maybe pick it up on the cheap next year sometime which really sucks. But there's a few purchases that have to take precedence around this time of year. Namely a new hard drive ($150), a wireless adapter ($100) and possibly a PS3 Slim ($499).

Oh Christ, look how much fun they're having! The guitar highways even have cool patterns on them! Fuck!

It's a real shame. I've never bought a single Guitar Hero/Rock Band title because the majority of the songs didn't really appeal to me (seriously, who fucking cares about Lacuna Coil?) but the Fab Four's entry in the music game genre was going to get me over the line. But needs must when the devil vomits into your kettle and 2010 will have to be the year of Beatlemania for me.

And this special 360 design would be pretty sweet too. Dammit.

Red Dead Redemption improves by the minute.

2009-09-09T19:03:00.010+10:00

Since we now live in a world where the perfect Batman game exists, all we need now is the perfect wild west game. And next year, Rockstar Games may just deliver it.

This week, a lengthy demo of the game was shown at the Penny Arcade Expo in Seattle and Holy Christ - it is really starting to look promising.

Sweeeeet.

While it's a sequel to the PS2 game Red Dead Revolver, it bears little resemblance in story, gameplay and pretty much everything else. Former outlaw John Marston (!) is the dude you control and the game is set in the very early 20th century. In a reportedly massive open world (Rockstar themselves have said it's the biggest game they've ever made), there seems to be all the trappings of a western genre you could want. Horseback is your main mode of travel but there are also stagecoaches, trains and steamboats. Camps, settlements and towns litter the landscape and apparently they are all ripe for the taking by Marston. If the player so desires.

He looks pretty much tough as fucking nails.

The towns themselves have their own economies. Banks, saloons and general stores are all fully useable and it's totally possible to start some shit in every single one of them. But, as with the Grand Theft Auto series - a wanted level is in place if you break too many old-timey laws. Authorities appear on the street and try their best to subdue Marston with lasso ropes and of course, gunfire. Marston himself is on his own personal mission of course. After giving up a life of crime, the government threaten his wife and child with something horrible unless he hunts down his old gang. Those goddamn yellow-bellied sumbitches.

Hands up who wants this game like, right now.

One of the most interesting things to come out of the demo was the horses. You can kick them with your spurs to move faster but not too much because they can buck your off their back. If this happens, you may have to try and lasso a wild horse, break it in and saddle it to make that nag your own.

Not since Law Of The West has there been a completely solid wild west video game (yes, even Sunset Riders). If someone can do it, Rockstar can. Have some faith. Some guys from the UK just made the perfect Batman game, so now anything is possible. We just have to wait until the first quarter of 2010 to find out.

They be some big shoes to fill, y'all.

The Bat is finally here.

2009-09-06T11:57:00.011+10:00

Well folks, we now live a world where Batman: Arkham Asylum has been released. And to be perfectly honest, it's really quite amazing.

It was Wednesday this week that I received a text from JB HiFi telling me that my Collector's Edition of the game has arrived and I could pick it up immediately. Somewhere (apparently in New South Wales) the street date for the game had been broken and the JB staff got a phonecall from some higher up entity saying "Put it on the shelves NOW!".

So before I run through my opinion of the game itself, let me give you a quick guide on what the Collector's Edition (also known as HOLY FUCK KICK ASS CHAMPION Edition) consists of...

The Batarang:

Forget the box behind it (it's a fake version). The Batarang at the front is exactly like mine.

Initial reports on the internet started to rail against the Collector's Edition Batarang. Bitching about things like the quality of it and the inability to remove it from its stand so you can throw it around the house. What morons. I just wanted something that looks cool on my video game shelf and that's exactly what I got. It's sturdy (feels somewhat like wood weirdly enough), about a foot long and looks cool. Some people on the internet were whinging about the thing having 'worn-in' scratches all over it like as if Batman actually used this thing in his war on crime. Honestly, the scratches on mine are hardly noticeable.

The Prequel Comic:

About the size of a postcard and consisting of 12 pages, The Road To Arkham (written by Alan Burnett and art by Carlos D'Anda) is a lead-in to the events of the game. I found it to be best read after the game is finished as it details one or two plot points that may come as a surprise. Nothing major or spoilerific, but just stuff that makes you think "Ooooooh, I see". It reads great, looks cool and is a perfect companion to the storyline of the game.

The Arkham Journal:

That's the journal in the middle. Incidentally, that box behind it is the one my edition came in.

Bigger in width and page size than the comic, this Journal details files from Arkham doctor Penelope Young (who is a semi-important character in the game) about every single inmate in the madhouse. 48 pages of every Batman villian you could think of (with more art from Carlos D'Anda), it's a nice little collection of the rogues' gallery.

The Downloadable Codes:

After the main storyline is finished, the game offers you specialised maps so you can fuck guys up to your heart's content.

I initially thought the collector's edition only included one code for downloading a challenge map, but I ended up with two. As part of the replayability of the game, it features challenge maps which you can either become the 'invisible predator' in a room full of thugs or other maps where you simply punch the fuck out of wave after wave of dudes. Racking up scores is what these maps are for, but also so you can unlock more stuff in the game. And also Achievements. Sweet, sweet Achievements. The two codes in the Collector's Edition are for the 'Villian' map and a map based on Crime Alley, which is where Bruce Wayne's parents were killed. Both maps are not in the retail game and I have no idea if they will be. Perhaps they will be the downloadable content that's apparently coming for the game. Who knows?

The Behind The Scenes DVD:

I couldn't find an appropriate picture for the bonus DVD, so here's a shot of Batman kicking a dude in the face. Which you totally can do in the game.

Pretty standard stuff here. Five chapters that are about ten minutes in length of the developers, composers and others talking about how awesome the game is. One bonus out of this is I finally discovered what Kevin Conroy looks like.

The Actual Game Itself:

To be honest, there probably doesn't need to be another Batman game after this one. Because Batman: Arkham Asylum is literally shocking in how faithful it is to every possible desire you could have for a video game based on Batman. I'm still reeling from how Batman games went from always being total garbage to one game completely turning that around in one shot and saying "You want it, here it is.". Because that's what Rocksteady Studios have done here. They've made the best Batman game you could ever hope for. Even besides that, it's not just a great Batman game, but a great game overall. The variety in gameplay, the environments, sound design, graphics, voice acting and writing is all top shelf. It just so happens that all those ingredients are made even sweeter by it being a Batman game. You wanna fire your grapple gun to an insanely high ledge? Check. You wanna prey on thugs and make them scared out of their minds? Check. Glide on your cape? Use a batcave? Talk to Oracle? Punch the fuck out of groups of thugs? Check, check, check and CHECK.

I could talk all day about the quality of the game, but fuck that - I'd rather be playing it. I'll just sum up by saying I am immensely satisfied with the collector's edition and the game itself is surprisingly terrific. Even I didn't think it would be as lovingly crafted as it is. And considering the amount of pre-release hype kind of shit I've talked about this game, that's certainly saying something.

Oh, I almost forgot. I finished the game last night and Ryan, you owe me 20 bucks.

A brief interlude...

2009-09-05T15:50:00.003+10:00

Can't...blog...too...busy

Will...return...shortly...Batman...out...playing...Batman...

Here...picture...look...awesome...

Dipping a toe into multiplayer.

2009-08-30T08:25:00.014+10:00

For as long as I've owned my beloved Xbox 360, I have to admit that I've never really toyed around with the multiplayer aspect of things. When I first bought the thing back in 2006, I spent many an hour wandering through Oblivion and shooting nazis in Call Of Duty 2 with nary a thought towards taking the fight online.

Until now.

In the last month, I've upped my Xbox Live subscription to Gold and tentatively had a go at online multiplayer in a few select titles. And I have to say I'm hooked. Now, just to be clear there's no way in hell I'm actually talking to anyone online. Voice headset? Fuck that. What on earth would I have to discuss with dudes who have gamertags like Ruthless CXnt and CHAD iz babe anyway? Nothing.

I speak with my trigger finger, MonkeyFart69.

I kind of understand what gamers meant now. When you finish the single-player campaign of a new game, take it online and see how you fare against something other than AI bots.

But don't get me wrong here - I'm not very good. I've been gradually climbing the early ranks of a few games and even though I suck most of the time, I manage to pull off more than a few 'punch-the-fucking-air-with-glee' type moments.

Gears Of War 2 - Currently I'm Level 13.

There's this thing called Horde Mode in Gears Of War 2. Basically, it's you and four other dudes fighting wave after wave of AI controlled Locust enemies. One single map and several hours of commitment to reach Wave 50. As you take down ugly-as-fuck horde soldiers, it's rewarding when a teammate revives you from near death to continue the fight. Gradually, you and the aforementioned dudes form a small bond as you wade through ankle-deep carnage. And damn, it is fun.

These two guys are having a chainsaw fight. A CHAINSAW FIGHT.

Call Of Duty 4 - Currently I'm a Level 10 Sargeant.

This one has all the traditional modes of Deathmatch and Capture the Flag etc. but comes with it the handicap of fighting against people who have been playing this game for two years. Certain maps are just brutal. After spawning and running for two seconds, some prick in a farmhouse with a sniper rifle sends you a care package in the shape of a bullet to the head and your war-torn frivolity is over quick smart. But as I have stated before, Ice-T plays this one (with Xzibit apparently) so naturally, I'll stick with my M1 Carbine rifle with red-dot sight until I find him.

Ripped from the headlines. If the headline was "Today fighting in the Middle East culminated in BOOM HEADSHOT".

Streetfighter IV - I currently have 180 Battle Points.

Since this is a fighting game, the matches just fly by in seconds. The online matchmaking process (the game automatically tries to find you someone with similar skill level and a stable internet connection) is dodgy sometimes. Regardless, I'm unlocking Titles and Icons and generally getting the shit beaten out of me. Small victories are the order of the day here. By playing as Sakura, I've managed to just win my fifth online match. Pitted against Blanka, my opponent loved sticking to the ground and attacking my ankles and much as he could. He won the first round, I won the second and then I managed to string together enough combos to defeat him in the third. And since it was my fifth victory, I unlocked an Achievement called 'Way Of The Fist'. Damn right.

Sakura vs Ken. The kids in the background are celebrating bare-fisted violence. AWESOME.

The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the devil's own satanic herd.

2009-08-28T22:07:00.006+10:00

It was Edmund Blackadder who uttered those words but even in medieval England, I'm sure he didn't have problems not as nearly as inconvenient as I do.

Batman: Arkham Asylum didn't come out today.

Regardless of common sense, worldwide release dates and my own bleating - Australia is still behind the rest of the world. Once again. They're sticking to the 3rd of September. One store has claimed to have broken the street date though. The picture below is apparently from a Gametraders in Western Australia...

Hmmm...

Whatever. If any broken street dates are going to have any effect, it will have to be next week. Bastards.

On the positive side of things, I pre-ordered the collector's edition of the game. That's right - fuck it, I want the whole kit and caboodle. So, does that make me a sucker? To not only be shafted, and then outlay extra cash for the privilege? Perhaps. We'll see next week. Goddammit.

That batarang better be fucking sweet.

I don't know what the hell Brutal Legend is anymore.

2009-08-24T18:37:00.009+10:00

When I heard a long while back that Tim Schafer was making a new game based on a heavy metal fantasy realm and you played a roadie, I was on board already. Even with the involvement of the constantly overexposed Jack Black, it seemed Schafer had a true vision of what his next opus could be. Full Throttle and Psychonauts were amazing, so he could do no wrong in my eyes.

Introducing Eddie Riggs: Roadie.

In recent weeks though, the concept of Brutal Legend has become something I'm not entirely sure I want to play. Like an big fat onion, layers of gameplay have gradually been peeled off with every public showing of the game. At first, it seemed it was a God of War-type game; main character Eddie Riggs hacking and slashing away at demons while making quips meant to make us laugh. Good, but nothing too exciting.Then, things changed. News suddenly dropped that it was an open world game. Immediately, my interest was through the roof. An open world game featuring heavy metal, hot rods and the writing of Tim Schafer? Sign me the fuck up.

Thumbs up indeed, Tim.

But in the last week or so, Schafer has been doing interviews stating something kind of strange. The game itself started as a multiplayer experience. And the game is chock full of multiplayer real-time strategy type elements that is apparently integral to the single player game. Now to be clear, I'm of the opinion that there hasn't been a decent real-time strategy game since Age of Empires II. But that aside, I'm not entirely sure I would even want that type of gameplay in a game like Brutal Legend. I mean, this fucking game has Lemmy in it.

And apparently he's your healing unit. I'm dead serious.

What of the potential audience for this game? Your average kid walking through a game shop is going to see a game featuring heavy metal and Jack Black and think "Dude, awesome!". What happens when they get it home and try and figure out what unit management and gathering resources is all about?

Unfortunately, all this uncertainty adds up to Brutal Legend being the only game I'm not entirely sure about in Q4 2009. Modern Warfare 2? SOLD. Dragon Age? SOLD. Borderlands? FUCKING SOLD.

Brutal Legend? I'm not sure. I'll have to wait and see. And that's insane considering it's being made by Tim Schafer. We'll find out on October 13.

We'll see, Tim. We'll see.

Universal acclaim for Batman: Arkham Asylum.

2009-08-23T17:38:00.008+10:00

The game is finally released in Australia this Friday and the reviews are in...

Eurogamer: "it's the best superhero game, bar none."

1UP: "many of the mechanics turn Batman: Arkham Asylum into a bona fide "Batman Simulator,""

IGN: "The greatest comic book videogame of all time. "

Strategy Informer: "Truly this is the Batman game that everybody’s been waiting for."

Games Master UK: "Simply put, Batman: Arkham Asylum is a masterpiece."

So I guess that seals it. Unless you're as batshit crazy as the Joker, you'll no doubt be joining me in picking up the game this Friday.

"Well done, Jim. We're officially awesome."

All of a sudden, Heavy Rain is amazing.

2009-08-19T22:47:00.008+10:00

Things are falling into place for me today.

1) Sony announce a cheaper, slimmer PS3.

2) PS3 exclusive game Heavy Rain unleashes one of the most impressive trailers I've seen in years.

The PS3 Slim becomes a reality.

2009-08-19T17:25:00.011+10:00

After months of rumours and leaked factory shots, the slim version of the Playstation 3 was announced by Sony early this morning at GamesCom 09 in Cologne, Germany.

Sony Computer Entertainment CEO Kaz Hirai unveils the Slim.

The new model is released in Australia on September 1 (that's two weeks away!) and it will be priced at AUD $499.95. The US price is UD$299 which works out to be about $360 Australian, but it's pointless whinging about that discrepancy I suppose.

Here's the old next to the new.

The PS3 Slim runs on a new 45nm cell processor instead of the old 60nm model, so that's means it's smaller and more energy efficient. The power consumption has been cut by two thirds and the model itself is 33% smaller and 36% lighter. All of the features of the big original model will be retained. Also, it comes standard with a 120g hard drive.

Finally, Sony has woken up to fact that not everyone has an ass-load of money to spend on their product. Every current model of the PS3 on shelves right now will be reduced to $499 as of August 24 prior to the release of the Slim.

Oh, you're mine now sucka.

Batman's final hurdle = Australia.

2009-08-17T19:48:00.013+10:00

The game is mere weeks away, but Batman: Arkham Asylum is not here just yet. As close as we are to skulking around in the cape and cowl, some last-minutes hiccups have become evident.

Australian game retailers have, for some unknown reason, have the game listed as being released on the 3rd September. As opposed to the August 28 date that is actually listed as the date it is supposed to be released. The US date is August 25 and the European date is August 28. Atari, who is distributing the game in Australia, have the same date as Europe - August 28. So I'm not entirely sure what retailers are playing at. True, a lot of big games mysteriously break their release dates and end up on the shelves a few days early but it's still baffling.

"Fuck you, game retailers!"

In addition to this bullshit, it looks as if the price will be on the brutal side of harsh. Now, just to prefix this, the last game I paid over 100 dollars for a game was Assassin's Creed. And that was the last time I got burned (I spit on you, EB Games). I have since made a vow never to pay over $100 for a game again. But it seems retailers have cottoned on the pre-release buzz for this game. Check this out...

EB Games - 3/9/09 - $119.95

http://www.ebgames.com.au/xbox/product.cfm?id=13890&refer=productsearch

JB Hifi - 3/9/09 - $110.98

http://www.jbhifionline.com.au/game/xbox-360/batman-arkham-asylum/422874

Big W - 3/9/09 - $115.50

http://www.bigwentertainment.com.au/product/batman_arkham_asylum_3846975_1755480.html

Gametraders - 3/9/09 - No price available

http://www.gametraders.com.au/#game?ID=27425

Dick Smith - 12/6/09 - $10.00 (check out Dick Smith's listing at the link below which is really confusing. Huh?)

http://www.dse.com.au/cgibin/dse.storefront/4a8939f00e231f32273fc0a87e010678/Product/View/YG5959PRE

Games Warehouse - 3/9/09 - $109.95

http://www.gameswarehouse.com.au/longpage.asp?gameid=17210

Ready for your wallet to be raped? In order to have to the privilege of buying the game in a shop and getting it a week later than the rest of the world, you'll have to be.

"I said, FUCK YOU! GAME RETAILERS!"

But because Preparations For Birth is awesome and helpful, here's a couple of options. Australian retailer GAME have the shitty release date of 3/9/09 but a web-only price of $99.00. Pretty reasonable in light of everyone else.

http://www.game.com.au/showtitle?code=BATAA360

Also, UK retailer Sendit.com has an even better deal. They have the game listed at $79 Australian dollars but since the game is released on a Friday and their shipping takes 5-10 working days, you may not get it for a couple of weeks.

http://www.sendit.com/sendit/10035800.product

So, I guess you'll have to decide what's important. Getting hold of the game immediately (well almost) or waiting a little while to save 20 bucks. I'm not entirely sure myself.

"No, seriously game retailers, FUCK! YOU! How can you sleep at night knowing you're charging these prices for a game that is coming out a week late! Do you actually kiss your children with the same mouth that you deliver this evil upon your customers? And don't try and push that bullshit pre-order unlockable armor on me either, EB Games! You are not getting your filthy fucking claws into me ever again! Nyyaaaarrrggghhh!!!!"

UPDATE - In the space of 24 hours, JB Hifi have dropped their price from $110.98 to $99.00. When I rang the store to confirm, they did indeed tell me $99. I also decided to test something and straight out asked "So that's coming out on August 28th?". The clerk checked and then told me "Yes."

The plot thickens....

No more Elder Scrolls...apparently.

2009-08-16T19:02:00.006+10:00

After I spent 50+ hours walking the Capital Wasteland of Fallout 3, I had my full share of that world. I have still no interest in all the downloadable content that Bethesda have delivered over the past few months. Apparently the majority of it is quite good, but I could not care less. Take your Fallout and fuck off.

That said, I have always entertained a small hope that Bethesda had also been busy working on the next Elder Scrolls game while spewing out all this DLC. But this week, bad news is the order of the day. Day...week...whatever.

At the game convention QuakeCon 09 in Dallas, Texas this week, Bethesda PR dude Peter Hines told the crowd that they currently have "no plans" for a new Elder Scrolls game. So for those of you who enjoyed Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion to the tune of hundreds of hours, you'll have to find something else to fill your days in the future. That sucks pretty hard don't you think?

It sucks almost as much as those Oblivion gates. Christ, I hated those.

Well, here's the icing on the shitty tasting disappointment cake. Hines then proceeded to tell the crowd that there's "always a chance" that they will make an Elder Scrolls online multiplayer game. Oh joy. Just what we need. I guess that's the reason there will be no single-player adventure being released anytime soon.

What kind of idiots work at Bethesda nowadays? Are they in any way serious about doing an Elder Scrolls MMO? Yeah, go take your medevial/fantasy RPG and make it into an MMO...because there's no other planet-dominating multi-billion dollar game DOING THAT SHIT AT THE MOMENT!?!?!

Pictured: Bethesda's future plans.

A little game called Shadow Complex.

2009-08-15T14:46:00.005+10:00

As far as downloadable games are concerned, they usually range from pretty damn great to mostly awful. But nobody expects too much from them. Well, that looks to be changing next week with the release of the highly ambitious 2D espionage adventure game Shadow Complex. A spritual successor to Metroid and/or Castlevania, the game looks quite amazing, checking in at about 10 hours approximately.

It drops this Wednesday (the 19th) and will set you back 1200 MS Points on Xbox Live Arcade. Which is about eighteen Australian dollars. Check out the trailer below to decide whether you believe it's worth 18 bucks. Here's a hint: YES.

Here's your Borderlands box art.

2009-08-12T22:53:00.005+10:00

Gearbox Software are one of the few developers still willing to stick to their 2009 release date and not be scared off by Modern Warfare 2. Borderlands, their 'role-playing shooter', is looking really exciting and I personally can't wait to check it out.

For those of you who don't know, the planet on which Borderlands is set is too far away from the sun to provide any sort of daylight. So the planet's population had a solution which was to SET FIRE TO HALF OF OF THE MOON.

If that doesn't get you interested in the game, this is what you'll be looking for on October 23rd...

2 quick reasons why Australia is a joke.

2009-08-12T12:35:00.025+10:00

Ladies and gents, if you weren't already aware, this great southern land of ours is constantly getting screwed. In the world of video games, it is viewed as a retarded backwater, a behind-the-times place generally regarded as something to scoff at. The world gaming community is laughing at us and for good reason. Who's causing this unjust amusement? Well, there's two culprits. One, an old arch-enemy. And another, which we should have seen coming.

1. THE OFLC IS AT IT AGAIN.

My old nemesis, the Office of Film and Literature Classification, has struck again. A German RPG by the name of Risen has just been banned.

Yeah, I hadn't heard of it either.

Game studio Deep Silver has had their RPG refused classification in Australia by the OFLC (making it the third game for 2009) and the reasons are as follows:

"During the course of the game, players can interact with prostitutes (referredto as "whores" in the game) at a local brothel. Players can trigger a lengthy dialogue to engage in their services; sexual activity is strongly implied, but never depicted on screen. Many of the characters in the game smoke a fictional drug called "brugleweed." The "wood reefer" plant is described as having a mild relaxing effect on users, and can be bought, sold, and used by players."

Implied sexuality and fictional drugs? Look at these titles above. You let these two games pass in the last 12 months and they have both those things in them. I mean, Jesus Christ, look at this...

...GTA Chinatown Wars had a drug-dealing mini-game in it for fuck's sake! With real names for the drugs!

Head of the Games Developers Association of Australia Tom Crago had a few choice words...

Well it’s a joke isn’t it? We are once again caught in this awful, ridiculous web of the antiquated classification system... Here in Australia the sooner that changes, the better; it is obviously a battle to ensure common sense prevails. We will get there eventually, but in the meantime as gamers in Australia we suffer, and to be honest we are embarrassed at how backward our government is...

The biggest problem we have here in Australia is that we don’t have an R classification for video games... It’s ridiculous because it assumes that games are fundamentally different to film and outrageous in that it assumes that adults shouldn’t be allowed to access adult content in video games...

We are the butt of a lot of jokes; I travel, obviously a lot, talking to other developers and publishers and people cannot believe it that we still have this ridiculous system here in Australia, designed twenty or thirty years ago, and hasn’t changed since... [South Australian Attorney General Michael Atkinson] is of course the problem... clearly this is a guy that doesn’t get it, and to be honest, I don’t think, ever will get it...

2. MICROSOFT WANTS TO ROB US BLIND

Last night, the new update to the Xbox 360 dashboard launched and added a few new features. In addition to the ability to now spend actual hard earned money on avatar clothing (both Adidas and Quiksilver have got their claws in already), one of the new features was Games On Demand. A service allowing you to purchase and download full Xbox 360 games straight onto your hard drive. Cool right? Well, hold onto your hats...

Bioshock - $49.95

Call Of Duty 2 - $49.95

Kameo - $29.95

Mass Effect - $99.95 <---RIGHT HERE! LOOK AT THIS SHIT HERE!

Oblivion - $49.95

Perfect Dark Zero - $29.95

Prey - $29.95

Rockstar Table Tennis - $69.95

SEGA Rally - $49.95

Viva Pinata - $29.95

Viva Pinata:Trouble In Paradise - $69.95

All these are in Australian prices. Harrowing Australian prices. Mass Effect in the US is listed $20 which is $24 Australian. Which is pretty close to what you can actually buy the full retail game for now in Australia anyway if you look hard enough.

Xbox Australia has responded with some non-committal tripe...

"No one retailer has the lowest pricing for every product, and our program is about giving people 24 x 7 convenience and selection when shopping for Xbox 360 games. We’re incredibly excited about what Games on Demand means for digital distribution, and will continue to evaluate and evolve the service to meet market and consumer demands."

So there you go kids. Enjoy your day. Try not to kill anything.

Ice-T, will you be my friend?

2009-08-10T22:22:00.007+10:00

Gamertags are somewhat strange things. For those of you not aware of their existence, an Xbox 360 gamertag is the name you put into your Xbox profile to represent you when playing online or simply just to have it on your Xbox dashboard. They can be just your name, nickname or some other representation of your self you deem appropriate for casting spells and/or sniping the fuck out of people.

Recently, I signed up for a month of Gold subscription and did a little looking around the world of Xbox Live. Gamertags also show up on leaderboards of each game, showing you the best players in the world for that particular game. Just last week I started playing Puzzle Quest for the first time (it's great!) and during a break I checked out the leaderboard and in the top 50 players in the world, these gamertags caught my attention...

Curry Fart

SCREWOBAMA

These are real gamertags. I'm dead serious. I think the only thing more terrifying about a guy who has SCREWOBAMA as his gamertag is that he is currently one of best players in the world at Puzzle Quest. Puzzle Quest.

Anyway, why am I banging on about these things? Well, I thought I'd let you in some inside info I discovered recently and that pertains to the gamertag LORD 187x. Want to know who it belongs to?

This motherfucker right here.

That's right bitches. The Original Gangsta Tracy Marrow, better known as Ice-T, has his very own gamertag. He is not just a New Jack Hustler, he's a hardcore gamer. And here's a few select games he's played recently...

Fallout 3

Godfather 2

Wanted: Weapons Of Fate

Tiger Woods PGA Tour 08 (WTF?)

UFC 2009 Undisputed

Resident Evil 5

But let's get right to the heart of the matter, the dude is a freak for Call Of Duty 4. Apparently he can't get enough of playing it online and enjoys taking down punks in Unnamed Middle Eastern Country like thousands of other gamers. Don't believe me? Check this out:

You're probably wondering by now - "What's 187 mean?". Just so you know, 187 is the US police code for a homicide (e.g. 'Tell dispatch that we got a 187 in this apartment'). So yes, that basically means Ice-T's gamertag translates to LORD MURDERX. Which is pretty appropriate for him I guess. Although I'm not entirely sure when he last smoked anyone for real.

So here's my dilemma. I myself have a gamertag and a month full of Gold subscription which enables me for online play. Should I put in a friend request for LORD 187X? To be added to his friends list? Microsoft's current policy is a 100-friend limit for each gamertag and to be honest, Ice-T's is probably full already with his own peeps. But it might be worth pursuing.

Why? I'll tell you why. Imagine you're playing Call Of Duty 4 online and you suddenly see a dude running between some shipping containers and his gamertag is LORD 187x. I don't know about you, but I would be all like HOLY SHIT THAT'S ICE-T SHOOT HIM SHOOT HIM KILL THAT MOTHERFUCKER GO GO GO!

Because can you imagine saying this phrase to your friends?...

"Man, I was playing Call Of Duty 4 last night and I'm pretty sure I wasted Ice-T."

Dragon Age has been delayed...you bastards.

2009-08-08T19:45:00.004+10:00

Bioware's 80-100 hour long medieval RPG Dragon Age: Origins has been delayed. But unlike EVERY OTHER GAME, it's not until 2010. It's just a couple of weeks.

Originally, the game was set for release on October 23. But now it's November 3 for Xbox 360 and PC. Apparently the PS3 version will come 'later'. Whatever that means.

Yes, I'm pissed off too. But just watch this trailer ten times and calm down. It's only a week or two....Oh, who am I kidding I'M READY TO STAB THE NEAREST PUNK WHO MOUTHS OFF ANYWHERE NEAR ME! IT IS TRULY GOING TO BE THE AGE OF DRAGONS UP IN THIS BITCH! NYYYYAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHH!!!!

Early impressions of...Batman: Arkham Asylum.

2009-08-08T15:45:00.014+10:00

Last night saw the release of the official demo for Batman: Arkham Asylum on Xbox 360 and PS3 (the demo for PC version is coming later apparently). And the short answer is: Hand over the full game NOW. I've just played through the demo twice and first impressions all point to success. Weighing in at about 1.5GB, the demo takes an eternity to download but it is well worth it.

Pictured: 1.5GB of AWESOME.

The demo covers what appears to be the early introductory stage of the game with Batman (THAT'S YOU YEAH YOU PLAY AS THE FUCKING BATMAN) transporting Joker back to Arkham after yet another escape only to discover that Clown Prince of Crime has organised his own welcoming party. With the help of Harley Quinn, shit goes down.

The combat feels great. I lined up against a bunch of thugs and they never stood a chance. True, they hit me in the face a couple of times but action triggers an equal and opposite reaction and that reaction was to punch the fuck out of a whole bunch of thugs.While only very basic moves were evident in the demo, they were damn fun to control. Some punk tries to creep up behind me and I can counter their attack by pressing the Y button at a specific time and it's time for some broken bones. Right from the start, the feeling of 'being Batman' is really apparent.

See that dude trying to sneak up behind me? He's about to take a dirt nap.

Another major aspect of Batman's arsenal is Detective Mode. Tap the Left Bumper button and Batman's cowl enters a scan-vision type scenario. Information on the surroundings is shown in detail and the enemies' heat signature becomes clear through walls. Complete with a heart BPM indicator to show how scared out of their minds they are. The voice acting is solid. Mark Hamill and Kevin Conroy are expectedly awesome as the Joker and Batman. Hamill can still laugh maniacally like nothing else on earth.

One of the most exciting sections of the demo was an encounter with Victor Zsasz who, after escaping from his cell, took a guard hostage. I told the other guards to chill out and took him down. Jumping down from a gargoyle in the ceiling, I glided on my cape, kicked him in the head and knocked him out cold. As Zsasz was face down on the cement, I punched him in the back of the head. Just to be sure. And to top it all off, Batman turned to the guards and said...

"Take this animal back to his cell!"

Oh hell yes.

Batman: Arkham Asylum is out on August 28th. I'll be there front and centre.

Who cares about Max?

2009-08-03T10:50:00.006+10:00

Things are really starting to get out of hand with game delays in 2009. Week after week, game after game is delayed from the October/November period of this year to the first quarter of 2010: The Year We Make Contact. Just to clarify, the full list of delayed games are:

Bioshock 2

Mafia 2

Red Dead Redemption

Bayonetta

Dark Void

Splinter Cell:Conviction

Red Steel 2

Plus one more: Max Payne 3. Here's the thing. Everyone's up in arms about Bioshock and Mafia and the stupid fucking ridiculousness of Bayonetta, but poor old Max has been relegated to the sidelines. Nobody seems to be upset about Max Payne even though his new look and the game's new direction is really exciting.

Grumble, kill, grumble, wife, grumble, bullets, grumble.

Apparently, the game is set 12 years after Max Payne 2 and the NYPD is no longer part of Max's life. He now lives in Sao Paulo, Brazil and works in private security. Also, the game is no longer being made by Remedy Studios. Rockstar Vancouver has taken over development duties for Max's third outing and since their previous effort was the wonderfully enjoyable Bully, it could be a good thing.

What can Rockstar Vancouver do though? From the look of him, Max has undergone a few changes. But after having his wife and child murdered by junkies via a corporate conspiracy and then being framed for murder and watching his second chance at love die in his arms, it's understandable he might be a bit run-down in appearance. That, and that fact that he's wasted hundreds upon hundreds of people might keep him up at night too.

Grumble, trees, grumble, guns, grumble, cargo pants, grumble.

Here's the most intriguing part. What kind of hell can Max go through from here? Apparently, he's developed an addiction to painkillers and looks as if he sleeps in dumpsters, but can he actually be punished any further? Wouldn't he have gone insane by now? Or is he just a sociopath who bottles his rage until the moments when he holds two guns? Is that the only way he can feel alive anymore? How much more can life kick him in the face before this guy finally goes down?

Regardless of any of these questions, it seems to be a moot point for anyone with the delay of so many big titles. Industry analyst Michael Pachter from investment firm Wedbush Morgan came out this week to state that game developers are pretty disorganised when it comes to release dates and you know what? He's fucking right.

Michael Pachter = genius.

So where does that leave Max? For his third outing, he may have to just have go all 'Passion of the Christ' on us and have the shit beaten out of him for the entire game. Just to show these doubting folks that he can take it and get back up again. Because I can tell you, Max will be around longer than that idiotic Bayonetta woman.

Grumble, hoods, grumble, graffiti, grumble, fucking Bayonetta, grumble.

Sometimes the internet really delivers.

2009-08-02T20:51:00.008+10:00

Reclaiming the world of Sega.

2009-08-02T17:00:00.013+10:00

As a young lad in the early-nineties, I was one of many kids who fell under the spell of a hedgehog named Sonic. At the time, the only way to partake in his speedy, attitude-laden adventures was to get yourself a Sega Megadrive (known as a Sega Genesis in North America). After Sonic's many outings became repetitive (and boy, did they), the system had an abundance of incredible titles left in it's library and I couldn't get enough.

Sega were obviously some cheeky bitches back in those days.

Foolishly, I gave away my Megadrive to a friend and never saw it again. I invested myself pretty heavily in PC gaming at that point and for some unknown reason, thought it was rational to offload one of the best video game systems of all time. What a moron.

Anyway, as Cypress Hill once said, what go around come around. I have recently come into possession of a second generation system called the Megadrive 2.

Here she is. I've got one of those sweet controllers too.

But there's been a stumbling block. In this modern time of HD-TVs and such, cables can be a problem. Instead of simply plugging it in and getting on with the job, things are a little more complicated. I completely forgot about the system's weird hook-up. It's not just a simple cable, it's got this fucking switchbox monstrosity thing in the middle of it.

Oooh, you bastard.

As I said, it's a switchbox, so there's switch on it. Also, there's an AV cable to go into the back of the TV. And I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT IN THE NAME OF CHRIST TO DO. I try and try and keep coming up something other than trumps. The Megadrive works (the second generation machines had a power indicator light on them) but I just can't get a signal through to the TV.

I have checked on the internet to some extent and it seems I'm not the only person in the world with this problem. Poor clueless pricks implore people to help them on technology/game forums all over the web but the general response to their pleas has been something along the lines of "Maybe u shuld get a old TV eh? LOL!!!!".

Your typical internet forum user.

So fuck you old technology - I refuse to be defeated by your mysterious ways. I will conquer you. Mark my words. And before you know it, I'll be using you to achieve great happiness in the form of...

This is Desert Strike. You play as a helicopter pilot who recovers fuel barrels and shoots the fuck out of people in the Gulf.

This is NBA Jam. You play basketball and dunk the fuck out of the net as the announcer shouts BOOMSHAKALAKA! to indicate how awesome you are.

This is Road Rash 2. You race motorbikes and punch the fuck out of other riders and even cops. Which is what I'll do to this Megadrive if I can't hook it up properly.

Here's your Mass Effect 2 box art.

2009-07-31T06:43:00.003+10:00

Bioware have revealed what you'll be looking for on store shelves come 2010. Mass Effect 2, their anticipated sequel to one of the best space opera/RPGs ever made, drops sometime between January and March next year. And here's the official box art.

As expected, Shepard looks like he's cracking skulls and taking names. And I suppose that's Wrex in the background.

But that girl on the left better not be Ashley. Because in my Mass Effect universe, that xenophobic skank is pushing up daisies.

2009 becomes slightly less awesome.

2009-07-29T19:51:00.004+10:00

Initially, the games release schedule for 2009 was rather lean. Around April or May though, rumblings started to become evident that things were about to change and game after game would drop on our unsuspecting wallets and Q4 of this year would blow our minds out our arses.

But that has unfortunately been scaled back a bit. A whole bunch of amazing-looking games have all been delayed until 2010: The Year We Make Contact. The list of games is as follows, along with my reaction to each delay.

Mafia 2 - meh

Bioshock 2 - meh

Max Payne 3 - Fuck!

Bayonetta - meh

Red Dead Redemption - Fuck!

Splinter Cell: Conviction - Fuck!

Red Steel 2 - meh

So as a result, the first quarter of 2010 is now shaping up to be MINDBLOWING. In addition to the above games, the below games are also coming out around that time...

Mass Effect 2

Alan Wake

Final Fantasy 13

Heavy Rain

But there's still a few nuggets of gold to be had in 2009 folks. Namely these...

Batman lands in August. Finally.

2009-07-14T17:45:00.007+10:00

AUGUST 28TH Y'ALL!

That's right, after months of speculation and delays it looks as if the end of August will be when Batman: Arkham Asylum finally ships in Australia. Publisher Eidos revealed that North America will get the game on August 25th and Europe on August 28th. Atari are distributing the game in our great brown land and confirmed that the European date will be the same as ours.

So rejoice! Celebrate! Get ready to punch the fuck out of dudes while vowing on the grave of your parents to rid the city of the evil that took their lives! Woooo!

In addition to a release date, there's been yet another trailer released (I think that makes about 10,483 so far) and it just keeps looking better.

There's also been some interesting new screenshots of a few foes.

Harley Quinn, seconds before getting the fuck punched out of her.

God knows what Joker is doing to this guard.

Here's the first shot I've seen of Mr Zsasz. Scars intact.

All of a sudden, July is Lucasarts month.

2009-07-07T22:57:00.005+10:00

Fancy spending some cash? Of course you do. And what better way to do that but on awesome old and new Lucasarts games which seem to all be dropping all within the next week. Dropping right into your hands like a big pile of...um...something...I don't know. Something good.

Firstly, you've got the brand new Monkey Island game from Telltale. The episodic extravaganza that is Tales of Monkey Island starts off with episode one entitled Launch of The Screaming Narwhal. And that's released on PC today July 7. So if you have any brains, you'll be playing it rather than reading this. But hold on, keep reading.

Next, being released tomorrow (July 8) is a fat stack of old Lucasarts titles on Steam. Apparently this will be a continuing thing for Lucasarts but to begin with, they're releasing on PC:

- LOOM

- Indiana Jones and The Fate Of Atlantis

- Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade: The Graphic Adventure

- The Dig

- Armed And Dangerous

- LEGO Indiana Jones: The Original Adventure

- Star Wars Battlefront II

- Star Wars Starfighter

- Star Wars Republic Commando

- Thrillville: Off The Rails

And last but not least, they've announced a release date for Secret Of Monkey Island: Special Edition for Xbox Live Arcade and PC. IT'S JULY 15TH WHICH IS NEXT WEDNESDAY OH MY GOD...

And remember, if you buy this newfangled HD version of the game, Lucasarts have publicly stated they would love to do more. Save your weekly wages, head down to Cash Converters, betray your blood relatives - just do ANYTHING do get some money because you need to be buying this good stuff. Go now! For the good of video games everywhere!

And go buy a pair of these while you're at it.

No, I still have no idea.

2009-07-03T18:54:00.008+10:00

It's July already and we still have no official release date for Batman: Arkham Asylum in Australia. Well, no reliable date anyway.

Eidos, developers of the game, have announced that the US release date will be August 25th and the European date is August 28th. But no definite word on when the game will reach our shores. To make matters worse, game stores in Australia are a dog's breakfast when it comes to consistent dates. Some say 3rd of September, others say the game is already out. Anger level, rising.

Anyway to tide us over yet again, there's another trailer out there. Talking to some of the developers and LEGENDARY WRITER PAUL DINI WHO IS WRITING THE DAMN GAME, the video sets out the game to be Batman's worst nightmare. Sounds good to me folks.

An Aliens RPG died this week.

2009-07-01T11:13:00.004+10:00

If you weren't already aware, there were a total of three video games based on the Alien/s films in development. But now there's only two.

This week, Obsidian Entertainment (makers of Neverwinter Nights and the upcoming awesome-looking Alpha Protocol) released an official statement ringing the deathknell for their Aliens role-playing game. And then publisher Sega (makers of uh, Sonic) echoed their sentiments. A few days later they released some concept art to show the world what exactly the game would have looked like. On the alien side of things anyway. I have to admit, as a huge fan of the Alien franchise, I can't really decide whether these are fascinating or dumb. Regardless, at least it ain't the newborn alien from Alien: Resurrection.

At least it's not the newborn from Alien: Resurrection. At least it's not the newborn from Alien: Resurrection. At least it's not the newborn from Alien: Resurrection.

As far as the other games are concerned, there's a new Alien Vs Predator game in the works. And of course, the long overdue Aliens: Colonial Marines is still occasionally popping up to say it still exists. No word yet on the state or release date of either of these games. But seeing as Colonial Marines is shaping up to be Rainbow Six Vegas but with Aliens - I AM SOLD.

The Road To Metal Gear - Part 2.

2009-06-29T18:14:00.015+10:00

The hallway outside the lift on Basement 1 is totally deserted so I just run for it. It's here that I start to notice all the doors are numbered. Some have 6 on them, others have 2. Mei Ling comes on the CODEC and tells me that Donald Anderson is on the radar as a green dot and he's nearby. There's nobody around so I decide to check more doors.

Also, she spouts a lot of philosophical quotes when I all I want to do is save my game. Confucious say - shut the fuck up!

The door I arrive at has a big number 1 written on it. As I approach, it beeps at me and remains closed. I guess I need a key of some sort. Eventually, the only exit to this area I can find is a ladder leading to an air vent.

Like this but with a ladder. And less stains.

As I'm crawling through this vent, I look down upon a guard sitting on a toilet in the next room. He chats calmly to himself about how he hates Alaska and how he might be getting a cold. He then mentions some woman who is 'built', as he puts it. He then gets up from the toilet AND HE STILL HAS HIS PANTS ON. Obviously, I'm dealing with a truly insane breed of soldier who is so much in their own mind that taking off their pants doesn't even occur to them when visiting the facilities. These guys must be batshit crazy. I gotta be careful.

The next grille I crawl over is a small room with a woman doing sit-ups in her bed. I decide she's not the DARPA Chief and move on. I find an opening further on and drop down. And there he was, sitting on a bunk.

All the main characters are introduced like this. Character name, then voice actor. Here's a fun fact: George Byrd went on to appear as 'Crewman #1' in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

Immediately, I start grilling him about the terrorists and their demands. He drops some information about how I shouldn't fuck around with them. Why? Because they have a METAL GEAR. A nuclear-equipped walking battle tank, capable of launching a nuclear anywhere on the face of the earth. And they call it REX, because it resembles a tyrannosaur I guess. Obviously, this be some bad shit son. But Donald's got my hook-up. He tells me that there's some card keys that can override the launch codes and I have to get my hands on them.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, he is struck dead from a heart attack. Which is a surprise. I contact Campbell on the CODEC and ask 'What the fuck, man?' but he just says "Hmm, that's a bit weird."

No, Weird Al is a bit weird. My controller vibrating, the room shaking and a dude screaming WHY!?!?? while being violently killed by a heart attack, that is SUSPICIOUS.

While I'm wondering what the hell I've gotten myself into, the door to Anderson's cell opens all by itself. Quietly, I creep out the door and suddenly spy a guard's body on the floor (the same guard who enjoyed fully-clothed toilet visits). His body is on the floor, nude.

Uh...yeah, don't ask.

There's a gun in my face. A guard is shaking, pointing a rifle at me. Naturally, because I'm awesome, I just pull out my pistol right back at them. In a few words, I discover the guard is in fact the woman from the next cell, now clad in the toilet guard's uniform. She mentions the name of Liquid, the leader of the terrorists and she's wondering if I am him. But her queries will have to wait because out of the blue - a bunch of guards burst through the door, ready to shoot the fuck out of us.

That's her in the green outfit, doing nothing. That's me in the blue, saving the GODDAMN WORLD.

I save her life in a flurry of expertly placed bullets but rather than thanking me, she runs. Running towards the elevator I first arrived in, I yell at her to stop but she's gone. Now here's when things get strange. Out of thin air, one of the terrorists appears, floating in mid-air. He whispers, "Good girl, just like that...".

Oooooh-kay.

Campbell gets on the CODEC and tells me that was Psycho Mantis, the terrorists resident psychic. What? He can just appear and disappear at will? WELL, THAT'S JUST FUCKING GREAT. Campbell tells me to calm down and go find Kenneth Baker, the Armstech President. He's the second prisoner. Okey-dokey, off I go...

A perfect storm of point-and-click.

2009-06-25T20:04:00.017+10:00

Life is pretty funny. Just when you start thinking about something, sometimes that thing becomes...a thing...I don't know, something.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is there's been a sudden resurgence in classic adventure games recently. In more ways than one. For those of you who don't remember, the games I'm talking about are of the point-and-click variety. Great writing, engaging characters and long-lasting nostalgia make these games absolute classics. They were big years ago, back in the eighties and nineties. And then they died off for seemingly no apparent reason.

Just in the last couple of months, it seems they may be making a comeback. There's a select few that are beginning to return to the forefront of the video games for an all-new group of people to discover. And here are the reasons they're coming back...

1) The Secret Of Monkey Island

Coming to Xbox Live Arcade and PC, this classic point-and-click features the adventure of one Guybrush Threepwood, a young boy with dreams of being a pirate.

It won an ass-load of awards when it was released in 1990 and people talk about it nowadays in hushed tones that's usually only reserved for John F Kennedy and the spaghetti pizza. Well, it's coming back - in a High Definition version.

With an all new widescreen paintbrush art-style, this Monkey Island remake looks to be amazing and it will retain the original script, style and even some of the voice actors from the original.

Pictured: The most awesome thing you saw today.

On top of all that, Lucasarts (the developer) have flat-out stated that if this sells well, they will make more. SO ANYONE OUT THERE WHO EVEN REMOTELY LIKES VIDEO GAMES, BUY THIS GAME.

Release date: Hmm, no official date has been announced as yet. But it looks to be in the next month or two.

2) Tales of Monkey Island

In addition to a remake of the original, little Californian development house Telltale are making a whole new Monkey Island game. Tales of Monkey Island will be a 5 episode game released on PC and Wiiware (with a rumored Xbox Live Arcade version to follow).

Telltale already have form in this regard. A couple of years ago they did an all-new Sam & Max game in the same episodic form. Two whole seasons of it, in fact. So they know what they are doing. If you don't know who Sam & Max are, look here:

That's Max on the left. He's some kind of hyperkinetic rabbity-thing. Both him and Sam are freelance police. Oh yeah.

Sorry, got a little off topic here. Here's some shots of the new Monkey Island game...

Release date: July 7 for PC. It will then come later for download on the Wii.

(Hey Yuri, look here!)

3) A book clearance centre broke my fucking mind.

Here's what I mean when I said life is funny. I was all jazzed up by the possibility of playing Monkey Island and possibly other games of that types all over again right? Walking along minding my own business, when I was suddenly drawn into one of those book clearance centres like a moth to a flame...

Y'know, one of these places. But with dollars. Thanks for nothing Google Image Search.

A saw a sign that something about video games, so I went in and came out with Sam & Max Hit The Road and Full Throttle. Two of best of these games. One cost $15, the other $10.

Pardon me, I have to leave you now, dear reader. Two slices of awesome await.

P.S. Buy Monkey Island.

I am officially excited for The Beatles:Rock Band.

2009-06-17T13:28:00.005+10:00

The 9th of September 09 sees the worldwide release (yes, Australia confirmed) of The Beatles: Rock Band and it seems the buzz around this game is growing to unmanageable levels. With a partial track list (10 of 45) revealed at E3 and All You Need Is Love and the Abbey Road LP confirmed for downloadable content at a later date, developer Harmonix have somehow created a perfect storm of game, band, interest. Add into that this amazing intro movie for the game...

For me, who has never owned a guitar/band game, I will be buying this thing the second it comes out. And I'm not even the world's biggest Beatles fan. Congratulations Harmonix.

That said, there is the small matter of pricing. Here's the US price listing:

The Beatles: Rock Band Software - Xbox 360, PLAYSTATION 3, Wii: USD$59.99

The Beatles: Rock Band Standalone Guitars - Xbox 360, PLAYSTATION 3, Wii: USD$99.99

The Beatles: Rock Band Limited Edition Premium Bundle: Xbox 360, PLAYSTATION 3, Wii: USD$249.99

But a price point for Australia has yet to be announced. This is the only thing that concerns me. Cause I'm gonna get me some Limited Edition bundle up in here. Coo coo ca choo!

The Road To Metal Gear - Part 1.

2009-06-13T22:26:00.024+10:00

Later this year, Sony will deliver a price cut on the PS3.

C'mon, it has to happen right? They've got to do it before the end of 2009 don't they? I know they still didn't announce any price reduction or the existence of a slim PS3 at this year's E3 but for the love of God, it has to be for the upcoming Christmas season. They can't just keep saying "The PS3 is awesome as it is. Poor people can go fuck themselves." and expect everyone to just swallow it, right? RIGHT?

Pictured: Sony Computer Entertainment.

Anyway, why do I have this misguided hope in the first place? Well, specifically - Metal Gear. Last year, the fourth (main) installment of Hideo Kojima's balls-out insane action-adventure-espionage series was dropped to rave reviews and I still haven't played it. But with Sony's help (wink, wink, nudge, nudge), I'll rectify this glaring oversight by year's end when they REDUCE THE FUCKING PRICE OF THE PS3.

Ahem. So, in preparation for this inevitable eventuality, I plan to reacquaint myself with the Metal Gear series before devouring Metal Gear Solid 4 whole. And you, the internet, will have the sparkling honour of taking this journey with me. That's right - I'll be detailing my experience from start to finish, step-by-step, right here on Preparations For Birth. Basically what the internet was invented for.

Although, to start right from the beginning, I would have to track down the original two games on the MSX home computer. But since these two titles, Metal Gear and Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake, would take months to track down (or five minutes on a MSX emulator) - I won't bother. You can catch up on what happens in those games in about ten seconds anyway. Thusly:

- A terrorist named Big Boss who hates the government creates his own nation called Outer Heaven.

- Dude named Solid Snake is sent to kill Big Boss.

- Dude named Solid Snake kills terrorist Big Boss.

- Along the way, there's a good/evil guy named Gray Fox and a walking battle tank called Metal Gear.

- And the games looked like this:

All bad guys wore red berets back in the MSX days.

Here's the box art for the first game. Yes, that's Kyle Reese. Don't ask.

So let's get this party started proper...

METAL GEAR SOLID (PLAYSTATION ONE) - 1998

Metal Gear Solid is one of the few PS1 action-adventure games to hold up quite well to scrutiny in 2009. Sure, the textures look terrible and the people can't actually open their mouths when they talk (a strange head-nodding animation is used instead) but it's the insane story and characters that make this game's impact last.

Brought out of retirement one last time, uber-soldier Solid Snake is forced to leave his quiet life of dog-racing and getting drunk behind when the current commander of his former military unit - FOXHOUND, convinces him to undertake a mission. Roy Campbell runs shit in FOXHOUND now but every member of the unit has gone loco insane and turned a disused weapons storage facility in Alaska into a fortress. They demand they if the remains of Big Boss, their former leader, are not given to them - then they'll fire off some nuclear warheads and RAIN DOWN SOME GLOBAL DESTRUCTION WITH THEM SHITS. They're led by this dude here:

His name is Liquid Snake. That's probably one of the least ridiculous names in this game.

After all that complicated back-story, its time to start sneaking around.

I infiltrate the facility via the water. Swimming up into a cargo warehouse, I do my best to avoid the three guards and reach the elevator at the rear of the room. While it's rising to the surface, I dump my unnecessary gear and bust out a pose that would make any terrorist wet themselves and cry.

And the game's title appears above my head when I do it. Go on, just give up now you terrorist fucks.

It's snowing like a motherfucker when I end up on the surface and what appears to be a Russian Hind D helicopter gunship takes off over my head. There's a few more guards at the front of the facility so I'm careful to creep around behind some boxes and conceal my awesome existence.

That's me crouching on the right. That's a stupid guard on the left in his stupid white uniform. I hate that stupid guard.

I see in the distance a ventilation shaft which would be perfect to gain entry to the first building so I head to the staircase and - shit. Didn't see the surveillance camera. But it saw me alright. An alarm goes off loud enough to wake the most lethargic of guards and soon enough, I'm fighting one of them off with my bare hands. But since I'm a trained badass, I make short work of him and he's out cold in a second. I'm quick to escape up the stairs and dive into the vent. Once inside, I make my way downstairs to see a large room occupied by two parked tanks.

During all this malarkey, I've been in constant contact with Roy Campbell with my CODEC radio system implanted in my ear. He's telling me that the first thing I have to do is locate a guy named Donald Anderson, the chief of DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency) who is being held prisoner somewhere in the facility. Apparently he will have some insight as to how to stop the terrorists' nuclear death-party. Also talking to me on the CODEC is Dr Naomi Hunter (medical), Mei Ling (the chick who I use to save my game) and some dude named Master Miller (a former mentor who knows about 'flora and fauna'). I plan to talk to these people as little as possible.

Climbing out from underneath a tank, (I hid under there to keep out of sight) I quickly take an elevator down to the Basement 1 level, the location where Campbell thinks Anderson is being held. Let's see if the old man is right...

That's the elevator in the back of the room. Behind another stupid guard. The kind I hate.

DISCLAIMER: I'll try my best to stick with this as far as I can. I figure by the time I've run through Metal Gear Solid 1, 2 and 3 - it will be time to pick up a cheap PS3 along with a copy of Metal Gear Solid 4. If not, I'll probably put a gun in my mouth.

TO BE CONTINUED

Lessons to be learned from E3 2009.

2009-06-10T18:17:00.001+10:00

More of the same can apparently be good thing or a bad thing.

Earlier this year, the teaser trailer for Bioshock 2 was released. Featuring a mysterious girl on the edge of an ocean, objects rose from the sand to envelope her surroundings.

A few things were out of the ordinary. Firstly, we were on dry land. Was this going to be the setting for the sequel? Secondly, who was the girl? Was she a Little Sister grown into her early teens? And what were the objects rising from the beach? A small city? A collection of weapons?

Well, E3 revealed all aaaaaand...we're going back to Rapture. The first gameplay footage looked suspiciously similar to the first time we visited Andrew Ryan's fallen metropolis. Now, considering Bioshock was an incredible experience from start to finish, why would we desire anything but an additional adventure in the same vein? It seems some are not pleased with a return to underwater city.

That said, ponder another sequel - Modern Warfare 2. In Microsoft's press briefing, the first gameplay footage was revealed and showed the world how developer Infinity Ward would deliver the second punch in their presumably bottomless arsenal. And it was pretty much like the first game. Regardless of snowmobiles, ice picks and Soap's icy beard - the core gameplay hadn't changed too drastically. And guess what? Thank Christ that's the case. The industry and fans around the world reacted to the new footage with unbridled enthusiasm and we all cannot wait until November to get our hands on the game and start capping ultra-nationalists all over again.

You have to wonder where the difference lies. While people are ready to upgrade their PCs to the tune of hundreds of dollars for Modern Warfare 2, most of us are a touch ambivalent about returning the world of Bioshock. But neither have changed all that much. So why the different opinions? If they are both doing simply 'more of the same', why is one more revered than the other when the first entries of each franchise were equally acclaimed?

Secrets no longer exist.

Jack Tretton, the CEO of Sony Computer Entertainment America, cracked a joke or two at his company's press briefing on Tuesday. He joked that he was surprised any journalists actually turned up to the conference considering the amount of details that had already leaked on the internet. He was right, and he wasn't the only one. Everyone in the industry were already well-informed about the PSP Go, the PS3 motion controller, Wii Fit Plus, Wii Sports Resort, Halo:Reach and the Xbox 360 motion controller. While there were a few shocks (Left 4 Dead 2!), it's interesting to try and imagine being ignorant to the introduction to these things without pre-E3 knowledge.

The PSP Go, for example. When it finally appeared on stage, the reaction was simply "Okay, so it's official. Let's get to the next thing". Preferably, it should have been more along the lines of "Holy Jesus! A PSP with slide controls and no UMD? Sign me up!". But is it even possible to think like this in hindsight? For those of us who saw the leaks, we'll never know.

Who's to blame? Well, first you have to consider whether blame is warranted. Some of us may want to know these things before the day. Journalists hungry for an exclusive, consumers hungry for excitement. If you are looking to place blame, it must lay on the doorstep of modern technology. With such things as text messaging and Twitter, secrets are now impossible to keep concealed completely. But with upcoming video games, do we want them totally under wraps anyway?

Relief comes not from expectation, but faith.

One title that definitely had people leaning forward to hear more about was Remedy Entertainment's Alan Wake. It was first announced at E3 2005 and it wasn't until E3 2009 that we finally saw the game in action. The story of a horror writer searching for his wife had slowly but surely captured the attention of the industry over its lengthy development cycle for two simple reasons. It looked really interesting and it was taking too long. A lesser title would be quickly ignored and/or punished for such a long time between drinks; an attitude created by the ridiculousness of Duke Nukem Forever's situation.

But it was the story and the concept that kept people coming back to a guy named Alan. And when the game was finally revealed at E3, the whole industry breathed a sigh of relief. The game was on track and looking good. That's a load off our minds, huh?

Is it, though? Why? This isn't a sequel. It's an original intellectual property and even though Remedy made the highly entertaining Max Payne games, Alan Wake has absolutely no track record. All these facts don't matter. Because everybody wants this game to succeed. And that is just strange. Cynicism is rife throughout any media industry and video games are no different. So why is everybody willing to give this game the benefit of the doubt after almost half a decade in development? The game does indeed look amazing and thrilling, so...is it as simple as that? Perceived quality that conquers all doubt?

Finally, how goddamn awesome are video games anyway?

It was painfully obvious Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney were uncomfortable talking about a product in which they had little to no experience. Ringo mentioned the 'very good graphics' and Paul described the in-game versions of themselves as 'androids'. But no matter. Anyone who saw that slightly awkward bumbling from the two surviving Fab Four were more concerned about The Beatles: Rock Band and how entertaining it looked to play.

When I was a little lad, two friends and I proposed quite a hare-brained scheme. The three of us were going to pool our money together and buy ourselves a Sega Megadrive. We had seen Streets Of Rage 2 in action and we knew immediately that it was totally necessary to throw caution to the wind, give a two-finger salute to our financial troubles and start headbutting our way to glory. Thankfully, the plan never came to fruition. Which was probably a good thing.

But the same enthusiasm remains today. Nothing creates the same excitement than a brand new video game on launch day. And E3 this year crystallized this attitude to a fine point. The revenge violence and dynamic gameplay of Splinter Cell: Conviction pleasantly surprised me. Modern Warfare 2's action set-pieces had me on the edge of my seat. Nathan Drake's use of the phrase "Holeeee shit" in Uncharted 2: Among Thieves made me laugh. New Super Mario Bros for the Wii had me recalling the fondness for every game in the series and excited for this one.

What other media has grown and developed this much in our lifetimes? Music? Movies? I don't think so. Video games are special. And they're special because we feel that they are ours. The majority of the population of the planet are just like Ringo and Paul. They are aware of the existence of the concept of video games but only we know just how special they can be. And that's what the best of E3 can produce. Feeling good about ourselves via the awesome medium of video games. And really, what more do you want?

OH SNAP! The most incredible things to come out of E3.

2009-06-06T21:09:00.004+10:00

Ladies and gents, the Electronic Entertainment Expo (E3) is over! And whoa mama, some shit went down! Let's get to it!

OH SNAP! Commander Shepard is one pissed-off motherfucker.

Did you see that? Shepard ain't messing around. Bigger guns, smoother gameplay and a darker mission structure are all shaping up to create a better sequel to Bioware's 2007 masterpiece. Add in new enemies, an assassin named Thane and two new companions by the name of Jacob and Miranda.

Release date: Between January and March 2010.

OH SNAP! Alan Wake actually exists.

Well it's a game alright. The tale of a horror writer searching for his wife in a mountain town looks great and has been given a release date. It's only been in development for five years so, hopefully it will be...oh, I don't know...THE GREATEST THING IN HUMAN EXISTENCE.

Release date: Spring (US) 2010.

OH SNAP! Splinter Cell looks actually interesting again.

The last Splinter Cell game, Double Agent, was slightly disappointing and since then, I had lost faith in the Splinter Cell series. But Splinter Cell Conviction looks really intriguing. Sam Fisher is on a revenge mission and he is A) good at kneeing dudes in the face and B) still voiced by Michael Ironside. Oh yes. The video below is the CG trailer followed by E3 gameplay.

Release date: October 2009

OH SNAP! Modern Warfare 2 looks on track to be expectedly awesome.

Fighting terrorists in snow. And the terrorists have snowmobiles. Check this out.

Release Date: November 2009

OH SNAP! Project Natal is possibly the future.

Well, Microsoft surprised everyone by busting out their motion controller but even more so, the future applications for it. Watch the video and decide for yourself.

Release Date: 2010 maybe.

Oh by the way, Batman Arkham Asylum is out on 25th August. For realz this time. OH SNAP!

Hey clown-face dude. Just wait there for a month or two and I'll be back to punch the fuck out of you.

6 things that need to happen at E3.

2009-05-27T19:26:00.014+10:00

Separate to spewing forth the OH SNAP! moments coming out of this year's Entertainment Expo, I also have selfish desires for certain things to be announced at E3. Some are plausible, others not so much. Either way, video games will be a better thing overall if these announcements come out in the next week or so.

1. Sony NEEDS to do...something.

Do you remember back to just before the launch of the Playstation 3? Ken Kutaragi, the then CEO of Sony Computer Entertainment said his goal for the console was for "consumers to think to themselves 'I will work more hours to buy one'. We want people to feel that they want it, irrespective of anything else". In today's economic climate, that statement retrospectively places Kutaragi one notch below Hitler on the scale of evil bastards.

Practically a genocidal maniac.

Well, guess what? In the general consensus, Sony is still kind of viewed that way by continually refusing to officially cut the price of the Ps3. Seriously, what the hell are you doing Sony? If you don't announce a significant price cut or the much-rumoured Ps3 Slim at this year's E3, it would finally reveal Satan to be the silent partner of your company. And you wouldn't want that out of the bag would you?

2. Alan Wake NEEDS a concrete release date.

Around the time of the Game Developer's Conference in March of this year, Remedy Entertainment hinted at a big Alan Wake announcement to be presented at E3. If this doesn't happen, you may as well kiss this potentially incredible game goodbye. The psychological thriller was first announced in TWO THOUSAND AND FIVE for Christ's sake. Can you even remember back that far?

I'm pretty sure the game was announced on this day.

Remedy Entertainment better come up with the goods in June. Otherwise, Alan Wake will fall into the sad development hell only occupied by Duke Nukem Forever. And people will cease to care for the rest of time.

3. Hideo Kojima's announcement NEEDS to break people's minds.

Kojima currently has a teaser website up and running and features a countdown clock that everybody seems to be talking about. http://www.konami.jp/kojima_pro/next/index.html

Even though I believe a upgraded version of Metal Gear Solid 4 or a brand new Metal Gear Solid 5 would be awesome, Hideo Kojima needs to bring something more unpredictable to the table. The mind behind the Metal Gear series is obviously a brilliant genius but in order for him to stay relevant and remain an exciting spearhead for innovation in the video game industry, he needs to yet again think outside the box.

Kojima's next: Nick Nolte - The Game.

You have to remember, this is the guy who wanted to design a game where if the player died, the only way to continue was to buy another copy of the game. This announcement needs to be that insane. The industry is long overdue for an injection of Kojima insanity in that style. Either that, or the big number '5' on his teaser site indicates that there are five more Metal Gear games currently in development.

4. Activision and Harmonix NEED to announce a psychiatric care program for their customers.

Hey, did you know that Guitar Hero: Aerosmith generated more money for the band Aerosmith than any studio album ever released by the band Aerosmith? Even despite awful reviews for the game? That's a pretty good indication that the makers of both Guitar Hero and Rock Band aren't going to stop annually releasing versions of their biggest cash cows anytime soon.

"I enjoyed taking your money, population of the Earth."

But in light of the fact that they are both unleashing proper looks at Guitar Hero 5 and The Beatles: Rock Band at E3, both developers need to realise that some time in the next eighteen months, people will snap and suffer from nervous breakdowns when they suddenly discover they have 4-6 plastic drum kits in their house. If Activision and Harmonix don't want to be portrayed as the heartless bastards, they need to be ready and waiting to care for the kids around the world that start involuntarily screaming while playing some 30 Seconds To Mars song.

5. Microsoft NEED to do something substantial with the 360 avatars or kill them off.

Look, I love my avatar. He wears a breezy tropical shirt and waves at me when I click the analogue stick. But to be honest, I wouldn't lose any sleep if Microsoft suddenly put a bullet in his head. And unless they use the avatars for something more than Kingdom For Keflings and Uno Rush, then that is exactly what needs to happen. Simply standing on the main 360 menu, blankly staring into space, is not a viable enough use of this technology. Do something with them now, Microsoft. How about bonus achievement-related clothing? More interesting avatar games? The ability to see your avatar pop on screen and say TOASTY! when you do an awesome uppercut in Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3? Anything that doesn't involve spewing out more terrible, terrible avatar shoes.

6. Nintendo NEED to announce Wii Fit 2.

Because hey hardcore gamers, that would be pretty funny huh?